What’s normal? - Warning sex

[Lovemybed101]

Name changed for obvious reasons. There have been a few threads lately that have got me wondering what is normal.

When I was about 18 I had a boyfriend and I’d sleep over at his. I’d probably see him 2-3 times a week. I’d want to have sex maybe on the evening and again in the morning. He hardly ever wanted to have sex and he kept jokingly telling me I was a nymphomaniac. The relationship only lasted about 4 months anyway so that was that. I dumped him and he didn’t seem bothered, no hard feelings.

I met someone else shortly afterwards, we were together for about 2 years and we’d have sex all the time. Probably 4-5 times a week and sometimes several times a day if it was the weekend. Obviously it wasn’t always like that but a lot of the time it was. He was pretty filthy but I’d say we were well matched in that department.

After that I met my now dh (we were both 25) he was definitely not as highly sexed but we’d do it maybe 3-4 times a week but never more than once a day. Dh has never been very forward about instigating sex and fast forward to our early 40s seems fairly happy with a routine of once a week. It doesn’t help having kids around. He doesn’t seem at all fussed about trying anything different. If I encourage him he will flirt and we sometimes do it a bit more but I feel like it’s me leading all the time.

I keep reading about all these sex pest husbands and I wonder.

1. Have I just got a very high sex drive for a woman
2. Do first boyfriend and my dh just not fancy me very much
3. Is it simply a case of everyone having a different sex drive

Men are supposed to all be sex mad but that hasn’t been my experience at all.

This is the problem OP, you are probably spending too much time on MN! There is no set thing for men and women just general patterns. Saying men want sex all the time is the equivalent of saying women will lose interest in sex once they have children. These silly generalisations only make things more difficult for everyone

Try leading less and see if he starts initiating more. If someone is very full on about sex a lot of the time it can be off putting to the other person and reduce their sex drive. Then you get stuck in a particular dynamic where one is always doing the running. Try to step back to make some space for him to fill.

What part of what I Said is reductive?

I dont mind stereotyping, it usually very helpful phenotyping. As this is a chat forum I don’t intend to write like a lawyer with addendums and detailed disclaimers. stereotyping is fine, it’s a form of verbal shorthand between people that share the same culture.

Option 3.

But it’s also dependent on the relationship. The boyfriend I had when I was 26/27 I was crazy about - I fancied him so so much and consequently we had a very active sex life, multiple times a day etc. Based on that relationship I have a high sex drive. Fast forward to my early 30s and I’m in a relationship with exDP whom I lost all sexual attraction to part-way through the relationship. We ended up averaging once a fortnight as I forced myself to have sex with him to keep the peace. Based on this relationship I had a very low sex drive (or zero, in reality - he killed my sex drive dead).

i’m presuming that when you have sex it’s really good, and that’s why you love it so much? I reckon some women aren’t that fussed about constant sex because it’s not always particularly satisfying for them, and so just becomes another chore. Some men are pretty average at making sure their partner has the best time shall we say

Is once a week low? . I’m very happy with my sex live and it’s probably once a week. Maybe I need to evaluate 🙈

It depends. It’s never bad but there are times we’d be dtd in absolute silence due to older kids in the house, asleep, but you’re always scared of them waking up. I always orgasm, we have a bit of a boring standard routine, but it’s still enjoyable.

I just love the closeness, the release, it doesn’t need to be amazing.

Obviously pre children and when the children were small it was more adventurous. When we have a free house it’s of course wonderful.

My ex was very adventurous and we had I suppose very kinky sex, we were probably well suited sexually but terrible in other ways.

Dh is more of a creature of habit let’s just say.

I don’t think I’d put up with sex where I wasn’t at least having an orgasm.

Is that not typical? Woman goes first then the man?

Not always. DP had never had an orgasm, either by herself or with a partner, until peri-menopause.

Part of the reason her sex drive is, as previously mentioned, so bloody high now!

It's option 2 I'm afraid

Yes. If the man couldn't be bothered to bring me to orgasm I wouldn't be doing it with him again 😁.

To answer your original question, in my experience many men enjoy the chase more than the actual deed, and good lovers are hard to find. Certainly both my first and second husbands wanted it every day .... until we were married - and then they lost interest 😣

1. Not really, sounds like normal/average
2. Who knows. They both sound pretty low key
3. Yes.

Option 3

I wish i was having sex as much as you, my partner recently turned 41 and i'm lucky if we have sex once a quarter.

Option 3. Everyone has different sex drives. But in my experience if you like sex as a woman it can often be disappointing when you’re dating, because we’re raised with the stereotype of the man always wanting sex when the reality is that some men are happy with once every few weeks and other men want it once a day!

There’s nothing wrong with you at all. I think some men who have lower sex drives but don’t realise this can feel emasculated by a partner who has a higher sex drive than them, because they “should” be the one with it. Thus the rather disappointing “nymphomaniac” comments.