Being apart from 9 month old for 2 weeks

[MissTiss]

Hi all,

DH is from Australia and wants to take DD (3) and DS (9 months by then) home for Christmas. I'm supposed to join December 1 but he wants to go two weeks earlier for extra time with his family.

I'm already taking 4 weeks off work in December after 8 months of mat leave and I could really use the two weeks to get started on a contracted project that's overdue and fairly important (writing a book). Also missing one leg of plane journey feels like a reward for all the sleepless nights!

But I'm starting to worry that 2 weeks apart from DS is too long. His dad is brilliant, he's very attached to him and he loves his sister. Grandparents etc will be there too.

But is it too long? I am not BF.

YABU - enjoy good sleep and a clear head for 2 weeks, baby will be fine.
YANBU - baby is too small go with them or stay behind for just one week.

Sorry but this sounds horrible for your 9 month old - a very long flight, a different country and no Mum for 2 weeks. I don't see how you can empathise with the dog having 2 weeks less in kennels and not see how this would be for a baby.

Shocking level of judgement on this thread.
The children are with a parent, they will be absolutely fine.
Those of you saying you "couldn't" do it, of course you could, you'd feel sad but you'd manage your feelings like a grown up. No one is dying.
It 100% makes practical sense and you should enjoy your break from childcare op.

@OrangeSmoke She literally asked for judgment.

Go for it. Baby will not be miserable and will love the extra attention from Grandparents. You can get on with your work, visiting your father and two weeks less for kennels is a big saving . If it was you and not your husband going no one would say he shouldn't do it . No wonder Mum guilt is such a thing but you'd expect more support on MN.

@OrangeSmoke

I don’t think it’s judgement. It’s a response to the OPs request for opinions. For a nine month old, I don’t think being with the dad is the same as being with mum. There is a special bond between a baby and mother- the baby heard the mother’s voice for all that time before being born, and then knew the mother’s smell when it was a newborn, it’s not the same connection as with dad.

@SavingForaSnowyDay the baby will be with his dad and wider family. The dog won’t be with anyone it lives with. Can’t you see the difference?

Why are you being so judgemental of people who wouldn't leave their baby?

I can manage my feelings like a grown up and also think two weeks is too long.

Can you go to Australia and work/write there so you are not apart from your kids? I’m only saying this because you’ve said you will feel terribly sad.. completely fine to do if you think you will be ok. I think my 3yo would miss me more than my 9mo though!

Baby will be absolutely fine. You might not though! If you don't regularly spend time apart now, maybe do a couple of nights or weekends away before the big trip to get used to it.

I'm going away soon for a week without DD, who will be 12mo. I'm simultaneously dreading it and very excited, even though fanily have been laying on the guilt. (I'm MOH at a wedding abroad, so there is a good reason...)

At the moment my DD spends two days and one night a week with dad at her grandparents' house while I'm working to keep childcare costs down. I found this agonising the first few times, but now I'm fine with it and. that one night a week of decent sleep has saved my sanity.

Go for it and remember if you're rested, healthy, happy and fulfilled you'll be much more present for DS.

So when people ask 'is a weekend/week away without my baby/toddler okay?', and they mean both parents will be gone, I'm the first to say no, I think that's really unfair for such a small child that doesn't have a concept of where you've gone or when/if you'll be back.

But here, your kids will be with their father, so it's very different. They'll be fine so I'd say if you feel happy with it, go for it. If you don't maybe try a compromise where he goes a week earlier.

I was still BFing at 9 months so it woud have been a no from me.
I'm not sure I would want to be without my kids for 2 weeks now though... they are 10 & 12. But people are different and there is no right answer.

I would be fretting about leaving both of the kids, more so the 3 year old as they have more understanding. But I would encourage DH to go so the kids can be with their wider family. Use the child free time to do nice things for yourself and relish the 24 hour flight there in peace!

Personally I’d go but plan in advance to treat the first couple of weeks as a writing retreat over there, take yourself to a nice library every day but have the evenings with your children still.

Hi OP, your concerns are completely reasonable. But I think you should enjoy the rest and the flight. It makes a change to hear of a dad doing this and not just leaving early by himself or something. Both of us are in the armed forces so have had to spend time away from our girls at various stages, it’s completely normal to feel daunted by it but it will also be a nice break for you and a lovely couple of weeks for DC’s and their dad/his side of the family x

Your kid will be fine without you.

I know we all like to paint the narrative of our kids would hate to be without us, but thats more for our benefit than theirs.

Could you compromise and they go out 1 week early instead of 2? I could be away from my DCs for 1 week but there’s no way I’d be without them for 2 weeks, it just seems too long.

Would it be worth doing a 'trial' night or two away before you decide, and see how you all cope. Maybe go and see your Dad? Or something to treat yourself

I had to travel for work when my daughter was a baby and did a ten day trip when she was about seven months. I missed her a lot but she was with her dad and absolutely fine.

The OP has asked is it too long? … that’s expecting people to reply with their opinions of whether it is or not? Don’t you see that? It’s not judgement at all.

No one is saying the child won’t be fine with their dad but will obviously miss mum to some extent. 2 weeks is a long time for either parent to be away.

Oh and telling me I could do it is rather strange, you are not me. I really could not. Wherever I had to be in the world and for whatever reason my baby would be coming with me. I’m not saying that is right for everyone/the OP but you cannot speak for me and a lot of the other posters on this thread.

Hi OP, your baby will be with their immediate family and will be loved and cared for. For the posters who say that they couldn't do it, I'm confident that their situations re family in another country are very different.
This will give you an opportunity to recharge and spend more time with your dad. Your baby will be fine.
This opportunity is unlikely to happen again anytime soon.
Remember that your baby will be with your immediate family

It’s entirely up to you. I left mine to work away for four months at that age. They were with their dad, and were fine. We Skyped. They developed a lovely close bond with their dad.

I do appreciate that it seems very hard but our whole relationship has been hard with families who literally couldn't be at further points apart in the world. We did UK / oz long distance for 4 years! My husband is on parental leave for 3 months and I'm hoping the baby will have transferred equal attachment to dad by then. Keeping baby with me is not a useful option as he's not in nursery til January so I wouldn't be able to work.

I do appreciate people saying a baby has a special bond with mum but at 9 months we personally think it's ok and even important for Dad to be just as important. My husband would be very hurt I didn't think this!!

I maybe should worry about my three year old but she is super close to Dad and we are very bonded as well. I'll be able to explain to her what's happening and she's done the journey before. We can also chat on Skype and she'll be so excited to be with her cousins and nana.

I'm coming round to it tbh. After losing mum I haven't spent solo time with dad and that is important too. I basically hardly saw my daughter for 2 weeks while my mum was dying and I was 24/7 in the hospital and it was totally fine...

Thanks all. It has helped me think through things... I'm going to try a night away and see how it feels.

I travel for work a lot, and there is something very visceral about being in another country from your children - it is emotionally very difficult to be that far away and not be able to get to them in an emergency. I have done it and will continue to, but I really couldn't have been on the other side of the world from them as babies. I have rearranged an upcoming work trip to cut down down from two weeks to ten days and mine are teens/pre-teens now. It will be the longest I've been away from them.

There are great things about it and I have really enjoyed travelling and quiet hotel rooms! But there is a flipside, and I think two weeks at such distance from a baby and a toddler might be hard for you.

@MissTiss

Only you can know what is best but something doesn’t sit right about your comment that dad would be hurt if he wasn’t seem as equally important. Dad is important of course, but you are both different and that is natural- only you carried and gave birth to your baby. You will have different connections and roles with your children at different times. You don’t need to downplay your connection with the baby as mum. It just made me wonder if dad is creating some pressure or making this about him. This is a bit of an assumption from me, so feel free to ignore if I’m wrong!

No way could I have done that. They’re way too little. Not a chance.