What’s normal? - Warning sex

[Lovemybed101]

Name changed for obvious reasons. There have been a few threads lately that have got me wondering what is normal.

When I was about 18 I had a boyfriend and I’d sleep over at his. I’d probably see him 2-3 times a week. I’d want to have sex maybe on the evening and again in the morning. He hardly ever wanted to have sex and he kept jokingly telling me I was a nymphomaniac. The relationship only lasted about 4 months anyway so that was that. I dumped him and he didn’t seem bothered, no hard feelings.

I met someone else shortly afterwards, we were together for about 2 years and we’d have sex all the time. Probably 4-5 times a week and sometimes several times a day if it was the weekend. Obviously it wasn’t always like that but a lot of the time it was. He was pretty filthy but I’d say we were well matched in that department.

After that I met my now dh (we were both 25) he was definitely not as highly sexed but we’d do it maybe 3-4 times a week but never more than once a day. Dh has never been very forward about instigating sex and fast forward to our early 40s seems fairly happy with a routine of once a week. It doesn’t help having kids around. He doesn’t seem at all fussed about trying anything different. If I encourage him he will flirt and we sometimes do it a bit more but I feel like it’s me leading all the time.

I keep reading about all these sex pest husbands and I wonder.

1. Have I just got a very high sex drive for a woman
2. Do first boyfriend and my dh just not fancy me very much
3. Is it simply a case of everyone having a different sex drive

Option 3.

Three.

Plus we are all different creatures and are never the same sexual being with all of our partners - we’re chameleonic, depending on variables like our ages, the type of relationship we are involved in, stages of life, work/homelife patterns, etc.

Definitely option 3.

If I encourage him he will flirt and we sometimes do it a bit more but I feel like it’s me leading all the time.

I think the problem is that if you're the partner with the higher sex drive then realistically it is likely to be you starting things more often, because your DH probably still feels like you only just had sex even if it was a couple of days ago.

Yes I think that’s hard for me to get my head round because all I ever read on here is men wanting sex all the time.

Society tells us that men are all highly sexed but that hasn’t been my experience at all.

Yep society portrays one thing, which in my experience has been the opposite 🤷🏼‍♀️

I regularly had sex daily or multiple times a day throughout my late teens and all through my twenties. Then from my thirties onwards all sorts of things (life!) got in the way of that, which I expected and accept. It wouldn’t occur to me to count now because in my case the number of times isn’t really what matters and isn’t a benchmark for the rest of the relationship.

I feel like this too; it’s made out that men are always wanting sex and when you find yourself as the one wanting it more it can be quite hard

If he wants to have sex with you regularly then he definitely fancies you. But once a week is pretty low, and suggests his sex drive doesn't match yours. It's nobody's fault.

I feel like it's option 1 and 3. In my experience it's more likely to be the man who has the higher sex drive but of course that's not always the case

Do you masturbate ? Your high sex drive isn’t really your partners responsibility.

I don’t think once a week in your 40s is low? I’d say that’s pretty standard (from my anecdotal experience from talking to a couple of other friends about it!)

Is it a high sex drive though?

That’s why I’m asking.

Men are supposed to all be sex mad but that hasn’t been my experience at all.

From what you have described, it does sound as though your sex drive is high.

If you take the average amount couples have sex, which is apparently around 53 times a year, so effectively once a week, then your sex drive definitely would be regarded as high.

I do know what you're saying about it being portrayed as men always wanting it though, and that in turn has an effect on a woman's self-esteem at times, even though really it shouldn't as everyone is different.

No.
No.
Yes.

Option 3, but also it changes I find partner to partner, and with age. In my younger years I generally wanted to have sex all the time and really fancied my bfs. I am now in early 40s and honestly once or twice a week is enough - with a full time job, housework, young children etc etc, I just cba!

Men tend to think they've got a high sex drive until they find a woman who actually has one.

Source: I am one of those men.

I've been with DP around 20 years. We did the usual thing of having sex all the time when we first got together, and then it slowly dropped off, and then sharply dropped off when DD appeared.

So for most of our relationship we've probably only had sex about once a week on average. Which for me isn't really as much as I'd like, but is a compromise I'll happily live with because the only alternative would be leaving DP, and I love DP.

If you'd asked, I'd probably have said I wanted it around 5 times a week?

Last year, DP hit peri-menopause, and it has sent her sex drive into overdrive. And do you know what, I cannot fucking keep up. We're hitting five times a week no problem, and you know what, I'd be perfectly happy cutting that number down to 2 - 3 times a week. I won't though, because it makes DP happy, and who knows how long this will last. I'll be kicking myself in a couple of years if her normal sex-drive reasserts myself and I didn't take full advantage when I could.

So from my own personal anecdotal evidence, I don't think men necessarily want sex ALL the time. I think they generally want more sex than the women they're with does, but when they meet someone with a truly high sex drive, we really struggle to cope!

Ye have mismatched sex drives, yours is not particularly high imo.

1 and 3, I would say.

In my opinion your sex drive is high.

It's number three.

In the case of your first boyfriend, was he around the same age as you? It's certainly unusual for an 18-year-old boy to have a low sex drive, but I doubt it was a case of him not fancying you. I suspect perhaps it was a case of him not truly fancying women at all, to be honest. Or having very low testosterone.

In the case of your DH, my guess is that you just have a different level of libido and that maybe your sexual interests are slightly mismatched.

I find Mumsnet really tends to propagate the notion that men are constantly up for it and 'pestering' partners for sex while women only want it occasionally and see it as a bit of a chore. Mumsnet also often seems to think that it's only men who have kinks, only men who are turned on by watching porn, only men who like talking dirty - etc etc. This simply isn't a universal truth. Plenty of women like all these things, and more. Plenty of men are quite straight-laced.

One of my exes had a much lower libido than me in terms of frequency of sex, and was also turned off (or outright threatened/appalled) by some of things I like in bed. He basically thought that women who like anything even remotely outside the realms of gentle, romantic sex, with no words spoken other than the occasional 'Oh yes, yes' of approval, were somehow abnormal. He essentially wanted a shy, blushing bride type. (Interestingly, he was also a violent abuser, which rather counteracts the other popular Mumsnet myth which is that men are sexually adventurous/kinky/whatever are the ones who hate women.)

My current partner, who I've been with for 22 years, definitely wants sex less often than I do these days... but he is tremendously appreciative of the fact that I'm absolutely filthy in bed and we're pretty well matched when it comes to the things we like doing.

I think it's probably quite high, but that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Just because it's high, that doesn't mean it's not normal! And while it's maybe a bit higher than average, it doesn't sound hugely high.

I’ve found the same although all my friend’s DH’s seem to want sex all the time.

I wouldn't say your sex drive is unusually high. Healthy and on the higher side, yes. I'm like you, I like regular sex and also masturbate most days alongside. I just get the the urge to do it and need it. I've had experience of one or two men in my past having a lower drive than me but they were the anomaly. My DH's libido matches mine.

I feel like it's a combination. Life is busy, if I feel stressed with work, when I get into bed I want to relax and sleep not get down to it 😴 7 years ago we'd been at it for hours, now it's a quick how's your father every other week. My partner is fit and I fancy him like crazy so it's nothing to do with love or attraction I just cba lol

Men talk as if they are rabid beasts needing sex. This isn’t true. Think about the fuss they make about football! They make a lot of noise about nothing much.

Women have the potential to be multi orgasmic and constantly horny, but most men find that runs very contrary to how they want to see women. They want to conquer the unwilling maiden and/or get a quick leg over and back to the footie.

I think female sexuality is very very different to male sexuality. So I think , op, you have a more complex, variable, potentially banquet of a sexuality.. and most men - maybe your husband included - want a quick curry.

it becomes more evident as we age.. younger blokes can get it on more often, hormones raging.

This is just reductive stereotyping, right down to the 'oh, silly men and their silly football', and that kind of stereotyping is as bad for women as it is for men.