Can’t cope with elderly dad

[NotCopingWithElderlyDad]

Posting here for traffic.

I just can’t cope with my elderly dad, and my sibling is at their wits end too.

Dad, late 80’s is very, very fit and healthy. They are on their own now having been widowed for the 2nd time about 3 years ago. However, they have a very active social life. They are out nearly every day with friends, their hobbies, our family (their first family) and his adopted (step family). They go out for lunch, coffees, dinners, days away. He’s got friends, neighbours, strangers, his kids, his middle age GC, my mother’s family, and his step kids running round after him.

Even though he’s got a full social life, he felt lonely as he didn’t have a partner. That changed about 4 months ago when he met someone.

Here’s where the drama starts. My dad is now saying he doesn’t want to go out with anyone “old”. The misogyny is OFF the scale. He’s saying he doesn’t like women who have wrinkles or look older, despite the fact this woman has really helped him out over the past few months. I’m disgusted with his comments. It turns out he has about 3 women he’s texting, meeting and playing off against each other. He’s a total misogynist.

WRT his social life. Have you ever seen a nearly 90 year old man with a schedule like that? Yet, all he does is complain that he’s not spoken to anyone.

He goes to the GP and complains of loneliness. In the end the GP referred them to social services based on what he said, but declined their visit.

He talks to people in shops and in the street, tells them he’s lonely and not spoken to anyone in weeks, exchanges numbers and they call him to see if he is ok.

If you call him, his landline is ringing off the hook at the same time.

On Christmas Day I called him (he declined my invite for a step child’s, he had 3 offers) and whilst on the phone some woman called on his landline and I could hear her say “oh, I hate to think of you being alone today. Are you OK?”

Last week some woman half his age in a shop he’d spoken to, called him up to make sure he was ok, and asked him for a drink. He’d obviously offloaded to her.

I mean, what is he saying to these people?

I am at a loss at how I am meant to deal with him. Before anyone asks, we don’t think he has dementia. Just a case of massively being self indulged.

He’s driving us insane. All he does is complain down the phone to us and we are at our wits end with him.

Yup I'm in the smiling and nodding camp too.

👌

He sounds bloody awful tbh. could you just let him get with it and go low contact? Or let him know that it is upsetting that he lies to everyone and he is never lonely he’s attention seeking, rude and arrogant. I would call him out on his behaviour when he says nasty stuff about women. Honestly just say dad your no super model and your disrespectful to women and he will end up being really lonely if he carries on.

Yes, completely concur with you
I feel, at some stage, I'd also, most surely need to call him out, on his distorted version of events - His rudeness & insults too
Aside from being disrespectful, this type of behaviour, can slander /blacken someone's name too
Completely unacceptable 😔

I’d wonder if some of this is an onset of dementia- loosing a social filter and displaying compulsive behaviours, often sexual, can be one of the signs. Was he always like this or it’s a new behaviour for him?

“So, a woman’s worth is her youth and beauty. I just find this deep rooted misogyny, that he’s no longer able to hide in public - utterly appalling.”

Do you ever pull him up on these kind of comments and talk about how other people actually see him. Explain misogyny to him and tell him it’s not acceptable.

Do you ever speak to him about his attention seeking behaviours? Perhaps point out how unattractive that comes across too and that you’d take lip lines over manipulation any day of the week.

I feel like you’ve all been letting him get away with this behaviour from the way you’ve worded your post… If no one is pulling him up and explaining his behaviour is totally unacceptable, why is he going to change?

This the bit these men block out 😂

With kindness I don't know why you're giving this as much head space as you are. He's not lonely or infirm, but he does sound exhausting, a bit unpleasant and prone to attention seeking. Many man, especially of that generation simply see women as objects to serve their needs. The fact he moved on so quickly from your mum must have been very upsetting. Despite this you sound as though you've been a "good" daughter, whatever the hell that means. Not sure i could forgive that kind of behaviour. Cut yourself some slack and stop bothering so much about it all. He'll be absolutely fine.

Do you challenge him on his misogynistic views? You should tell him that he's hardly God's gift to women. Bald, overweight and with dentures would be a deal-breaker for most women. Are these women showing a romantic interest in him or are they just being kind because he is lying about how lonely he is?

You shouldn't feel guilty. My dad re-married really quickly after my mum died and he hardly bothered with me and my kids as it was all about my step-mother's kids and grandkids. I stopped bothering and caring.

His behaviour is unacceptable and, considering that he pretty much dropped you after he re-married, you don't owe him your time or support.

During lockdown mil telling everyone how lonely she was, dropped everything to visit her and she listed off everything she had done that week and the people she had seen.

Felt like a mug. We both had full-time jobs and were home educating kids (COVID times). Utterly stressed and practically no social at life.

Reminds me 😂

The person who said tell him to look in the mirror got it right.

Dad you are not young yourself, you are not attractive to women without wrinkles (or whatever his latest complaint is). So match your standards to your looks or stop looking.

Encourage him to have a cleaner.

It's perfectly possible to be lonely and surrounded by people simultaneously.

My MIL is the same, constantly out, on holiday, coffee, lunch etc. what she really wants is someone to share her life with, someone to discuss which set of shelves to buy or which route to take to the pub, someone to have breakfast with every day. All she ever talks about is 'well it's easy for you, you have x' ' well it's hard when your on your own' etc etc.

DF may well be getting plenty of attention from acting like this which might give him an ego boost, but it's ultimately shallow and hollow.

He might just an arse too...could be both.

There is a possibility that he is lonely. Whether he is or not, he is definitely an arse. Loneliness certainly doesn't excuse his rude and misogynistic remarks about the physical appearance of the women that he meets, particularly as he is definitely no Adonis, being 3 stone overweight, bald and wearing dentures. He sounds physically repulsive but, like a lot of really unattractive men, he still thinks that he is God's gift to women.

I don’t doubt that he’s lonely. I just don’t see what I can do about it?

When I lived at home he used to leave me alone all day whilst he courted wife no.2. He once left me on my own from 0900 to 10pm on Christmas Day and I was dreadfully upset. Even when I was there, he doesn’t really want my company so why do I feel guilt?

Given that he has the social life of a fresher, I don’t think that needs improving. He’s lonely because he doesn’t have a partner. Well, he was going out with someone but now he’s decided “she’s not as good looking as he thought. He’s seen her in the light, and it’s all makeup”. I wouldn’t mind but this woman has gone out of her way to do things for him for months. She sounds lovely.

We invite him over. I asked him to come stay this weekend as he was down and he said no. We always have to phone him, he never phones us. I’ve been busy and not called him since the weekend and when I do I’ll be told “no one has called me, I’ve spoken to no one for days and days”. Oh except for his friends, my siblings, his neighbours, his activity that he does on a Monday and the other one on a Tuesday and the 3 women he’s texting/ going round for coffee/ popping over to see.

I’m also cross that he just can’t see how lucky he is. 2 long marriages, loads of DC, DGC and GreatDGC. He’s never been ill beyond a cold. He has had the privilege of a very healthy life with loads of people in it.

This summer, 2 of my friends DH’s died in their early 50’s.

My sibling said I worry about it more than them because I’m a woman and I’m nice.

You seem to think you can fix an unpleasant, self absorbed, sexist old man who abandoned you when you needed him as a child. You can't.
You worry about the situation because you have taken on the role of the rescuer within the family, the one who is always expected to provide emotional support to others, while receiving none yourself. It's not a healthy role to be in, not for you or your family. Does he ask you about your life, job, children, etc or is everything about him? I suspect I know the answer.
It would be helpful to you to pull back and discuss the situation with a good therapist. You do not need to be his shoulder to cry on when he has not been there for you.

As Mel Robbins would say, Let Him
Let him be a misogynistic moaner.
But you don't have to listen to it. Change the subject, tell him you're not listening to that talk anymore, end the conversation if you need to.
And let other people think what they like about him.
https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-let-them-theory/mel-robbins/sawyer-robbins/9781788176187
(promise I'm not in commission, wish I was!)

No she didn’t!

Love how some people's first focus is on OPs use of "they" 😂

Maybe stop being so nice? Sounds like he needs a reality check (and a long hard look in the mirror at his own wizened visage!)

When I read your OP I thought you could have been writing about my FIL.

He's anything but lonely, but will complain to all and sundry that he is so lonely, gain sympathy (usually from much younger, beautiful women), spin a sob story about how he can't live without a woman in his life, his wife has died etc.

I just think what goes on through his head? He will insult women he doesn't think are attractive enough yet there he is stood like a 5 foot tall garden gnome with a beer belly.

I wondered that too.. who are 'they ' ?
Has he got a partner ? Is it just him ?

I’m like this but I would try and remember he’s a grown man and is acting like a stroppy teenager he doesn’t sound like he was the greatest dad tbh. I can’t imagine how you felt all alone with n Xmas day. He’s very selfish and he’s playing you. It sounds like you try and he throws it back in your face you have your own life so you need to remind him he’s has plenty of family and they all love him but if he’s missing a girlfriend that is his problem not yours.

I absolutely agree. I don't understand why OP is bending over backwards to pander to this selfish, uncaring and rude old man. He left his own child alone for the whole of Christmas Day! What sort of parent does that? He obviously doesn't appreciate anything that OP does for him so she might as well stop bothering.