To think neighbour changed her mind

[ForZanyTraybake]

My neighbour asked me to go to flower arranging with her in the community centre. I agreed and she called for me and we went together. The following week was bank holiday but she said she'd call me and we'd go out for the day. The call never came. Last week I waited for her to call for me for flower arranging as agreed but she walked past and didn't look in. Same thing this week only ten minutes into the flower arranging she text me and said she forgot to call for me and was I going round. I've ignored the text as I think she didn't want to see me and for whatever reason has now changed her mind. This is a very intelligent woman in her forties with no clear signs of Alzheimer's. Aibu to not trust her.

How? You’ve been once and she’s still going? What did she use you for on that one occasion?

She's clearly a bit flaky. I think it would be reasonable to not engage in any more arrangements with her because of this. If you want to go to the flower arranging then go yourself. If she suggests calling for you - then just say that you'll see her there. If she suggests another day out just tell her you're busy. I'd give her a wide berth.

I think if you want to go flower arranging, or would like to get to know your neighbour better, or both, you need to be more proactive. If you are ready to go flower arranging and she walks past, just go out and join her. If she’s off somewhere else, fine. You carry on to flower arranging. If there’s no sign of her, go on your own. I don’t think she would have messaged you if she didn’t want you to come.

If I’d been expecting someone to call me to make arrangements and hadn’t heard (bank holiday), I would have messaged ‘Are you still free to do something on the bank holiday? Would be good to meet up, but no worries if you’re busy.’
Don’t hang around waiting. Life’s too short. Take things into your own hands.

Fair enough, I disagree

No point asking if she wanted to do something when she got into her car and towed the caravan away in bank holiday. It was pretty obvious she wasn't going to be home.

She's not using you though is she? She realised you weren't at flower arranging and was bothered enough to check and see if you could come.

But I wasn't there last week either when she didn't call for me as she promised. She didn't text me then to find out why I wasn't there. Don't you see how weird this is? She runs other classes at the community centre, not the flower arranging though and I'm wondering if she was just trying to boost the numbers.

Yes, it's annoying when people don't call when they say they would. Some people are a bit flaky, and it's irritating.

You're massively overreacting to a minor issue, though. You say yourself that you barely know her so why all this angst about whether you 'can trust her'? If your best friend had started letting you down all the time, sure, that might be concerning. But a neighbour you hardly know? Just shrug and move on.

You can go to flower arranging without walking there with her, you know.

So she’s the teacher of the class, not the participant?

It may be the case that she simply forgot to message you. However, that does’t stop you just sending a message regarding making arrangements to go.

if you weren’t there, she probably assumed you didn’t like it. Not weird to be. If you were poorly, she probably would have assumed you would let her know.

I never knew there could be so much angst over flower arranging! Who knew.

Sorry, misread it, but there’s no need to be rude!

I can see why your neighbour no longer wants to go with you.

Look at your behaviour.

She walked with you once to flower arranging - how it that ‘using you’?

And of course you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face if you want to go to the flower arranging, but are sulking at home watching her walk past because she didn’t ring your doorbell?

It’s becoming quite clear why someone might not want to repeat a walk to flower arranging with you.

How is she 'using' you?

You're being very strange.

Make your points real quick OP.

I have a feeling the thread may not be long for this world ...

After your most recent update, I‘m beginning to think your neighbour may have dodged a bullet. I don’t think you have the right temperament for flower arranging. Try TaeKwondo, maybe?

Nowt so queer as folk.

Possibly she is just absent minded. Quite possible with having dementia.

Or she is flaky.

Either way just be polite, don’t accept any future invitations as likely to actually happen and be independent in any activities.

Try not to openly fall out because from experience any sort of dispute with a neighbour is beyond stressful and to be avoided if humanly possible.

Did you maybe call her dumb when she accidentally misunderstood something ? Because that would explain it.

Or after one time going with OP she realised how rude she was and doesn’t want to repeat the experience?

I think that’s most likely!

What a mystery why she doesn't want to go with you! You're such a delight!

Do you struggle to make and maintain friendships in general?
The hurt coming through your messages over this situation & quite strong wording eg ‘using’ you, quickly calling another poster ‘dumb’ for misunderstanding, shows you’re getting quite frustrated over what would be insignificant to most people but if this is something that was very important to you, it must be upsetting.

Do you have any other hobbies or social groups?
I know it’s hard to understand but socially a lot of people use niceties ‘oh we must meet up’ ‘let’s get a date in the diary’ ‘we should do xx in the summer’ ‘text me dates you’re free’ ‘I’ll be in touch’ I know for sure that me & my husbands friends wives, and my neighbours, and former colleagues, people on the fringes of life, who are all perfectly lovely women, who’s company I do enjoy, say things like this ALL THE TIME. but it’s a no obligation sort of thing, if they didn’t text me dates I wouldn’t think anything of it, if I didn’t contact them to follow up it wouldn’t be hurtful either side, and if we do actually manage to put together a plan then fantastic, but none of us feel strongly enough about each other to feel upset if it doesn’t happen & we certainly don’t hold it against each other. However. I would say that both sides do understand that this is just pleasantries, not a plan set in stone. If I wanted to do something they’d invited me to vaguely, then I’d take the initiative & get in touch & confirm the plan, as they would with me.

Update: the forgetful neighbour knocked and said she forgot to call me over bank holiday and went away for 3 days in her caravan. Forgot to call for me for flower arranging the following week because she went with her daughter and forgot to call for me again this week. Asked me to go next week and said she'd call for me so I said I didn't want to go to which she said she'd call for me anyway. Weird!

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