Can’t cope with elderly dad

[NotCopingWithElderlyDad]

Posting here for traffic.

I just can’t cope with my elderly dad, and my sibling is at their wits end too.

Dad, late 80’s is very, very fit and healthy. They are on their own now having been widowed for the 2nd time about 3 years ago. However, they have a very active social life. They are out nearly every day with friends, their hobbies, our family (their first family) and his adopted (step family). They go out for lunch, coffees, dinners, days away. He’s got friends, neighbours, strangers, his kids, his middle age GC, my mother’s family, and his step kids running round after him.

Even though he’s got a full social life, he felt lonely as he didn’t have a partner. That changed about 4 months ago when he met someone.

Here’s where the drama starts. My dad is now saying he doesn’t want to go out with anyone “old”. The misogyny is OFF the scale. He’s saying he doesn’t like women who have wrinkles or look older, despite the fact this woman has really helped him out over the past few months. I’m disgusted with his comments. It turns out he has about 3 women he’s texting, meeting and playing off against each other. He’s a total misogynist.

WRT his social life. Have you ever seen a nearly 90 year old man with a schedule like that? Yet, all he does is complain that he’s not spoken to anyone.

He goes to the GP and complains of loneliness. In the end the GP referred them to social services based on what he said, but declined their visit.

He talks to people in shops and in the street, tells them he’s lonely and not spoken to anyone in weeks, exchanges numbers and they call him to see if he is ok.

If you call him, his landline is ringing off the hook at the same time.

On Christmas Day I called him (he declined my invite for a step child’s, he had 3 offers) and whilst on the phone some woman called on his landline and I could hear her say “oh, I hate to think of you being alone today. Are you OK?”

Last week some woman half his age in a shop he’d spoken to, called him up to make sure he was ok, and asked him for a drink. He’d obviously offloaded to her.

I mean, what is he saying to these people?

I am at a loss at how I am meant to deal with him. Before anyone asks, we don’t think he has dementia. Just a case of massively being self indulged.

He’s driving us insane. All he does is complain down the phone to us and we are at our wits end with him.

Why do you call him 'they'?

Maybe take a step back from it all? Nod and smile and all that.

I agree with @TickyandTacky, just nod and smile.

My Dad (87) says all sorts of things that I don’t agree with but I’ve accepted that at his age, he’s not going to change so I let it wash over me. He’s also been widowed twice and is on the lookout for a new partner. He was friendly with someone last year but it fizzled out. She probably got fed up with him. 😂
One of his friends (92) has three ladies running around after him!

At least your Dad is healthy, mine isn’t in such good shape, unfortunately. He likes a good moan too.

Greetings, yes I completely comprehend & empathise with your circumstances surrounding your dad
God Bless You
Seems pretty obvious he's loving the sympathy & attention he's presently receiving, by telling his fabricated versions of the truth
He's playing on folks good nature & conveniently deceiving others into feeling sorry for him
I had an older male friend whom openly admitted he didn't wish to date women even of the age of 40 despite him being closer to 70 at the time
I'm not sure how to handle it, but I'd most surely put others straight, tell them the truth of his circumstances, & not permit him to make you look wrongfully bad
You're a good daughter
Wishing you all the utmost best 🙏

That was so confusing to read. Why do you keep referring to him as ‘they’?

He really won’t change. Let the complaints wash over you. Some people really enjoy wallowing, whether justified or no. He’s never really lonely so you needn’t let it affect you.

If it were my dad I would be concerned too - mainly because, in my opinion, he is laying himself open to be taken advantage of.

But speaking as an outsider, if you are happy he is not in the early stages of dementia or something similar, then he can live his life however he wants, even if you personally don't like it.

I would say decide now what level of contact you are happy with, whether that be phoning once a day or once a week etc , and stick to it for the time being.

If he says he is lonely, point out that he has a better social life than you do.

Step back and let it take its course, you can always step up again.

Smile and nod, smile and nod. My mum often talks absolute rubbish and it's exhausting. I have fallen back on smiling and nodding.

Yes, I need to let it wash over me.

I find that more and more I dislike him. It’s like as if at his age, he is no longer able to mask his behaviour.

Some of the things he says are awful. Such as “old women have lines in their lips and I don’t like it”, “they are wrinkly” and “I saw them in the light and their makeup covered up a lot. They aren’t as nice as I thought”.

My dad is 3 stone overweight, wears dentures and is bald. He’s fit and healthy but he’s not George Clooney.

So, a woman’s worth is her youth and beauty.

I just find this deep rooted misogyny, that he’s no longer able to hide in public - utterly appalling.

A couple of years ago, my Dad asked a lady out (she declined) whom he knew through a shared activity.

I met her last year, she’s perhaps late 50’s so a few years older than me. No wonder she’s not interested in an octogenarian. 😂

I’d be asking him to look in the mirror…
’Dad , ha ha , you’re no Burt Reynolds anymore….. you’re not exactly going to pull Kylie Minogue ( yes I know she’s 60 but you get the gist).
You say you’re lonely so what you want is a nice widow for companionship’
Then start talking about the weather.
Just let him get on with it ….
One friend of mine had a Dad slightly similar, though he certainly wasn’t lonely, and he was actually quite lovely. But on a Saturday afternoon, every week, his groupies (3 elderly widows) would turn up for dinks - her 90 year old dad was a whiskey drinker.
He really was the merry widower
Mind you by 3.30 they were all snoring their heads off.

Yes I don't believe it's that he's unable to mask,,, his honest thoughts
I believe he just feels he's entitled to be rude now he's a of a certain age
Of course I could be completely incorrect - It's just that this is the experience I've had with my own father & oftentimes he boldly states "I'm 86 years of age, I'm damn well entitled"
Age doesn't give them a free ticket to be insulting - But some, sadly, presume it does!

Does he identify as male, is there a reason you’ve refer to him as they? Is that his preferred pronoun? If so he does seem a bit attention seeking.

OP uses "him" throughout.

‘Oh right’ is useful, ‘mmm’ is another.

Id just disengage when he talks like this. Or you’re allowed to just say ‘very depressing to hear you be so unpleasant Dad. Speak to you next week.’

I’m not sorry to say this. By the end of his life there were very few subjects I was willing to talk to my dad about, though he was nothing like this bad. I stayed in touch, that was about it. It was sometimes fun talking about current affairs, we could have a good rant about a few politicians. But I certainly wasn’t going to engage when he was being rude about his female bridge partners.

i think as people get older they lose their filter, my grandfather who was an extremely kind and religious man, who would help anyone, started coming comments you wouldn't expect. I think most is pretty harmless and just ignored the comments.

Perhaps revert to the late Queen Elizabeth 11's response to the people who were rude to her "How interesting!" and glide smoothly onwards...

Posting here for traffic.
I just can’t cope with my elderly dad, and my sibling is at their wits end too.
Dad, late 80’s is very, very fit and healthy. They are on their own now having been widowed for the 2nd time about 3 years ago. However, they have a very active social life. They are out nearly every day with friends, their hobbies, our family (their first family) and his adopted (step family). They go out for lunch, coffees, dinners, days away.

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The above quote is from the opening post - They was used ’They’ 4 times , then went on to ‘he’
I was confused too

No she doesn't. If you're going to bother quoting me to correct me, at least re-read it to check.

Not sure why I used “they”. I think it’s creeped into my vocab as I have to use it at work a lot.

Also, sadly, I think I’m trying to take a step back from him, as he’s really affecting my life and I think “they” make me feel a bit more distant.

At the end of the day, hes my dad, and I love him. His pity party makes me upset and guilty and I feel bad that I’m backing off.

He also lives in a massive house, with a big garden, and he can’t keep it clean. It’s packed to the brim with things he’s bought. He moans about how he can’t deal with it, but refuses to move somewhere smaller.

I could go into how he moved on immediately after my mother tragically died and had little to do with his blood kids, but that’s a whole other thread.

I wouldn’t pick to be friends with my DF if I had any choice. He is racist and misogynistic.
I would stop indulging your DF in this nonsense, begin with being light hearted, but if that doesn’t work I would just say “Dad you are being offensive and I don’t want to hear about your love life”. If that doesn’t work, cut back on the calls and/or change the topic the minute he starts discussing his conquests.

The good news is it doesn’t appear as if you are currently required to do much heavy lifting in terms of doctors appointments etc. So I would just enjoy not having to do that, because believe me if you do it’s horrible and relentless and just try to mentally file your DF under someone you ring/speak to for duty so you feel you have done the right thing as an adult DC.

Your Dad knows full well that he isn't lonely, and is using his age to gain attention and sympathy from strangers - probably all mostly women, I bet! He has his 'patter' down to a tee. As for telling you, and the rest of the family he's lonely, you need to call him out on it. 'Oh Dad, don't talk nonsense, you have a very full social life, and multiple women fussing around you'. As for what he's telling people, you can't control what he's saying, and I agree it's not very nice to lie about his family and situation. He's spinning these people, a right old yarn.

I think you don't like him very much and his actions / opinions etc are giving you the ick .
That's ok , you are not dutybound to hang into everything he says or does.
Pull back from knowing his daily going on's .
Let him live his life , if he tells you how lonely he is , just tell him that's not quite the truth and change the subject .

You and your siblings need to pull back massively and be far less available. He sounds like an unpleasant man who saps everyone's energy and tells lies to make people feel sorry for him. You have no obligation to a father who abandoned you when he re married. It sounds as if he doesn't care about his children but is happy to use you when he is feeling bored or lonely. Just leave him to get on with his own life and hopefully you can enjoy yours more as a result.

If he rings you to moan, say you're busy and cut him short. He sounds completely selfish so you don't owe him any more of your precious time. Sounds like he has plenty of people running around after him, so you could visit less too.
Men's brains can shrink dramatically as they get older so if they were selfish to start with they get even worse.

Oh just tell him he's a sexist pig. He will carry on regardless but you'll feel better for getting it off your chest.

Honestly OP, it’s not worth worrying about the house. My parents were the same - absolutely nothing you say will make the slightest difference, and if he wanted to change it, he would. Your dad sounds like he just enjoys complaining and feeling hard done by, because there’s a payoff for him - people feel sorry for him and go out of their way for him, so it works! He has no incentive to change. The only thing you can control is your reaction to it. Don’t let the complaining and negativity affect you - let it wash over you.