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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I extra care my family from a 'friend' is clearly interested in my husband

41 replies

whatafabulouslife · 07/09/2025 10:02

I had her to dinner last night. I often get the feeling she's there because of my husband.

This was after my resisting her request to stay the night.

listened to a conversation between the two of them. She ignored my hints that it was late.

the next day, we were all at an event. I saw over my husband's shoulder on his phone messages from her, to him, to join her.

nothing to me.

i'm not jealous or worried-but not keen to have a repeat.

how do I extricate my family from this 'friendship'? We have lots of mutual friends.

OP posts:
chipsticksmammy · 07/09/2025 10:04

Tell your husband you are not comfortable with the secrecy. It should be on him to not encourage her.

Do not attend or arrange anything with her ever again.

Be honest when people ask why, your husband won’t be the first or the last.

These women are very much out for themselves.

CoffeeCup14 · 07/09/2025 10:07

Talk to your husband.

He may be flattered by the attention, or oblivious. Or he may be actively encouraging it.

It may be nothing, obviously. Maybe she just likes him and clicks with him, and not with you. Some people are just flirty. But it sounds like she's persistent, so if she is interested in your husband, she's probably not going to just give up. Your husband needs to take responsibility for making sure the relationship is appropriate.

Cadenza12 · 07/09/2025 10:09

Why did you have her to dinner?

thepariscrimefiles · 07/09/2025 10:10

Is she your friend or your husband's? Stop inviting her for dinner for a start. Do you think that your husband reciprocates her feelings?

What is her situation? Is she in a relationship?

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2025 10:11

Get your H to deal with it

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 10:12

What did your husband reply? Why didn't he tell you?

It's pretty easy to remove yourself from a friendship. Just stop inviting her to anything with your family and her, and if she's at any event with your mutual friends just be polite.

That won't help if your husband still finds it appropriate to message her though, so you need to talk to him

Tagyoureit · 07/09/2025 10:13

I'd start embarrassing her!

Make a group chat in WhatsApp with the 3 of you and her to message here instead of privately messaging your dh, ask her loudly if shes only interested in married men in front of friends!!

This woman is no friend of yours if she's behaving like this.

What has your DH said about it?

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 07/09/2025 10:15

I'd certainly stop inviting her to dinner. There's no need for you to be hosting her if she can't behave appropriately. Is this one of those situations where you feel a bit sorry for her because she's on her own?

converseandjeans · 07/09/2025 10:18

You don’t need to invite her to dinner or to your house. I would tell DH you saw a message pop up & ask him to ignore her. It’s more difficult if he is actually replying to her. I assume he stayed with you at the event?

Tagyoureit · 07/09/2025 10:19

Oh yes, and stop inviting her to your house!

Hankunamatata · 07/09/2025 10:21

Do you feel you can raise it with dh?

SaratogaFilly · 07/09/2025 10:21

chipsticksmammy · 07/09/2025 10:04

Tell your husband you are not comfortable with the secrecy. It should be on him to not encourage her.

Do not attend or arrange anything with her ever again.

Be honest when people ask why, your husband won’t be the first or the last.

These women are very much out for themselves.

First post nailed it!

nomas · 07/09/2025 10:27

chipsticksmammy · 07/09/2025 10:04

Tell your husband you are not comfortable with the secrecy. It should be on him to not encourage her.

Do not attend or arrange anything with her ever again.

Be honest when people ask why, your husband won’t be the first or the last.

These women are very much out for themselves.

This

Never have her in your home again.

NOTANUM · 07/09/2025 10:30

Are you sure he’s not encouraging it? If you were to pick up his phone, what would you see - messages about hobbies, group activities etc. or them bantering away and catching up?

CurlewKate · 07/09/2025 10:35

If you don’t trust your husband then there’s nothing you can do.

NotARealWookiie · 07/09/2025 10:36

She shouldn’t be texting him to join her and he should know that.

Was she originally his friend or yours? If the former then she needs to understand that you are married and she needs to respect your relationship and not mark her territory.

HevenlyMeS · 07/09/2025 10:37

Yes I feel most commenters have already mentioned everything I'd like to recommend
God Bless You
Surely your husband can see this acquaintance is being out of order
Some men don't see it, or pretend they don't because they secretly love the attention
But it's completely unjust & unfair on you
I'm sure he wouldn't like it, if the roles were reversed & a male acquaintance was behaving in such an overly flirtatious manner with you
Maybe you need to ask him to put himself in your shoes & honestly ask himself, how he'd feel & what would he sincerely expect you to do about it!?
Really wish the utmost very best outcomes for you
You deserve to be respected & took seriously 💚🙏

twotrue · 07/09/2025 10:46

He didn’t give her hints that it was late. He could have but didn’t. The conversation was between them. You appear not to have been included.
He hasn’t told you she messaged him inviting him to join her. You weren’t included.
He hasn’t blocked her messaging him.
He knows the potential risk to your marriage as much as you do.
You seem to be the only one in the marriage pushing her away.
Speak to him about your concerns.

PennyForYourThoughtz · 07/09/2025 10:48

You've got a DH problem more than a friend problem.

Deal with that aspect first to make sure he knows where you stand and what you won't put up with.

Then you can move to phasing her out of your life.

JustineRobots · 07/09/2025 10:55

Tagyoureit · 07/09/2025 10:13

I'd start embarrassing her!

Make a group chat in WhatsApp with the 3 of you and her to message here instead of privately messaging your dh, ask her loudly if shes only interested in married men in front of friends!!

This woman is no friend of yours if she's behaving like this.

What has your DH said about it?

Don’t do this. It’s unhinged.

KittytheHare · 07/09/2025 10:55

You said you had her to dinner “last night” then said “the next day we were all at an event”. Hmmmm…doesn’t really make sense.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 07/09/2025 10:58

Suggest a group what's app with the 3 of you. Absolutely no need she be messaging your dh and not include you imo.

Silverbirchleaf · 07/09/2025 11:01

Make yourself obvious. If you see her chatting to your husband alone, insert yourself into the conversation. Make your presence felt.

FuzzyWolf · 07/09/2025 11:16

Why isn’t your husband getting rid of her and ignoring her? She’s likely to be acting this way because she thinks he is being receptive.

There is a thread from a few days ago where so many posters commented on how unusual it was, even after decades of friendship, to have the partner or husband of their friend’s phone number. She is messaging him because he is reading this and probably replying.

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 11:23

If it looks like 💩 and smells like 💩 - it's 💩.

Trust your instincts. She is after him.

Share your concerns with him, openly and honestly, and observe his reaction. Not what he says, but how he looks, sounds and behaves.

There are three possibilities.

He's oblivious and astonished.

He knows and it's entirely one-sided, in which case it shouldn't be too hard to arrange things so she is no longer hanging round. Explain that it's a relationship essential.

But it may not be one-sided, in which case prepare to learn things about your husband.

Knowing the truth is best.

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