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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried I caused son’s heart defect

48 replies

Liteflite · 08/09/2025 06:45

My son was born with a heart defect that required surgery. It went well and he is thriving now. We now have to have yearly check ups.
I can’t stop blaming myself that I didn’t take prenatal vitamins (my son was a happy surprise). If I’d taken them maybe he would have been perfectly healthy. I don’t know how much longer I can keep blaming myself for

OP posts:
OhNoNotSusan · 08/09/2025 06:46

pre natal vitamins are not taken by everyone, do you mean folic acid?

DoRayMeMeMe · 08/09/2025 06:48

You aren’t to blame.

Are you generally anxious though, is this about him, or part of generallly being a worrier sort of person?

Oneplainwrap · 08/09/2025 06:50

I'm so sorry to hear about your son, I can’t imagine how stressful that must be and I hope he is doing ok.

Not taking pre natal vitamins is not associated with any heart problems so you have categorically NOT caused this.

Original poster
Liteflite · 08/09/2025 06:50

I do have ocd

OP posts:
Original poster
Liteflite · 08/09/2025 06:50

I only started taking my pregnancy vitamins once I knew I was pregnant

OP posts:
supercalifragilistic123 · 08/09/2025 06:55

The only vitamin you are encouraged to take when pregnant is folic acid. This is associated with neural tube defects like spina bifida.

CloudySeptemberDays · 08/09/2025 06:58

This sounds like it might be rumination. I have huge anxiety and rumination with my bipolar. it was suggested to me when I start ruminate to ask myself the purpose of focusing on a thought. So any thought that is about the past, which is by definition impossible to change what happened, I have trained myself to skip past onto another thought that pulls me out of the rumination. I have a list of thought to move onto (next exercise comp, what I need for next upcoming holiday or day out, etc etc) and if all else fails, I doom scroll till I find things that made me chuckle.

I’m so glad the surgery was a success and your baby is thriving. You’ve been through a hugely worrying and stressful time. Be as kind to yourself as you can manage. All the best.

Silverbirchleaf · 08/09/2025 07:01

Don’t blame yourself. It was just one of these things. I think you’re suffering from a ‘post traumatic stress’ type reaction from everything that has gone on, and are looking for someone or something to blame. A natural reaction. However, you are not to blame.

My son was in seriously ill in hospital aged three. He’s now mid twenties. At end of January, the anniversary of his illness, I always remember what went on, and have some reflective moments, so I do get where you are coming from, and have those ‘what if’ moments.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 08/09/2025 07:03

You are not to blame. I tried my best to take my prenatal vitamins in pregnancy but they always came back up as I was so sick. I'm glad his surgery went well and he's thriving, long may it continue! Don't blame yourself.

3tumsnot1 · 08/09/2025 07:08

Liteflite · 08/09/2025 06:45

My son was born with a heart defect that required surgery. It went well and he is thriving now. We now have to have yearly check ups.
I can’t stop blaming myself that I didn’t take prenatal vitamins (my son was a happy surprise). If I’d taken them maybe he would have been perfectly healthy. I don’t know how much longer I can keep blaming myself for

Categorically not your fault.

if you could impact heat defects with vitamins, doctors would be prescribing vitamins to pregnant women as a matter of course.

they are not.

i didn’t take any vitamins and had 3 healthy babies.

try not to focus on it, your brain is fixating. Try to think about all the things that are fine. This is not your fault.

ShodAndShadySenators · 08/09/2025 07:13

It's such a horrible feeling, isn't it. I had an early pregnancy loss and blamed myself for it, thinking over what I had done wrong, should have done differently, etc.

But there's no correlation between not taking vitamins in pregnancy and the baby having problems. Women having been growing babies on poor diets for a very long time, sometimes these things just happen. It's not something you have caused.

I really think you would benefit from counselling if you can get it, or the doctors who are looking after your son will be able to reassure about it.

Cormoransjacket · 08/09/2025 07:15

Exactly the same thing happened to me. I became pregnant unexpectedly, I took pregnancy vitamins as soon as I knew and my son was born with a CHD. This was not your fault. You did everything you could for your boy. Many, many women have unplanned pregnancies, and 98% of babies are born totally healthy.

My son is now 16 and he is genuinely the best human being I have ever met. He is kind, gentle, funny and gnerally lovely. He has an excellent quality of life and he has a huge amount to contribute to the world. Your son is totally amazing too. Having a Mum who loves him will make a world of difference to him.

lljkk · 08/09/2025 07:43

It's a miracle that any babies grow correctly. From embryo to fetus to baby there are so many ways the gene divisions can go wrong... and usually it is the genes that go wonky and at random, nobody's fault, just random odds that something will grow a bit wrong.

Please don't worry about things outside your control.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/09/2025 07:45

3tumsnot1 · 08/09/2025 07:08

Categorically not your fault.

if you could impact heat defects with vitamins, doctors would be prescribing vitamins to pregnant women as a matter of course.

they are not.

i didn’t take any vitamins and had 3 healthy babies.

try not to focus on it, your brain is fixating. Try to think about all the things that are fine. This is not your fault.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not sure where you are or when you had your children but you absolutely are given vitamins by your midwife to take throughout your pregnancy by the NHS in England.

MrsBucketHat · 08/09/2025 07:49

Mrsttcno1 · 08/09/2025 07:45

I’m not sure where you are or when you had your children but you absolutely are given vitamins by your midwife to take throughout your pregnancy by the NHS in England.

Show quote history

I live in England and wasn’t given or offered vitamins by my midwife. I had to buy them.

maryberryslayers · 08/09/2025 07:51

Liteflite · 08/09/2025 06:50

I only started taking my pregnancy vitamins once I knew I was pregnant

This is the same as every single person I know. It absolutely wasn't anything you did or didn't do.

Could you possibly speak to your son's doctor for some reassurance?

marnieMiaou · 08/09/2025 07:57

As long as you didnt smike, drink or take certain drugs during early pregnancy it won't be anything you did.

Original poster
Liteflite · 08/09/2025 08:00

marnieMiaou · 08/09/2025 07:57

As long as you didnt smike, drink or take certain drugs during early pregnancy it won't be anything you did.

I took some paracetemol as I had a temperature in early pregnancy and drank one alcoholic drink when I didn’t know I was pregnant

OP posts:
Thissickbeat · 08/09/2025 08:04

One drink really won't have done any harm at all.
Millions of healthy babies are conceived during drunk high days and holidays and mums don't always realise they're pregnant early on.

OpheliaNightingale · 08/09/2025 08:04

@Liteflite @ my son has very serious health conditions. I too spend much of my time thinking of ways I might have cause them.

Endofyear · 08/09/2025 08:05

I'm absolutely sure that you didn't cause your son's heart defects. Is a feature of your OCD intrusive thoughts? Has the stress of dealing with your son's condition made it worse? Please speak to your doctor & don't continue to suffer unnecessarily. You did nothing wrong.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 08/09/2025 08:06

What's done is done and as PP have said, loads of women don't take them from day 1 as they either don't know or don't have access to them. You an't rewind and replay the past so what good is any of this doing you?

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 08/09/2025 08:07

There's quite a lot of folic acid in day to day stuff op like bread etc..it's not yoir fault

Original poster
Liteflite · 08/09/2025 08:07

Endofyear · 08/09/2025 08:05

I'm absolutely sure that you didn't cause your son's heart defects. Is a feature of your OCD intrusive thoughts? Has the stress of dealing with your son's condition made it worse? Please speak to your doctor & don't continue to suffer unnecessarily. You did nothing wrong.

Yes and risk assessment and magical thinking so it’s just the worst thing to have happened because I’ve spent my life never taking risks and the one time I threw caution to the wind this happened. I was so so careful when we planned my first child I took pre conception vitamins for 3 months did everything by the book. The guilt and what ifs eat me alive

OP posts:
Original poster
Liteflite · 08/09/2025 08:08

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 08/09/2025 08:06

What's done is done and as PP have said, loads of women don't take them from day 1 as they either don't know or don't have access to them. You an't rewind and replay the past so what good is any of this doing you?

I know I can’t rewind the clock and put things right that’s what kills me

OP posts:
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