Worried I caused son’s heart defect

[Liteflite]

My son was born with a heart defect that required surgery. It went well and he is thriving now. We now have to have yearly check ups.
I can’t stop blaming myself that I didn’t take prenatal vitamins (my son was a happy surprise). If I’d taken them maybe he would have been perfectly healthy. I don’t know how much longer I can keep blaming myself for

How long ago? I have a toddler, currently 7 months pregnant with my second and absolutely everyone is given the vitamins by midwife.

You need to see the doc. You really do. I have 3 children and took no vits at all. All fine.
I have worked in maternity and dealt with women who were mostly drunk till they found they were pregnant! ... and they had healthy babies.
All round the world healthy babies are born to people who took no vits and drank like fishes!
When you have OCD it is common for your mind to latch on to one thing and find it hard to let go ... however irrational you know it to be.
Please do talk with your doctor about this particular anxiety so that you can get on with enjoying your lovely son. I am so glad that his problem was treated speedily.

Our brains are wired to find a reason for things and will hook onto something believing that is the cause. Then throw in mum guilt , your love for your child and your OCD and you don’t stand a chance of not blaming yourself when you are not to blame. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused your son’s heart condition. Unfortunately, it’s one of those things that has happened. It’s bad luck. Life does like to throw a bad luck bomb at people for no reason from time to time.

It's absolutely not your fault!

An anecdote for you: I have a 3.5 year old and am currently nearly 37 weeks pregnant. Both times I wasn't prescribed prenatal vitamins until after the 12 week ultrasound (I'm not in the UK before anyone says that doesn't happen). I conceived both children via IVF and the only thing they made sure I took was folic acid. Before conceiving my daughter I had been on a normal dose of folic acid for 6 years, through a 17 week miscarriage, IUI, multiple failed rounds of IVF including 2 further first trimester miscarriages. After the successful IVF transfer with my daughter and a good first ultrasound I was prescribed a high dose of folic acid because there was some new evidence that it may prevent miscarriage for some people. I took my new, high dose of folic acid religiously. Guess what? My daughter has spina bifida and the doctors have no idea why! Sometimes these things just happen and it's absolutely nobody's fault. At this point I honestly find it amazing that so many people have several pregnancies with no issues at all (probably because the universe is too busy chucking everything my way!)

With my current pregnancy I was prescribed the high dose of folic acid in advance, so had been on it for 4 months when we did the actual IVF transfer. This baby looks perfectly fine so far, other than being on the small side.

My little one is one. It must be a regional thing - I’m in the north west.

My child has a heart defect too. I did this. But it’s not logical and it’s not right. 1 in 100 babies have a heart defect. And that’s not because 1 in 100 mums do something wrong and the other 99 are perfect. It’s because the heart is complicated and at a very, very early stage if fetal development it missed a bit and that’s what happened for you. Your son is ok, you are ok. Be kind to yourself.

Your sons illness was not caused by you not taking pregnacare. What did his Dr's say caused it ?

You are not to blame. We found out our daughter had a serious heart defect at the the 20 week scan, she also required surgeries, the last one when she was 8. She is now 20 and doing so well. She works a full time on your feet all day job and does horse care and riding every day. I used to feel guilty and that I had somehow caused it, but I know I didn’t, she was just unlucky.

They said it was random

So glad your daughter is doing well

Thank you for all the replies so far I’ve just got to work so won’t be able to reply properly until later especially to the ones who’ve shared your own stories about your children who have been born with health issues thank you for sharing and I hope you and your children are all doing well now.

These replies are giving me a lot of strength thank you. They help sort my mind out

So just one of life's mysteries nothing to do with you?

So a medically trained professional tells you this, but that isn't good enough? Dr Google is more accurate?

Come on OP. This has not been caused by you not taking a few gummy chews that you can buy in Boots. Your kid is now fine. You live in a country where he had access to brilliant medical treatment. He will grow, make friends, start school, get a job, perhaps one day get married and have kids of his own. Are you going to miss all of that because you are so hung up on his birth and early days (a tiny proportion of his life).
Some children have T1 diabetes, inherited from a parent. Do those parents have to hate themselves too?

Please get some MH help or motherhood will not be an enjoyable experience for you.

Folic acid gives you folate which is essential for nervous system development. It has nothing to do with cardiac development so it wouldn’t have prevented a heart defect even if you’d taken it your whole life.

I took preconception vitamins for a year before I got pregnant and my son was born with a congenital lymphatic malformation. Fetal development is complicated and sometimes it goes wrong even when we do everything right. Be kind to yourself, this is not your fault xx

OP, I didn't take pregnancy vitamins for any of my pregnancies. My ob/gyn said they were NOT NECESSARY. You didn't cause this.

My son was born with a heart defect and has ADHD. I also spent many hours and years wracking my brains of things I may have done. I cleaned a pram given to us with cilit bang while pregnant and I didnt wear rubber gloves, was it the coffees I drank as I had a craving for coffee and would have the odd latte, was it the glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant etc. I think these thoughts can eat away at you i actually got intrusive thoughts so often that i spiralled and ended up with PND. I think that the best thing you can do is try and get some mental health support as soon as you can.
Logically, you know that it was nothing you did or didn't do. But these thoughts can fester and getting help is the best thing you can do. I left mine too long as I thought noone would take me seriously, noone could help, I was being stupid and kept it all in my head and ended up in a not good place at all. Please speak to your GP, midwife etc and they can refer you. Don't hold back on how you are feeling and see if you can get a referral. My son and me are doing fine now btw, healthcare for infant heart conditions is pretty amazing.

You didn’t cause this, OP! How did this idea start? I’m sure your DC’s cardiologist could put your mind at rest.

So glad to hear your DC is doing well after the surgery - that’s great news.

Wow I’m not well at the moment 😞 I’ve been awake googling for 2 hours how else I could have caused the heart defect. I think it’s been triggered by Trumps claims this evening.

I had Covid when I was 7 weeks pregnant and now convinced myself that the fever has caused the heart defect. Well I’ve not even convinced myself I just feel so sure that’s what’s happened. And the feeling of regret is horrendous. I know people will say you didn’t actively seek out Covid, but I looked after my friends daughter who had a cold when I knew I was pregnant. Why didn’t I say no 😭😭😭

I contacted my old therapist this week and am seeing them on Thursday I’m also contacting someone who specialises in PTSD. But can anyone help ease my guilt so that I can get some sleep tonight? Anyone medical on here know the links between fever and heart defects? I honestly can’t bear this.

Hi you did not cause the heart defect. It’s super common to have covid or a cold in pregnancy and most babies dont have birth defects. You could never have avoided all infections. I did a quick bit of googling to help and the research doesn’t establish a causal link between fever in pregnancy and any defect. Basically it’s much more likely to have been random chance during heart development or something else. And there’ll never be any way of telling. I’m glad you’re getting some help with your thoughts. Maybe do some grounding techniques?

Thank you for doing that.
I’ve just used ChatGPT to ask what week of gestation each part of the heart forms and the week I got Covid correlates to the week the part of the heart that had the defect was formed. Is it not logical for me to think then that this is likely to have caused it?
I can’t tell if I’m losing the plot

The thing is that you will never know and what does it change if you did accidently or unknowingly caused it?

The question and answer does nothing, it only takes up time in your brain that could be spent enjoying your child, focusing on building up a heart healthy environment for them and thinking about how to help them navigate future visits to the cardiologist.

You are ruminating over something that has no answer, be kinder to yourself and focus on what you can do for your child now.

Well, I knew I was pregnant but the prenatal vitamins made me extremely sick and felt like they were cutting a hole in my stomach. So I stopped taking them. I still took the folic acid but I stopped at 12 weeks as I couldn't handle it anymore. Am I a horrible mother?

We all have our circumstances and do the best we can.

You do need to seek medical help now @Liteflite, this isn't healthy. You're going to suffer more if you don't and ultimately that won't be great for your son. For his sake, please speak to your post natal team and tell them truthfully the extent of your health worries. They will want to help you.

I still feel guilty about my loss and autism and poor eyesight and all the dodgy genes I've inflicted on my dc, but I know it couldn't be helped, and it is what it is. What matters is that your child is getting medical treatment and you are doing your best for him in the circumstances you're in now. And that's truly the main thing, because we can't turn back the clock and do things differently so we have to deal with where we are the best we can.

The doctor said that defect was random. That's just how it is. Nothing you did or didn't do. But you're not accepting this, you need to get help now before it escalates more.