My mother is here

[pandarific]

Rant incoming.

She is a vastly - VASTLY - better grandparent to small children than she was a mother to me or my sibling, which is WHY she is here.

I am reminded of why we only ever discuss commonplaces, such as which shops have the nicer fruit, or the children.

• I said I prefer not to have lots of stuff to do on Saturday, I prefer to have chill time.
• Laughs as if that is a ridiculous statement, “Well I think you get LOTS of chill time”
• I have 2 small children (one with hf ASD + adhd) and have worked full time in tech for the past 10 years bar mat leaves. I am currently managing a stressful redundancy situation with said job and applying for others, first interview after complete silence next week. We live in an ongoing renovation project which I also manage when I can. I just (finally) got a diagnosis of high masking ASD and ADHD - when I told her a few days ago she said “well I think you’re crazy going off doing this. What’s the point? You’re fine!” 1: Getting on the right medication for a start 2: making adaptations for myself that help, getting some OT 3: being protected at work if/when I get burnout. None of these reasons are engaged with, parrots the same line without taking any of it in.
• Having pointed all of the above out to her: scoffs and “Well what do you mean by chill time? Going off writing I suppose.” Well how dare I, really…
• ”And I NEVER had chill time.” Yes, because everything, ever, always is about you, mother.
• I point out that I’m ND and handling all of the above is a bit tiring if you are (!) so assuming she’s NT it’s not really a straight comparison
• “Well I don’t know if I am, but I don’t go around thinking about it, I just get on with it.”

Fucking HELL. Before anyone asks, not senile, not even 70. Just an egoist and perennial martyr who tbh it seems doesn’t like me much, or for me to be successful in anything I do that isn’t pre stamped with her seal of approval.

Putting this here and doing some deep fucking breathing so I don’t lose my patience. Raaaah.

Distance yourself. Her being nice to your kids but grim to you is not her being nice to your kids. It’s manipulation.

She's not a good grandparent.

She’s probably autistic too though remember!

she certainly has strong opinions.
feel for you op

@AutumnAtLast0 nah. ADHD maybe but I’ve never seen any ASD traits (men or women) in her.

anyway, being ND is no excuse for being an asshat!

how is she with her gc?

Look with the best will in the world you should consider keeping topics to a very neutral tone. You KNOW she isn’t going to empathise with your situation or consider her own behaviour.

discuss the weather, the children, plans for the day, Strictly ( or whatever floats her boat), holidays…

Its very sad she isn’t the mother you need but you are unfortunately making it worse for yourself by discussing this stuff.

Ask me how I know.

Very annoying. But you must be well aware of how she is, so if you want her in your life as a grandparent to your kids, just remain in the knowledge of who she is and roll your eyes and don’t expect her to change?

OP, what’s wrong with your DM saying she “just gets on with it”? And where is your DH in all this? Sounds as though your DM has come to help and you’re irritated by both what she does well, and what you perceive as her shortcomings.

Very likely your DM is Autistic too...

Look after yourself.

@MatildaTheCat all I said was I don’t like having lots of stuff to do on Saturdays! Like how much more neutral can it be?

Oh wow that rock sure is grey… oh look those look like nice scones… idek 🫠

Are your children hearing all these things she's saying? They don't have to be in the same room, they can hear very well! And what they dont hear they feel in the atmosphere created.

Being a good grandparent is about more than being nice to the children.

Staying neutral and pleasant and grey rocking sounds like the best idea. She doesn’t understand you or your needs, so stay in neutral, accept her for who she is and skirt away from giving her chances to be critical - if you want her in your life, that is.

Well, yes, I get it that it’s tough but in that example I’d just say something like, ‘yeah, I guess we’re all different.’ It’s hard because it’s natural to push back but it does get easier.

Do you have to see her a lot?

Mine is like this. As if anyone with two small children has plenty of chill time, even without the other things you mentioned! Also who asked for her opinion! Mine always gives her opinion (usually negative) even on things that are in the past tense, she essentially just likes to tell me I’m wrong. You’re already doing grey rock, as you said. Deep breaths, “mmmm” and talk about the weather. And leave a big gap before inviting her back. Or get her on to talking about herself, that keeps mine going for hours.

@QueenClinomania good point. I got annoyed at the end of the conversation and said forget it, it doesn’t matter, where did you get these peaches they’re really nice and after a few seconds of staring at me with a WTF look on her face she told me we had a conversation about fruit and that was that.

I think as some others have said I need to avoid challenging her in the moment - which is hard but I can do it - and going more neutral if she’s around.

She dotes on the children. She’s good with children up until the point they have their own ideas about things (teens).

@MatildaTheCat that makes sense, but my god I hate to allow her away with it iykwim. But yes, it would be more sensible. I’ll work out some ways to avoid biting back.

I have said before on similar threads, emotionally detach. My mum took great delight in being critical towards me while Toxic Tim, my brother could do no wrong, despite moving back home to live with our parents because he made such a hash of his life. Even my friends noticed it. As a family, we would vent to each other once she was away home. I would get up and leave the room if she started being critical. I didn't argue or defend myself, just removed myself. And I did it every time. In my head I would do critical bingo and think of all the nasty or cutting remarks she could make and play bingo when she said each one. Or I would laugh when she said something rude and say, "you are funny mum," and say something different or do something different. It took a while, but the sting of the comments gradually decreased

All points to exactly why I haven't seen my dm for best part of 20 years. . Very liberating.. And the knowledge that she can never make my dc feel like I did as a dc an absolutely bonus.
Yabu to offer up your dc to such a person..

@Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet I understand. Mitigating factors in my case, my sibling is worse and we’re NC, my mum essentially cares for them by going to stay regularly etc. I partly am in touch as I feel the duty to keep an eye on things from afar and point her toward services etc to help out.

Also, she is very loving toward the children and I keep an eye on it always. If it ever changes we will distance immediately.

Fully agree.
45 yo daughter of a narcissist abuser of
a "mother".
I cannot understand why, given her lifestyle, she is still here at 82. At least she's 800 miles away. 👍

Ha, much solidarity.

It's the constant niggling and unsettling comments. Regardless of knowing you need to let them go, it triggers the primal brain and it's all fight or flight!

You're doing great!

I heartily sympathise. That could be my mother talking. Sending you a virtual leg of lamb and a patio. And a shovel.

I once read a book about how to get rid of bodies while on holiday with her. It's the only thing that kept me sane, and her alive.

And the 'well I just gone on with it'! In tones of outraged virtue. Yes Mother Dearest, you did, didn't you? Actually what you did was avoided dealing with shit in any other way that wasn't making those around you miserable, and filled with the inadequacies and neuroses you passed on!

You won't get anything other than judgment out of her I'm afraid. Certainly no understanding, appreciation or empathy for your challenges. . .

Um, sorry. I think I may have added my rant to your rant!

But anyways, it's incredible what you're dealing with, and how you're dealing with it, and on top of that, Mommy Dearest. I really hope some things settle off the many plates you are juggling, and that your load gets lighter, and your path more clearer. . .

@mbosnz I read your message out doing the shop and I teared up a little bit. Thank you.🙏

Well, she’s now left after coming to find me alone and telling me about her imagined grievance with my husband’s family, who have had the gall to want to book a trip for their son’s milestone birthday. This is unacceptable to her because it cuts her out and they “took over” my milestone birthday the previous year.

She took absolutely no responsibility, as usual, and now I’m just sad. I don’t want to see her again for some time.

LOL at the upcoming tantrum - we alternate Xmas at home or at my husbands parents in another country - as is both fair and normal. But any fairness from me must always be twisted into victimhood for her. Christmas was at our house last year, she was invited and yet still engineered a whole drama and victimhood about her not being able to come to Xmas (too involved to explain why) but essentially it was still my fault that she “couldn’t” come to Xmas until two days afterward, and also it wasn’t fair for her at her advanced age of 67 to be driving all over the country, why is nobody priotising HER. Me pointing out 1) she needs to make her own decisions and prioritise herself, and 2) that is really the role of a partner, not an adult child.

Guess where we’ve just been invited for Christmas hahahahaha 😂

I don’t know why I’m laughing, this is going to be shit for me. My husband has said that he will handle it. Seriously bloody reconsidering seeing her at all for the next couple of months, it’s horrible to never know whether I’m going to get Jekyll or Hyde. It’s not fair.