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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re way we manage the household and spend our time ?

33 replies

GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 10:21

Hi, I have name changed for this one. I’ll keep it brief but DH and I are mid 30s no children. He works in London during the week and I work from home and from the office one day per week. I’ve been having some health issues recently and I’ve been unwell this week.

I feel I am the one who maintains our house and does all of the cleaning and majority of the decisions re food, meals. I do the food shopping. Yesterday I felt restless as been stuck in and wanted to go out for a walk. DH said no. He is rigid and likes one day off at the weekend where he literally stays in “to rest” which involves video games, watching YouTube and then one day where he’ll do house chores.

Would this set up work for you? BTW he is not available at all during the week to do anything. AIBU to feel this is unfair, rigid and also pretty dull and boring as a partner.

OP posts:
FurForksSake · 07/09/2025 10:24

God no, have a serious conversation or a divorce.

also, go out! Do things, get a life and hobbies and walks and be your own person.

Overthebow · 07/09/2025 10:25

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you aren’t compatible. Your DH is not being unreasonable for wanting to spend his free time the way he wants, but it’s obviously not what you want (and I wouldn’t like it either).

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 07/09/2025 10:25

To be fair, if it's just you in the house all week, how much cleaning and housework is there to do? He sounds ridiculously rigid and rather childish. What's he like on the day you ARE allowed to do things together?

Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 10:27

FurForksSake · 07/09/2025 10:24

God no, have a serious conversation or a divorce.

also, go out! Do things, get a life and hobbies and walks and be your own person.

I do, I just haven’t been able to this week as I’ve been unwell. I’m going out for brunch shortly with a friend, and then I think I’ll try to go to the gym or walk the dogs.

OP posts:
Easyozy · 07/09/2025 10:27

That does sound incredibly dull for someone child free in their 30's. My friends in their 60's still have very busy social lives, travelling, going to gigs etc. Life is too short to stay at home all the time.

Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 10:27

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 07/09/2025 10:25

To be fair, if it's just you in the house all week, how much cleaning and housework is there to do? He sounds ridiculously rigid and rather childish. What's he like on the day you ARE allowed to do things together?

We have pets, so it can get a little messy. But I hear what you’re saying. I am pretty on top of it to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 10:29

Easyozy · 07/09/2025 10:27

That does sound incredibly dull for someone child free in their 30's. My friends in their 60's still have very busy social lives, travelling, going to gigs etc. Life is too short to stay at home all the time.

We have plans coming up .. comedy gig, weddings, gigs, theatre. It’s more day to day and during the week when we are plans free if that makes sense. I might take myself for a cinema date this week! It’s difficult when you’re not feeling 100% I guess I’m looking for some more support, understanding and adjustment from him

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 07/09/2025 10:30

That doesn’t sound sustainable. Can one of you find a different job so you’re together all week?

cinnamonbunlover · 07/09/2025 10:40

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 07/09/2025 10:25

To be fair, if it's just you in the house all week, how much cleaning and housework is there to do? He sounds ridiculously rigid and rather childish. What's he like on the day you ARE allowed to do things together?

Houses still need to be cleaned and maintained if there is “just” two people there.

I’m the same OP. It feels endless sometimes days (just me and DH)

DH equally rigid but has a different schedule- shopping, running, market, football. All to a schedule is so bloody boring. He will “help” when he has time.

although he does daily dog walks, food shop and most meals.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/09/2025 10:50

I'm confused, he said no to the walk as in you couldn't go? Or you are upset he didn't want to come with you? Because he works in London, it makes sense that he likes to have one day where he can just stay in and rest. And because you work from home, it makes sense that you felt restless and wanted to get out of the house for a bit too.

Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 10:51

cinnamonbunlover · 07/09/2025 10:40

Houses still need to be cleaned and maintained if there is “just” two people there.

I’m the same OP. It feels endless sometimes days (just me and DH)

DH equally rigid but has a different schedule- shopping, running, market, football. All to a schedule is so bloody boring. He will “help” when he has time.

although he does daily dog walks, food shop and most meals.

Show quote history

That’s good. I do like some structure. Problem is he leaves all decisions to me like the food shopping and meals. Feel like if it was up to him he would just like to be sat at home doing his own thing

OP posts:
basinbasin · 07/09/2025 11:02

What's the context of his commute & job?

basinbasin · 07/09/2025 11:04

Because he works in London, it makes sense that he likes to have one day where he can just stay in and rest. And because you work from home, it makes sense that you felt restless and wanted to get out of the house for a bit too.

agree

TidyDancer · 07/09/2025 11:14

Eenameenadeeka · 07/09/2025 10:50

I'm confused, he said no to the walk as in you couldn't go? Or you are upset he didn't want to come with you? Because he works in London, it makes sense that he likes to have one day where he can just stay in and rest. And because you work from home, it makes sense that you felt restless and wanted to get out of the house for a bit too.

That’s what I was wondering as well. I’m not that clear on why you couldn’t go out OP? Was he stopping you? In which case YANBU but if he just didn’t want to then it’s different. I work more than full time hours with a commute on top and I like a day at the weekend where I don’t have to do anything or I’m then exhausted before I’ve even started the next week. That day is not lazy, it’s necessary.

Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 13:47

Eenameenadeeka · 07/09/2025 10:50

I'm confused, he said no to the walk as in you couldn't go? Or you are upset he didn't want to come with you? Because he works in London, it makes sense that he likes to have one day where he can just stay in and rest. And because you work from home, it makes sense that you felt restless and wanted to get out of the house for a bit too.

Upset that he didn’t want to come with me. I’m at home on my own most of the week, my job is v isolating. Yeah, it’s totally understandable and makes sense. We need some compromise!

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 07/09/2025 13:48

I can still go on walks and I do, but I find I’m doing them on my own! We are doing a 10 mile walk in London for charity on Friday so I’m happy about that! Get some time together!

OP posts:
SmallChild · 07/09/2025 13:52

Is he perhaps autistic so needs some down time. I am and although I love my friends and know it's healthy to have them at times I find company exhausting. I get how you feel though. Rejected etc would he be open to a chat.

SmallChild · 07/09/2025 13:57

Also OP dont feel bad for having a social life. I actively push my DH to go out with his friends as I am just a lot less sociable. I enjoy it, but find it draining, sorry if that sounds rude to my friends who I love dearly

Onthebusses · 07/09/2025 13:59

What's the point in this? What are you working towards? What do you want from life? How does he fit into that?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 07/09/2025 14:07

The issue seems to be that you're home alone all day with no human company, whereas your DH is out all day in a busy city and needs some quiet time.

Can you work from the office more, or arrange to do something social after work with friends?

Blissker · 07/09/2025 14:12

SmallChild · 07/09/2025 13:52

Is he perhaps autistic so needs some down time. I am and although I love my friends and know it's healthy to have them at times I find company exhausting. I get how you feel though. Rejected etc would he be open to a chat.

I don't think you need to be autistic to need a quiet day after commuting into London all week. The commute alone is very "peopley" and then if you're "on" all day at work... it's long days and a massive proportion of your entire waking hours all week.

I agree the issue is you have different experiences in your weeks so you need different things from your leisure time.

I wonder if you could look into a walking club during the week or something.

Coconutter24 · 07/09/2025 14:45

SmallChild · 07/09/2025 13:52

Is he perhaps autistic so needs some down time. I am and although I love my friends and know it's healthy to have them at times I find company exhausting. I get how you feel though. Rejected etc would he be open to a chat.

I’m not autistic and find I need one weekend day after a busy week at work to relax and chill. Life can be exhausting sometimes.

Original poster
GimmieABreakOr3 · 10/09/2025 08:51

But does the one day at the weekend really need to consist of rotting in front of the tv all day? I don’t find that healthy. There’s such a concept as pacing and balance.

OP posts:
SquaredPaper · 10/09/2025 08:56

GimmieABreakOr3 · 10/09/2025 08:51

But does the one day at the weekend really need to consist of rotting in front of the tv all day? I don’t find that healthy. There’s such a concept as pacing and balance.

But he’s been doing a peoole-filled commute to a presumably peoole-filled office all week. On Saturday he just doesn’t want to see anyone or do anything. It’s not unreasonable, it’s just incompatible with someone who’s been alone all week and want to do stuff.

Dramallamafromyork · 10/09/2025 09:05

You seem to have married a teenage boy. Grim. I’m leave. I couldn’t respect anyone who lived like this. Computer games in their 30s???