Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that men just don’t get it

45 replies

CostelloJones · 10/09/2025 21:18

I will admit that today I’m a bit tired and blah but I’m just trying to get on with the mountain of stuff that needs doing. DH asked why I was quiet. I said it’s not that deep and there’s no point talking about it because the conversation will go nowhere but he insisted. And yeah, it went south because he didn’t get it. All I really needed was for him to leave it OR a handhold while I had a little vent and I got neither

I have taken this week as AL with the purpose of being at home for youngest DC who is starting primary school and doing half days. DH can’t possibly take AL apparently because this week he needs to work earlier than usual etc. it’s always me that takes the time off never him.

I was trying to explain how it can just feel a bit rubbish when literally all you do is go to work, run around after other people, pick up after other people etc… it can feel like all you are valued for is what you do for other people but not who you are. Down to even taking AL being dictated by so many other things and you are the one expected to do it. My example after this was when you are pregnant and feel a little special and then you have the baby and you aren’t the priority any more. Sometimes it would be nice to feel a bit special and have the focus on you for a bit.

his answer were:

  • Well that’s life
  • Are you unhappy then
  • surely the kids are what makes you happy
  • oh is this about your parents (who are an absolute PITA but didn’t need bringing into this conversation)
  • It isn’t about you it’s about the kids
  • These are the sacrifices you make as a parent
  • Well some people don’t even have a family
  • there is so much going on in the world why are you moaning about this

I now feel like an awful person. I’m not naive to the fact my life is actually fine and I’m just being a bit of a princess but also.. why shouldn’t I want to be appreciated? That has no bearing on other things going on in the world and my perspective/support of them.

AIBU that men just don’t get it because they are hardly ever in this position?

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 10/09/2025 21:22

That’s verbatim what my now ex would say! I do think in certain industries men can be under work culture pressure to not pick up the traditionally female load. Of course it’s ingrained misogyny.

I will just say, that my ex was a high earner and when he did eventually start pulling more of his weight around childcare etc, they made him redundant and then we were really screwed!

You are right though, you are not an awful person - he’s simply ringfencing his time and exploiting your role as “mother”

HarriettandBob · 10/09/2025 21:23

I feel exactly this. And when I try to explain I am viewed as miserable.

Original poster
CostelloJones · 10/09/2025 21:23

AnotherNaCha · 10/09/2025 21:22

That’s verbatim what my now ex would say! I do think in certain industries men can be under work culture pressure to not pick up the traditionally female load. Of course it’s ingrained misogyny.

I will just say, that my ex was a high earner and when he did eventually start pulling more of his weight around childcare etc, they made him redundant and then we were really screwed!

You are right though, you are not an awful person - he’s simply ringfencing his time and exploiting your role as “mother”

Edited

Like how hard is it to just say “yeah it’s a bit dull sometimes” and move on 🤣

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 10/09/2025 21:25

CostelloJones · 10/09/2025 21:23

Like how hard is it to just say “yeah it’s a bit dull sometimes” and move on 🤣

Show quote history

Because they know and get on the defensive

Mutability · 10/09/2025 21:25

They’re not homogenous. You’ve just happened to marry a lunkhead. My husband has depth and empathy.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/09/2025 21:26

He does get it he just doesn't want to acknowledge it because then he would feel like he has to offer help and do his rightly share.
He basically trailed out sayings to get you to shut up and carry on being the donkey.

Ddakji · 10/09/2025 21:26

I don’t know if this is a man problem, but your H (reserving the D for the mo) sounds like a twat.

(Agree with your point that when you’re pregnant, especially with your first, you feel and are made to feel special but once you’ve had the baby you’re just another mum.)

Original poster
CostelloJones · 10/09/2025 21:30

And when you look at it - obviously it’s not men across the board. But how many women would be so emotionally obtuse in comparison? I would argue less.

I really feel like even when growing up boys are given so much reinforcement that they can behave a certain way that girls can’t. I’ve seen it with my own kids at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
CostelloJones · 10/09/2025 21:34

DH was privately educated at an all boys for a long time. This probably does not help 😂

I also have parents who if I won the Nobel prize would still find a way I’d done something wrong so I KNOW that doesn’t help either

just needed a little hand hold/vent

thank you to those that get it 🩷

OP posts:
Ddakji · 10/09/2025 21:37

CostelloJones · 10/09/2025 21:34

DH was privately educated at an all boys for a long time. This probably does not help 😂

I also have parents who if I won the Nobel prize would still find a way I’d done something wrong so I KNOW that doesn’t help either

just needed a little hand hold/vent

thank you to those that get it 🩷

Edited

My DH was also privately educated at a boys’ school for a long time. Maybe I’m lucky but in comparison to say many MN husbands, he’s a prince. Maybe it’s because most of his friends are women and they knocked anything like that out of him before I came along 🤣 . He’s not a blokey bloke at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2025 21:41

But you’re contributing to the low expectations of men here op! ‘Why are all men like this’ rather than ‘shit, I messed up and married a twat’

5128gap · 10/09/2025 21:44

Oh dear. He thinks you're malfunctioning and is a bit panicky about what that might mean for usual smiley wife service. He's no expert in how to fix you, so he's tinkering around pushing various buttons hoping something will work. The good news is that's when it doesn't he will do the equivalent of switching you off and on again. Also known as ignoring you until you put yourself right. Which is what you wanted in the first place.

tourdefrance · 10/09/2025 21:45

Yanbu. I think for many men, any childcare is entirely optional, whereas for women we are the default parent. So they would need a good reason to do it, and we'd need a good reason not to. Of course you love your kids but want to be someone in your own right too.

CantHoldMeDown · 10/09/2025 21:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PollyBell · 10/09/2025 21:46

But you are an adult and have made choices to be in this position, neither of you need a pat on the back for making choices you made, it is life

Mutability · 10/09/2025 21:58

You’ve married and had children with someone that falls very short.

Why did you do this? No handhold here, I’m afraid. There are much better men out there. You must have known, or at least suspected his limitations when you chose to be with him.

I’d be looking to get out before you have decades of disappointment and resentment.

Shutupkeith · 10/09/2025 22:10

Mutability · 10/09/2025 21:25

They’re not homogenous. You’ve just happened to marry a lunkhead. My husband has depth and empathy.

I think your husband is not the norm sadly.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 10/09/2025 22:13

Sorry OP. It just sounds like you married a dud.

brunettemic · 10/09/2025 22:14

Shutupkeith · 10/09/2025 22:10

I think your husband is not the norm sadly.

Show quote history

I disagree. My marriage is a team, to be honest DH probably supports me more than I realise. My friends all work together with their husbands/partners and share the “load”. At the weekend we were with friends where he gave up his design business so she could setup a business. He now lectures part time as it works for their family.

PrincessofWells · 10/09/2025 22:18

My advice to all you ladies is take time out for yourself. Go sit on a a beach for a few days or go to a spa, and do it regularly. You may find your absence from the chores does make the heart fonder.

Mrsmouse71 · 10/09/2025 22:18

have you not responded to his bullet points? They’re all dual aspect?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2025 22:18

If it’s no big deal and what you have to expect as a parent, and what should make you happy, then why can’t he do half of it again?

SirBasil · 10/09/2025 22:19

These are the sacrifices you make as a parent

You must always immediately counter that with "and what are you sacrificing?"
I

ExhaletheBS · 10/09/2025 22:19

He doesn't view as an equal. He doesn't view women and men as equals. Eww.

Mutability · 10/09/2025 22:35

Shutupkeith · 10/09/2025 22:10

I think your husband is not the norm sadly.

Show quote history

Nonsense. All of our friends are in equal
partnerships. We don’t know any men that don’t do their fair share. Any husband and father we know is just as capable as their partner.

Useless, semi-formed men might still exist, but they’re not the types of couples we’d mix with. I honestly think women that get together with useless, primitive men in this day and age are nuts.