Would you knowingly have a child with difficulties?

[Muffassa]

This is a subject close to my heart as I have a child with a genetic, life limiting illness.

I was watching Lenox Hill on Netflix tonight & a doctor had a possible abnormality raised at their 12 week scan.

I know it is a massively sensitive subject which is why I wouldn’t necessarily canvass people in real life but if you were pre-warned via scan or similar of an issue that your child would have, would you continue the pregnancy?

AIBU - I would continue no matter what
YANBU - If I knew my child would / had a significant risk of issues, I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy

Depends on how extreme the issues are.

If for example life long, can’t feed, look after themselves. Need 24hr care then no I wouldn’t. Have to think of the children I already have and the responsibilities they would have if I was gone.

I don't know. Can you miss what you don't yet know?

My youngest son is disabled, it's hard work, but he brings so much joy. We would not change him for the world but we also made steps to not have anymore children knowing that we would have a chance of having another disabled child.

Agree with pp.

It depends on the extent of the issues and the likely quality of life for the child.

I wouldn't knowingly bring a child into the world who was going to do nothing but suffer/live in extreme pain or discomfort.

We did the MaterniT21 test when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I can't say now for sure what we'd have done if the results had been positive but at the time, termination would definitely have been an option for us.

I’m not voting on something like this, sorry.

Yes it’s possible that if we had known our child would have significant difficulties, we might have terminated. My late Dh was not so ill back then but his health was still not great and his stability felt fragile.

Massive "it depends". There's achondroplasia in my family for example and I would never have aborted if my child had inherited it, but I know others do.
Life-limiting I think is a hard one to put yourself through more than anything, it's so hard to lose a child. But I think it's hard to know what you'll do until you're in the situation.

My friend has a high needs disabled child. DC is lovely, but incredibly hard work (will always require round the clock care) and the impact on them and their other DC is vast - other DC is a real glass sibling, family routine revolves around trying to give disabled DC a happy life.

Its really hard, and not what I'd choose for my family, especially not my DC as siblings.

We were in this situation - we were informed at 20 week scan that our daughter had brain abnormalities, which was then confirmed with an in utero mri of her brain at around 24 weeks. We were offered the option of terminating the pregnancy, which we declined.

She is now 6 and healthy, funny, smart, loving and top of her class. It still haunts me to this day that had we made a different decision, she would not be here.
But I can only have an opinion on our own story and decisions, no one has any right or ability to comment on any one else's.

From my perspective, my child isn’t necessarily “suffering” day to day but his childhood has been significantly impacted by hospital appointments every 2 months or more. He has meds to take, concerns that others don’t have.

His life isn’t shit but I wouldn’t knowingly hand this life to anyone but I know other people feel differently & do go on to have siblings with the same condition.

No I wouldn't. I had a medical termination at 23 weeks after finding out my baby had severe renal pelvic dilation. It was a very difficult decision. He was my first baby too.

I went to several consultants to see if anything could be done to help him.... they couldn't help him in the womb and if he did manage to stay alive until full term.... he would of never left hospital. He would be born with severe kidney and lung issues and would of basically been waiting for another baby to die so he could have their organs.... it was just awful.

I wouldn't want him to suffer

I’m a “it depends” person too. I think if my child was going to be severely disabled, in pain and have a low quality life I probably would terminate. Just being honest.

I also think that it is different now I have a child already, I would consider him and our family already if I knew our second child would have severe disabilities.

Completely depends. I found out at my anomaly scan that my son had a lower limb deformity. I chose to continue with my pregnancy knowing he’d have to have his leg amputated at 1 years old. It was hard at the time but he’s absolutely thriving, yes he is disabled but it rarely affects his day to day life.

Anything that would be severe needs with a poor quality of life then I would have had a termination

I think if it was of a severity that meant a life of significant disability, short painful life span etc then yes I would abort. I had an NIPT at 10 weeks and I had already decided what I would have done. It’s a painful decision to make and I wouldn’t blame anyone for choosing either option.

I am honestly interested & not being goady but the majority of responses seem to be that “severe issues” would be a no go but less severe would be OK & this is what I struggle with as my child’s current life mimics that of any child their age just with additional doctors appointments, medication to take & mental issues due to the “life limiting” factor.

Is this not enough to not want your child to go through if you could possibly help it?

Again, it massively depends. If it was going to mean a short life full of pain and suffering then yes I would terminate. If it was something like Downs syndrome then no I wouldn't.

My daughter has an abnormality which affects two of her organs, she has medication and hospital stays/appointments but she lives an incredibly full life. Yes it's not what I would choose for her but it certainly doesn't mean she has a bad quality of life.

I think moderate physical disabilities like limb differences, deafness or blindness, when not accompanied by other chronic medical problems or learning disabilities, wouldn't worry me. Modern technology gives a huge amount of assistance in these circumstances such that people can have a full, independent and happy life.

Id be more worried about serious cognitive or learning disabilities as i think these can be more limiting and carrying the risk of greater impact/burden on any siblings.

There’s no one answer. Would depend on quality of life. A child in my family is utterly miserable, always volatile, always angry, can barely perform any task for themselves - you’d never know that was their temperament from a scan. They are fighting a constant battle in their head. It’s difficult for everyone, child included. Not only do they not have quality of life there needs impact everyone around them too.

Other children with significant disabilities still find joy.

I wouldn’t continue, no.
We did the harmony test and we were both ready to terminate if the test was positive.
I know someone who has disabled kids and her life is so hard. She’ll be raising kids until the day she dies.

There are parents who have a child with my child’s condition to go on to have more knowing that the risk of another child with the same condition is 1 in 4.

I’ve had this conversation with my grown up child & knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have had them if I knew that they had the condition.

I know & accept there is no right & wrong but I do feel that I am in the minority, hence this poll.

That is such a wonderful outcome but what hell you must have gone through.

Not knowingly, no.

i cared for my mum , most of my life in some way or another. She had mental health issues and chronic health conditions. It has been incredibly hard. Maybe I’d feel differently about a child but I couldn’t knowingly.

On the face of it my child - now adult has had an amazing life but having had to stand by (sometimes hold them down) to go through awful medical procedures again & again over the years, it just doesn’t seem worth it & they agree with me.

I just think if you can avoid a more difficult life for your kid, that would make sense?

I refused the blood tests when I was pregnant as I didn't want to have such a dilemma, and would have loved my child no matter what. I was lucky, my babies were healthy. A friend of mine was told at a 4-month scan that her baby could not survive (basically heart and head were not developing) and had a termination, which I would have done in her situation. Every case is different, as is every mother.

I am very much pro choice and my own experience with caring for a disabled family member had led me to think that I would terminate if something severe came up. However once I was actually pregnant I felt extremely bonded to my baby and it would have had to have been very severe for me to consider terminating.