To be annoyed DH is going on a ski trip

[Newworkingmum]

DH wants to go on a ‘boys trip’ skiing for 5/6 nights next spring when we will have a 16 month old. He works offshore 2 weeks on/2 weeks off and will go away after a couple of days being home. I have retired parents close by to help with childcare, however, they do 3 days per week when he’s away as I work full time so outside of my working hours I don’t ask for any further help from them (they’ve said they can’t take any more on).

I have a couple of UK weekend trips planned, both have landed when he’s away so MIL is travelling for the weekend to look after DD, both of my trips are bridesmaid duties (hen and a dress try on) so a bit less avoidable. Let me know your thoughts, not sure if I’m being dramatic as my dad never did this and I personally don’t want to leave my family for any amount of time, I’d just go somewhere with them.

Is it a one off or a pattern? Personally, if you can afford for each of you to take a few days away separately with friends I wouldn’t mind. Sometimes it’s good to remember you’re still a person as well as a parent.

If he keeps on doing it, you can’t afford it or he wouldn’t allow you to do the same then no.

If you manage ok when he’s away then I would imagine he doesn’t feel it’s an issue - not as if it’s a new born is it. If it’s a one off then I’d accommodate it

What s the issue? You can take a 5 day break when he is at home the next time

What's his plan for childcare while he's on the trip?

Definitely take your break the next time he's home - otherwise that's going to become a regular habit.

Well I understand the allure of skiing, plus it’s a bit rich to say you don’t know why he wants to when you have two weekends away already planned. But yes it does sound as if the current set up with him working away is already pretty demanding on your DPs.

I think you need to sit down and discuss it neutrally. Just because your DF didn’t go away doesn’t mean your marriage has to be the same, and if budget and time allows it’s good for each of you to have a bit of independence.

What does the rest of the year look like?
Does he see pals every weekend he's home?

Do you get down time when hes away?
Do you get time with your pals?

I really wouldn't object to a trip once a year, provided you also get time to yourself or with friends.

His shift patterns determine he can only go when home.
its one trip!
let him go

Let me know your thoughts, not sure if I’m being dramatic as my dad never did this and I personally don’t want to leave my family for any amount of time, I’d just go somewhere with them.

What your dad did is irrelevant and your overall judgement seems a bit unfair. He has no choice but to be used to being away from his family if his means of supporting them is by working offshore.

You’re having two weekends away, so him having 5/6 nights away isn’t much different. He might be looking forward to his trip more than you are yours, but that’s not his fault.

It’s one trip a year. You have 2 planned yourself! Skiing isn’t exactly something your toddler can really do yet so it’s better to go with mates than as a family whilst they’re so young. What your dad did growing up is totally irrelevant. So from that perspective I think it’s all fine. Or is the issue that you won’t have any childcare at all whilst he’s away so it’s going to be impossible with work? If that’s the case then I’d put it on him to sort that out, he can persuade MIL or find a sitter or something, and on the proviso he does that then he can go.

@Bitzee I see mine as a bit different as one is 24 hours and the other is 48 and both are somewhat mandatory since I’m a bridesmaid. I will have childcare during the day while he’s away but not outside of my working hours so I’ll be working full time for almost 3 weeks straight (with a 2 day break) and looking after DD on my own outside of that.

He suggested asking his parents to come and stay to help but this means I will worry about getting the house ready for them and the chores associated with that as well as feeling like I need to keep them fed and entertained, but it potentially is an option.

I think the issue is a combination of me already feeling like we’re at max capacity in terms of how much myself and our parents can take on with our current work schedule and commitments, along with differing needs between us for separate trips (I would prefer a family trip as I’d miss him & DD). So I’m basically both overwhelmed and offended 😂

Does he ever look after his child alone? Sounds like is only the GPs who do that when OP is away.

Yabu.

DH goes away for a week every year snowboarding with friends and it does him the world of good. Yes it is a difficult week for me, holding the fort with both kids (1 with SEN) and working full time. But I also go away once a year and he does the same for me by holding the fort.

I really feel it benefits us hugely to have a week away just doing our own thing.

@Jaws2025 he has never looked after DD on his own overnight, only for a couple of hours during the day. He will be looking after her alone a lot more now that I’m back to work as he’ll do the 3 day a week childcare when he’s home (obviously, unless he’s skiing!)

I am going to be honest I think you are being unreasonable. If he is a good husband, pulls his weight and is a good dad then I would tell him to go. Being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t also be “you” still and if it’s one trip away I’d say go. I understand it might be a slog but you know you’ve also got one in the bag if you ever need it to say “I’m going away on a girls trip soon!”

I think it’s unfair to use the “I wouldn’t be able to do it, I’d miss you and DD too much!”! against him, you may not be ready for 5 nights away - but your DH is and that’s fine

Yabu

Its a bit hypocritical to say it's OK for you to go away, even if it is leas nights its still 2 overnight trips but then to moan if he goes away.

Also you don't "have" to go, you could have declined bridesmaid duties if you are so against parents going away for social reasons for the night

The thing I would find really odd is him actively choosing to leave his 16 month old for 5 days when he's away from them for 2 weeks at a time as it is.

@CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease thank you, that’s interesting to hear! It sounds like you’re able to fully enjoy yourself when you’re away? I worry I’d miss DD and DH and wish I was doing the holiday with them.

@SavingForaSnowyDay this is what I find odd too, to be honest, because I don’t want to go away even just for 5 days when I work from home.

Becuase that’s his work pattern. He’s off for 2 whole weeks at a time, it’s like working 5 days on and 2 days off. He is used to this pattern so it doesn’t feel any different to him.

He is allowed to have a life and a holiday as long as he is a good dad and pulling his weight at home I don’t see why he shouldn’t be able to.

I go away all the time by myself, without DH or DS.

I don’t go often but I have done since my DS turned 1. I would be offended if DH stopped me

I chose not to do it myself until DS was 3 as he breastfed until 2.5 and I didn’t want to be away from them all. But then it reached the point where I wanted some me time and once I did it I realised that yes I missed them but I also enjoyed the break.

a week of not being “needed”, no work, no household stuff, knowing kids are safe at home with DH.

I tend to go on a cruise - everything done for me, very relaxing, sleep, reading, nice food, variety of ports. I love it!

So your issue is 1 toddler but you will have childcare in the day. So it's the 5 bedtimes you'll have to do?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as long as he’s happy for you to have a break too, and as long as it’s not going to be an “every other month” thing.