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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to meet his friend on holiday?

71 replies

BlueShiney · 08/09/2025 12:50

Some perspective from others would be appreciated. DP and I are going on a cruise tonight and when in Spain my DP has asked me to meet someone he used to work with 13 years ago who lives there (he lives in place where the ship ports)

I don’t want to mainly because I cant be bothered both physically (I have a condition which makes me very tired) and I don’t want to spend my free time with a stranger that I have zero interest in, so I’ll be sitting there like a lemon or having to make small talk for longer than I’d like. I realise some would say that’s not very sociable of me and I absolutely agree, but having to be making small talk with strangers most of my life whether it be work related or to appease my DP or other people, I simply can’t be bothered now. I feel like it’s my time and I’m not obliged to do things that make me uncomfortable etc to please other people. Now I just say no if I don’t want to.

I’ve been very sociable over the years in support of my DP and put myself in situations where I wouldn’t chose for myself. If it was a real friend that moved there a year ago or so that would be different, but it’s a random that he worked with and hasn’t seen head nor tail of since.

He’s got form for being selfish when we go on holiday “I want to see this, I’d like to see that” and more often than not he gets his own way but this has pissed me off probably a bit more than it should because he’s practically organised it without asking me. I think part of it is because he is quite selfish at times. He was saying if I’d like to go a see some famous painting we need to book and it might be an hour or two queue. I laughed and said I’m not queuing that long to see something I don’t even know what it is. Guess who does want to see it… He’s already got a list of stuff we need to see 🙄

I’m the spoil sort and awkward own apparently and he’d like to se his ‘friend’. I said he can go and I’ll stay on the ship or head the ship early so that’s the compromise surely? I’m not stopping him but equally I can’t be bothered myself.

Go on then, give me your thoughts…

OP posts:
Fountofwisdom · 08/09/2025 13:38

Bit weird to want to meet up with an old work colleague he hasn’t seen for 13 years. But I’d just let him get on with it and you stay on the ship and do something nice for yourself.

If he’s generally selfish about what you do on holiday, that's a different conversation you need to have with him. I went on holiday with a long-standing friend of 30+ years who I knew was a bit grumpy, but turned out to be selfish, controlling, mean and insufferable on holiday so I will never again go on holiday with anyone I have the slightest doubt about.

Untailored · 08/09/2025 13:39

Have you said that he can go but you’ll do something else? What was his response?

LightDrizzle · 08/09/2025 13:40

Can you clarify whether he is pushing you to come too or is he happy for you to do your own thing?

I’d probably be happy to meet up if it left time to see the sights but if not. Neither I nor my husband would have a problem with me going off and doing my own thing. I’m more into art than him so sometimes I go off leaving him chilling.

HungryWater · 08/09/2025 13:43

Well, go and see the friend or don't go, but in general, by your own account, you sound spectacularly misanthropic and sour.

JadziaD · 08/09/2025 13:43

You don't sound very holiday compatible. He wants to meet people and socialise. you don't. He wants to see major sights and is happy to queue and plan accordingly. You don't.

Seems to me that your best bet is to agree to do a fair bit of your holiday time separately.

Of course, if your issue is that you want to be together the whole time, then you have much bigger problems because there's no compromise.

ruethewhirl · 08/09/2025 13:46

Surely he can meet his mate alone? In your shoes I'd take a relaxing evening for myself while he goes and catches up. I think you've had some rather harsh replies, I have multiple conditions and totally get the tiredness!

Friendlygingercat · 08/09/2025 13:48

Your suggestion to either stay on the ship or split off and do your own thing is a good compromise. DH gets to see his old chum and can spend as much time as the stopover allows. You get to do spend some of the time in ways that interest you.

This is why I stopped going on holiday with other people - in my case friends since Im no longer married. They always wanted to do some things which were of no possible interest to me - and vice versa. Yet when I suggested splitting up and each having time to ourselves the reply was that its no fun visiting Notre Dame or going up the tower on your own. So I either felt guilted into doing things I didnt want to do or guilty for carving out some ME time. Eventualy I began to travel alone - starting with European cities. Eventually I had the confidence to tour independently around the middle east as a solo female.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 08/09/2025 13:49

Honestly, just do your own thing.

Your DH's colleague won't care one tiny little bit that you're not coming along. Why would he??

Your DH should be able to understand that you'd rather do something else.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 08/09/2025 13:49

I'm with you @BlueShiney. To me, holidays are all about relaxation. I hate having to rush around and be active. I want to sit in the sun, either on a beach or by a pool (if it's quietish) with a book and a drink. A stroll to town in the evening for a relaxed drink in the town square and watching the world go by is nice.

I don't want to sight see. The occasional chilled trip is OK but no thanks to dashing around, doing culture or shopping. I've been there, done that, to please others in the past. Now, if that is the sort of holiday that's on offer, I won't go.

Let him go off and do his thing. He can tell you all about it when he gets back.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 08/09/2025 13:50

HungryWater · 08/09/2025 13:43

Well, go and see the friend or don't go, but in general, by your own account, you sound spectacularly misanthropic and sour.

Or perhaps a more generous perspective is that she's tired and wants to chill quietly. There is more than one way to live you know.

ishimbob · 08/09/2025 13:51

Maybe this is just a one off issue / snapshot but what comes across is that you can't be bothered to do anything you don't want to do to make your partner happy and I don't think that makes for a successful relationship

pikkumyy77 · 08/09/2025 13:52

JadziaD · 08/09/2025 13:43

You don't sound very holiday compatible. He wants to meet people and socialise. you don't. He wants to see major sights and is happy to queue and plan accordingly. You don't.

Seems to me that your best bet is to agree to do a fair bit of your holiday time separately.

Of course, if your issue is that you want to be together the whole time, then you have much bigger problems because there's no compromise.

I agree with this. Why waste precious time and life energy sulking, retreating, snd refusing in irder to protect yourself from his version of fun? Just lead separate lives.

HungryWater · 08/09/2025 13:53

Slightyamusedandsilly · 08/09/2025 13:50

Or perhaps a more generous perspective is that she's tired and wants to chill quietly. There is more than one way to live you know.

Show quote history

That's also certainly possible.

But as the OP complains about her DH wanting to do things on every holiday they go on together, and that he's considerably more sociable than she is, it sounds like a more fundamental incompatibility. If she is generally burnt out and needs holidays where she sees no one and does nothing, it sounds as if they should holiday separately, so that he can go and see paintings and meet friends and she can do nothing.

BruFord · 08/09/2025 13:57

What I’d do is suggest that you meet his former colleague for a quick pre-dinner drink.

This year, DH and I went on holiday to a city where one of my former colleagues lives and I’m afraid that I arranged for us to meet up! But, it was short and sweet-the two couples met up for pre-dinner cocktails at a bar they recommended, nattered for about an hour and went our separate ways.

I’ve done the same with DH’s colleagues, it’s not annoying if you keep it quick. Plus I do love a good cocktail on holiday. 🍸

TheCurious0range · 08/09/2025 13:59

BlueShiney · 08/09/2025 13:33

That’s what you’ve taken from it and that’s fair enough and I don’t care about changing your mind, but no need for your sarky reply in your first post.

Too add, let’s hope your DP doesn’t get on your nerves at times!

Edited
Show quote history

No sarcasm you genuinely don't sound like you like him very much

WFHforevermore · 08/09/2025 14:06

Jeez, why does he even bother going on holiday with you?!

Frostynoman · 08/09/2025 14:17

I voted YABU purely because you should tell him no and wander around yourself and enjoy doing what you want to do. You don’t have to be glued together in this port. He needs to understand this

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 08/09/2025 14:19

OP accompanies her DH because she likes and loves him, but that doesn't mean she needs to put herself through things that she doesn't enjoy or that drain her. They can easily do the bits they both enjoy together and then do the other bits separately so that both are happy. Not a big deal. That's what compromise is.

BoudiccaRuled · 08/09/2025 14:22

You sound really boring.

Delatron · 08/09/2025 14:29

I get it. I wouldn’t want to waste a precious night of my holiday making small talk with a rando. You’ve been perfectly reasonable saying your DH can go without you.

I mean a colleague from 13 years ago is hardly a close friend. Your DH sounds super sociable and that’s fine. It’s also ok to be more introverted. I would suggest doing more things apart on holiday. Then everyone is happy.

ConstitutionHill · 08/09/2025 14:31

You are not locked at the hip. You enjoy the ship and he can do his excursions, then meet back later.

StewkeyBlue · 08/09/2025 14:39

You’ve never been to this place before and would like to explore the streets etc - so do that! Go on your own, sit down and have a coffee or on a bench in a square with a drink from a shop, explore on your own!

Why would you stay in the ship on your own rather than explore the town on your own?

Do some research for the sights to see, good cafes etc and enjoy doing your own thing.

minecraftmind · 08/09/2025 14:52

He meets his friend whilst you have a lovely relaxing day to yourself, surely?

ILoveWhales · 08/09/2025 15:18

StewkeyBlue · 08/09/2025 14:39

You’ve never been to this place before and would like to explore the streets etc - so do that! Go on your own, sit down and have a coffee or on a bench in a square with a drink from a shop, explore on your own!

Why would you stay in the ship on your own rather than explore the town on your own?

Do some research for the sights to see, good cafes etc and enjoy doing your own thing.

I cant be bothered both physically (I have a condition which makes me very tired)

Did you all miss this. Perhaps with her condition, she was rather have her husband with her.

So either she sits with his friend, or does nothing.

FlakedColourWrap · 08/09/2025 15:22

He can see his friend alone

You can relax or do whatever you like

You are both adults

No issue

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