To not know whats better for the kids - divorce & happy or together and tension

[Rockabybabyboat]

I think im going to leave my husband.

We have a 4.5 year old and a 12 month old but we just dont work together anymore. My husband doesnt listen to me, doesnt make any effort with his family or our small family and mainly only thinks of himself.

He doesnt see any issues in our relationship except for my anger - he doesnt see past why im angry - because he doesnt listen, or remember anything, doesnt realise how sick I am about having to nag at him for literally everything to be done, complains I plan trips with my friends and kids but he literally never wants to go out. The fact he only sees my anger as an issue - not any of the catalysts drives me insane, and means I blow at literally the smallest things now to apoplectic rage. Ive told him the issues, and nothing ever changes, but he wonders why im so so furious with him.

However im now thinking whats better - should I hold my tongue so my kids have their dad around, but theyll grow up seeing a dad disrespect their mom and all of her hopes for her kids ways of being raised. Or will they be ok with separated parents?

I feel so guilty taking them away from their dad - but im so unhappy.

I told him I want a divorce tonight, like I do most times when we have our same fight. But tonight I mean it, im starting to look at alternative accommodation but getting cold feet cause of the kids.

Is it better to hold it together for the kids sake, or just to accept its done and let them live separated?

(Im not trying to offend those who are separated, im just worried about such a vast change)

I always say that I dont believe in staying for the kids but I do believe in working on it for the kids. If you have done all you can to repair and fix your relationship but nothing has changed then you are best apart so that the children can see their parents happy, but if there is the possibility of finding a way back to being happy together with some work and effort then I think when you have kids then it's worth doing.

A lifetime of such tension isn't good for the kids.

As a child of divorce I’m sad my mother didn’t do it earlier. I was 12 when they separated but she had been thinking about it for years. I wish she had done it earlier. They are both re-married to my amazing step-parents who make them so much happier than they ever could have made each other. It won’t be easy to start but will be so much better in the long run.

He may see it as an empty threat if you’ve said it several times.

Personally I think many problems can be overcome if both parties are willing to work on it. Could you go to Relate or similar?

I’m sorry to say that I do know of children who would rather their parents were together even if there were problems. A little boy who when asked what he wanted for his birthday, replied “Mummy and daddy to live together again.”

I do sympathise OP but it’s worth trying to communicate I think.

A school friend had parents who stayed together until she was at university. Even as a 12 year old the tension in the house was palpable. A university friend's parents split up in her first year which came as a complete shock. She felt as if a big chunk of her home life had been a lie.

My parents separated when I was three. I am so glad they did.

Leaving is the right thing to do but I know it's not easy. I'm in a similar situation and I'm getting ready to leave. I'd be gone already but we live abroad and I'm pretty isolated so it takes a lot of planning.

I grew up with parents who fought all the time and my mum stayed "for me". It did me no favours at all, so I won't be doing that to my DD. As much as I feel guilty about leaving and worried about finances. I don't want her seeing me lose my temper all the time and thinking I'm awful for it (I am, but I was nothing like this before, and I'll be fine once I'm away from him.) Your H sounds much the same.

As someone who grew up in a house full of tension and two unhappy parents - it can screw you up so badly you need a lot of therapy otherwise you end up replicating your parents relationship. Which screws you up even more.

Ask yourself this - do you want your own children (as adults) force themselves to stay with a partner they no longer want to be with, frustrated, angry and resentful, or would you want them to leave and have a happy life? Of course you would rather they leave and be happy, so do that.

This too. I have friends who were really fucked up when their parents separated when they went to uni as they realised it had all been bollocks for years.

Divorce and happy. Especially as your kids are young enough for a lot of the actual split to go over their heads. I so wished my parents would split up.

Divorced and happy. They are so young it will just be normal for them, it won’t be a big traumatic change in their life. Much better for them not to be around parents who hate each other.

Look, second guessing yourself and feeling guilty is par for the course as a parent.

The reality is, whatever you choose you'll probably look back and wonder if it was the right choice. You might have mouthy teens/young adults, with little memory or insight into what really happened, throwing their 2 cents in as well. Been there, done that.

All you can do is weigh up the pros and cons to make the best decision you can with what you have, then try to find peace in that decision and look forwards, not back.

For me (I left) the decision became easy when the disrespect/neglect increased until it was clearly abuse. It was a slow creep along the spectrum and I regret not spotting it early enough, I also regret taking too long and letting things get too bad before I called it a day. How do you see things evolving in your situation? Are you going to keep moving your red line backwards and if so, how far?

My mother stayed with my father till my sister graduated highschool. She was 16. It was hell for us 3 girls. They fought all the time and never got along. Please don't stay for the kids. Have a better life

Agree with PP about seeing if there is any way to break through the communication barriers and gaps in understanding that have grown between you. You loved him once, and he loved you. Can you get back there? Try couples counselling?

If not though, will your ability to have an amicable relationship be better living apart, or together? Whichever path has the least animosity - go for that, for the childrens’ sake.

Having separated parents doesn't in itself lead to negative outcomes for children. Its how that is managed. If the separation is managed with the children's best interests in mind and the parents communicate well, share financial and practical responsibilities appropriately and demonstrate respect and kindness for each other, this shows the children that they can resolve issues well and allows you all to move forward as a changed family unit with new routines and structures.

If you leave it for the resentment to fester or communication breaks down entirely you have the makings of childhood trauma.

I've been separated from my kids dad since my youngest was 1, he's now 10. They have a great life. The image of a troubled child from a "broken home" is not everyone's reality.

It doesn’t sound like it can be fixed as it takes 2 to fix a relationship. Men are also highly unlikely to make lasting changes. I’d get out now while they are so young. Otherwise they may grow up blaming you for being so angry.

I'm a child of divorce, they separated when I was 6. What screwed me up wasn't the divorce but my father moving hundreds of miles away and not keeping in touch. It's a horrible feeling, knowing your parent has chosen to walk away from you. But I don't think divorce in and of itself is quite so harmful as people assume, as long as everyone does their best for the children involved.

You need to own your own apoplectic rage. That is not anyone else’s responsibility except your own, no matter how annoying other people are.

To answer your question, it depends how bad it is. Divorced is better than children living with angry shouting matches, but too many people convince themselves that better for the parent means better for the children when it often doesn’t. Moving between two homes and having step parents can be very damaging to children and their relationships with their parents.

This is all about you OP.

YOU'RE not happy.
YOU'RE tired of nagging him.
YOU'RE feeling ignored.
YOU'RE angry.

Have you tried thinking about anyone other than you?

This all seems very one sided.

Have you tried counselling? The bit about how he only sees your anger and doesn't seem to be aware of the reasons behind it - a good counsellor could help with that.

My parents hated each other but stayed together and so I am very against that. I split with father of my DC 15yrs ago when DC were 5 and 2 and they have a close loving relationship with their dad. It was definitely the right decision.

When you feel you've done everything you possibly can, then tried to do it again and again, and when it's starting to damage your self-belief and self-esteem, when you can't be the strong person you know you are, then it's time to leave. ✊

Honestly, as the daughter of parents who shouldn’t have been together - the best thing you can do for them is leave. If it’s as tense for them as you say, you aren’t doing anything for them by staying together (if you’ve both done all you can to work through it). I’ve got a great relationship with both my parents and they split when I was 4.

Stop threatening divorce, either way. Either split up or don’t and commit to some basic kindness. No relationship can possibly function at all under constant angry threat. And you have a relationship for the rest of your lives because you have kids together. Even if you’re apart, you’re going to have to figure out a way to operate as co-parents.

Also, of course it won’t be ‘divorce and happy’. Life goes on being difficult and complex and you take yourself wherever you go.

Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t split up; maybe it’s the best option. But don’t expect that it will be all the infuriating things that stop and all the good things that carry on.

As a former teacher I agree with this. A lot of kids used to confide in me and many of them did prefer their parents together even if arguing. Interestingly a lot hated arguing mainly because they thought it was the first step to divorce. And in many cases their fears were confirmed.

It just changed their life so much and I guess change can be hard as a kid.

And what I found almost across the board is the vast majority of them did not like having stepparents. Even the ones that were decent.

I had a friend when I was younger who had what I felt was the perfect stepdad. He was kinder, and more patient than most biological dads! I was shocked when one day my friend told me that she resents him.

She was an only child so it was just her and her mum from age two when her dad left until 9 when she met him. Then as she sees it - all of a sudden this man was always around.

Her mum actually didn’t let him move in until she was 18 tbf - but he was still over most evenings and went on day trips with them etc.

I couldn’t get my head round it as he was such a great bloke but I suppose he was still an unrelated male taking up her mums time. I mean she was never rude to him and I don’t think she told her mum how she felt to spare her feelings. It’s such a tricky situation.

But of course splitting up doesn’t necessarily mean stepparents.

Yeah it is one sided, my husband would be more than happy for our marriage to stay exactly as it is with the exception of my anger.

He sees nothing wrong with me doing all the cleaning, cooking, child raising, reminding him its his moms bday, organising the kids seeing his mom so he doesnt have too whilst he 'works full time' (i also work full time).

I couldnt care at the least about his feelings anymore, I care about the best thing for my kids.