To not know whats better for the kids - divorce & happy or together and tension

[Rockabybabyboat]

I think im going to leave my husband.

We have a 4.5 year old and a 12 month old but we just dont work together anymore. My husband doesnt listen to me, doesnt make any effort with his family or our small family and mainly only thinks of himself.

He doesnt see any issues in our relationship except for my anger - he doesnt see past why im angry - because he doesnt listen, or remember anything, doesnt realise how sick I am about having to nag at him for literally everything to be done, complains I plan trips with my friends and kids but he literally never wants to go out. The fact he only sees my anger as an issue - not any of the catalysts drives me insane, and means I blow at literally the smallest things now to apoplectic rage. Ive told him the issues, and nothing ever changes, but he wonders why im so so furious with him.

However im now thinking whats better - should I hold my tongue so my kids have their dad around, but theyll grow up seeing a dad disrespect their mom and all of her hopes for her kids ways of being raised. Or will they be ok with separated parents?

I feel so guilty taking them away from their dad - but im so unhappy.

I told him I want a divorce tonight, like I do most times when we have our same fight. But tonight I mean it, im starting to look at alternative accommodation but getting cold feet cause of the kids.

Is it better to hold it together for the kids sake, or just to accept its done and let them live separated?

(Im not trying to offend those who are separated, im just worried about such a vast change)

He isnt willing to go, according to him I need to go to therapy alone to solve my anger issues, then our marriage will be fantastic.

He said hed change last time, it lasted 2 days before it reverted back to the norm.

Kids that age ask for unicorns and a magic wand though. Most children of unhappy parents who stayed together say it affected them negatively. And as adults I don’t really know of any adult children of divorce who genuinely want their parents to be together again. You grow up and realise the truth. Anger and arguments are never good. I don’t see why parents living apart is a negative thing - it only is because as a society we have decided it is that way. The vast majority of animal species don’t partner for life with the other parent.

A lot of children will say they wish their DP had stayed together
I definitely don’t think couples should stay together for the sake of the DC but I do think they should try to work on issues if at all possible

I had a friend in a similar situation but he suggested counselling, she went as a last ditch attempt so she could say she'd tried everything. a
they split up because it was too little too late and she just couldn't stand him anymore Nd the recent was just eating away at her
My dad was like your DH but in the end was abusive and violent to my mum so it was an absolute relief when they split up
you are justifiably so angry with him that surely is not going to be good for your kids to grow up with

Divorce is better.
Kids will be looking at your relationship and they will believe that yours is how relationships are meant to be. You don't want them to learn this, plus the constant tension which they will pick up on even if they don't understand it. It will make them anxious.

Good God just leave. I split when mine were 11 and 12 but we hadn't been in love for many years before that we just couldn't admit it. As soon as I started to feel the resentment I was done. That was 10 years ago. It has affected their relationship with their Father massively I am not going to lie, the moment he met another woman the kids came a cold distant second. At the end of the day though that is on him not me, he had a choice to be a good Father and he chose not to be. I have a wonderfully close relationship with my DC and being single was far far easier. I never had a single second of regret, the peace of being single is wonderful.

Well as she says, she’s tried. Repeatedly. He doesn’t listen. You can’t make people like that change - it will only “work” if the OP shuts up and puts up with this bullshit and martyrs herself and sacrifices her own happiness for this man. Which to be fair, lots of women do. I think they are usually the ones who go on about how you have to try to make it work.

People on here don’t like it if you actually do it, but I’ve certainly thought about writing a thread from my husband’s POV.

Given that you have to co parent, the tension is a problem whatever happens. Ask him to set up couples therapy. Or if that’s not an option, I’ve recommended the book Rapport a lot on here.

My dp has the best divorce possible. He knows he did everything he could to save his marriage, and he and his ex wife are friends without tension. We all went on holiday together with his kids too. A year at Relate was part of what made that possible.

You sound like my mum. I wish they had split.

They stayed together (and remain together now) but resent each other for it. I also think she grew to resent us for it in a way

Shes been a whirling pool of negativity, of jabs and anger. She mostly tried to argue behind close doors but her irritation was palpable and I used to be scared of leaving the room, leaving gatherings or of car rides homes from relatives etc because the second she wasn't putting on a show the mask of happy family fell. I know why she is like that but it's incredibly hard to grow up in a house where theres an explosive parent who's got no respect for the other. Every argument, missed plate from the washing up, day to day bicker is a potential powder keg of shouting.

I completely disagree that only being a child of divorce means that you worry all arguments lead to divorce. Look at this situation where someone is threatening divorce in the middle of an argument repeatedly by her own admission. I grew up watching simple mistakes trigger almighty problems, and thinking it was normal. I had no idea how to argue in a way where you come out still friends

If they'd have divorced each other than they might have had a chance of happiness but it feels like they trapped us all in a loveless situation for appearances

My relationship with my mum is forever damaged. I know why she was like it, but sadly the mum of my childhood felt hair triggered, who was full of barbs. I'm sure the situation made her like that, but equally she should have taken responsibility when she realised her level of anger and left. Yes absolutely he should have done therapy, etc and should have left her also but they are both equally to blame for being too apathetic to leave.

We have a relationship now as an adult but she still can't resist complaining about my dad.

If a man had posted that he was getting so angry, threatening divorce repeatedly the opinions would be different

What this man is doing is abusive. He is exploiting your time and energy for his own selfish gain because he can and what’s worse is you aren’t allowed to be angry about it. Women aren’t allowed to be angry about being exploited in a patriarchy. Get angry OP and take action. LTB.

Definitely split up.

Living with tension and anger between parents is awful for kids.

A divorce managed well can be by far the best thing.

My parents were definitely amongst those who should have split up. The rows like clockwork on a Sunday and angry bickering at other times (they still do this) were awful.

My DD was 10 when I finally left her dad, it had never really worked, but like you I worried that she would be disadvantaged by separation.

She was relieved as she knew our relationship was shit. She picked up on all the tension, arguments that we thought we hid from her. I wish I had left sooner as I now know how that affected her. All it did was prolong the inevitable. Plus, you are living your life for the first time too and deserve peace.