Would you knowingly have a child with difficulties?

[Muffassa]

This is a subject close to my heart as I have a child with a genetic, life limiting illness.

I was watching Lenox Hill on Netflix tonight & a doctor had a possible abnormality raised at their 12 week scan.

I know it is a massively sensitive subject which is why I wouldn’t necessarily canvass people in real life but if you were pre-warned via scan or similar of an issue that your child would have, would you continue the pregnancy?

AIBU - I would continue no matter what
YANBU - If I knew my child would / had a significant risk of issues, I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy

We were asked to take twenty four hours to go away and discuss what level of disability we were prepared to live with. This was at 16 weeks.
DH said he would support me in whatever I decided. Some might say this was passing the buck, but DH knew with his job (we already had one DC) that the majority of care would fall to me.
I decided as long as DC was expected to survive and if he had some quality of life we would continue. We were scanned every week until he was delivered. It was an awful time.
I think it made a difference (and I'm only talking about my experience) that we had tried for many years to conceive and thought it would never happen. We have a ten year gap.
DC was so desperately wanted and I felt he deserved a chance. I'm not into anything woo, but several weeks later I saw in my pregnancy notes the estimated conception date. It was the date my DF died.
DS had to stay in hospital a while and as a child was assessed as having mild learning difficulties. I shudder to think if I'd decided differently. Twenty plus years later he's amazing, having surpassed all expectations. He has a grrat career, a gf of several years and passed his driving test first time.
I know this isn't the outcome for everyone, but I made a decision believing the situation was far worse than it turned out to be.

Do you have a disabled child?

The couple who live on the corner near us have a severely disabled adult son.

Their lives must be extremely tough.

I think it must be so difficult: not only with a young child, but then as an adult too. And then obviously the parents start to age...

I think I would only really know the answer though the question if I was I in the situation. I say this because I always used to think that I would choose an abortion if I had an unwanted pregnancy. There was a time when I thought I might be pregnant and it was weeks away from me going on a dream backpacking trip for many months. I truly believed I was pregnant because my period was late and it was NEVER late. But perhaps miscalculated or perhaps I miscarried or perhaps for once in my life my period was late for some strange reason but anyway my period came. Phew!

There was another occasion when unborn DC2 had some potential abnormalities and DP started saying if they were confirmed, I should have an abortion, I was VERY conflicted. Luckily again, DC2 was fine so decision avoided.

A friend of mine had fertility issues and after an other 20 years, including many failed IVF attempts, finally got pregnant. She didn't bother with any screening tests because she just wanted a child, even if it was seriously disabled. Again, she was in luck too and she had a healthy child who is now an adult and working as a teacher.

Realistically, I would probably end the pregnancy. It's difficult to know for sure and it would depend on a lot of things apart from the nature of the disability, including how far along in the pregnancy I was when I found out and how much chance there would be of having another child after.

I was very clear with my partner that if at any of our scans we found out any of our babies were going to be born with significant disabilities/ delays or neurological deficits that I would terminate the pregnancy. It would have broken my heart but would have been the right decision as raising such a child was not the life I wanted or would have coped with and not a burden of care I would want to fall to our other children in the future out of a sense of duty or love. I have huge respect for those who do find out and continue their pregnancy.

I watch Peet Montzingo on TikTok. His parents, brother and sister all have some form of dwarfism but Peet is 6ft tall. His mother's pregnancy was risky when she was pregnant with him because he was growing so big.

So sometimes the 'difficulty' is being 'normal'.

I know Deaf people who are glad their child is also deaf.

I think it is a huge, 'it depends', one of my relatives' baby had no brain. She could have carried her to term but she would have had a short and painful life, think days not years.

My son is disabled we love him but life is harder for him and he struggles every day. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
I know someone who knew at around 15 weeks their baby had a life limiting genetic disorder. They continued with the pregnancy and he died at five days old. They had four other children who the pregnancy/death massively affected. You can’t say for definite what you would do until you are in that situation . But after watching that I think I would end the pregnancy.

I would have to think about how that child’s life would look if anything happened to me and the father. Or when we inevitably died, what situation is the child (grown up probably by this point) will they be in.

If they would be unlikely to lead an independent life then no, I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy.

I agree with you OP. My DS15 is autistic- no scan for that. He's miserable most of the time and if I had known then what I know now about how his life would turn out I would have terminated. He had a happy childhood but has been miserable since his teens seeing and understanding how his peers are advancing in life. I love him dearly but I wouldn't wish this anguish on anyone (his anguish).

Obviously it’d depend on circumstances but I think for me I’d of definitely chosen to terminate the pregnancy if it was a subsequent child. I think it’s incredibly tough for siblings of a disabled child as often the person with the highest needs is centred which is necessary but can mean it’s a real struggle to get your own needs met.

I’m sure there are families where it works well but in my experience there’s a lot of divorce and siblings hsve a hard time of it. I suppose I’d be willing to sacrifice for a disabled child but I’d prioritise any existing children if that makes sense?