My mother is here

[pandarific]

Rant incoming.

She is a vastly - VASTLY - better grandparent to small children than she was a mother to me or my sibling, which is WHY she is here.

I am reminded of why we only ever discuss commonplaces, such as which shops have the nicer fruit, or the children.

• I said I prefer not to have lots of stuff to do on Saturday, I prefer to have chill time.
• Laughs as if that is a ridiculous statement, “Well I think you get LOTS of chill time”
• I have 2 small children (one with hf ASD + adhd) and have worked full time in tech for the past 10 years bar mat leaves. I am currently managing a stressful redundancy situation with said job and applying for others, first interview after complete silence next week. We live in an ongoing renovation project which I also manage when I can. I just (finally) got a diagnosis of high masking ASD and ADHD - when I told her a few days ago she said “well I think you’re crazy going off doing this. What’s the point? You’re fine!” 1: Getting on the right medication for a start 2: making adaptations for myself that help, getting some OT 3: being protected at work if/when I get burnout. None of these reasons are engaged with, parrots the same line without taking any of it in.
• Having pointed all of the above out to her: scoffs and “Well what do you mean by chill time? Going off writing I suppose.” Well how dare I, really…
• ”And I NEVER had chill time.” Yes, because everything, ever, always is about you, mother.
• I point out that I’m ND and handling all of the above is a bit tiring if you are (!) so assuming she’s NT it’s not really a straight comparison
• “Well I don’t know if I am, but I don’t go around thinking about it, I just get on with it.”

Fucking HELL. Before anyone asks, not senile, not even 70. Just an egoist and perennial martyr who tbh it seems doesn’t like me much, or for me to be successful in anything I do that isn’t pre stamped with her seal of approval.

Putting this here and doing some deep fucking breathing so I don’t lose my patience. Raaaah.

(to clarify, we have been invited to DH’s parents for Xmas and we will be going. One month after DH’s milestone birthday event, which she is also not bloody coming to)

I don't think a good grandparent belittles and sneers at their GCs mother. Be careful, as children picking up on this happens sooner than you think, and its horribly conflicting when one person they love is behaving with contempt towards another person they love. I'm a strong believer that relationships with grandparents are very valuable. But not at any price.

I know @5128gap, I was that child, and was stuck in a house with them for years. She’s either getting worse or I’ve just let too much stuff roll off me in the past.

DH says he’ll handle it, I think he’ll need to give her a talking to if she wants to come and stay because she’ll just deny deny deny to me.

Sounds like you just don’t get on. It’s the same for lots of mothers and daughters 🤷🏼‍♀️
Just because you’re family, doesn’t mean you have to like one another.
What do you bring to each others’ lives?

your mum is a self absorbed twat who is in competition with you
hence they well I never had chill time
aka translation to I was a format so you should be too so shut up and put up

no thanks

and ps no one can be a good grandparent if they treat the parents like shit
because anything that upsets the parents and sets them off balance is not good for the kids so no grandparents like this are good grandparents

good luck op
id tell her somethings come up and she has to go
then distance distance distance

Don’t engage with bad behaviour, but do tell her that it’s what you think that matters in your home/life, and you aren’t up for debating it.

You've become desensitised to it probably, and now seeing it play out again in front of your DC has shown you how awful it is. You are trying to see the good in her, by seeing her as a good GP. But good grandparenting has to start with good parenting of your own adult child. First and foremost, you support and uplift them, take the load off where you can, empathise, because that helps them be a more confident parent to your GC. If you're not doing these things as a GP, you're falling short.

(Misses whole point of thread)

The thread title reminds me of the line in one of the Cat in the Hat books... "Your mother is here, your mother is here!"

Sorry. Just thought I would add that valuable contribution... 😆😳

Matilda is spot on, on this OP...

I do feel your pain. You are currently drowning in a whole barrel of "stuff to do" and "stuff you can't do much about." I would suggest that some of this is just stuff you've got to grind through step by step and accept that your M is never going to be the ideal parent - not a cheerleader but a very strident theatre critic. That is her problem and her loss, she's missing out on having a better relationship with you.

It's OK to have a lot of stuff going on... and it is absolutely OK to not be able to wave a magic wand and have everything going brilliantly all of a sudden. These are big life problems and you are doing your absolute best. Accept that and get snappy with anyone who wants to imply that because you have life issues to deal with and things are not magazine perfect that they have the right to criticise you, make you feel bad about yourself etc...

All free childcare has a price.. and you are currently paying. If that is worth it, carry on. If not see less of each other.

As Matlida suggested... Just stop telling her stuff. Stop.. put your hand over your mouth and pinch yourself if you ever feel your story bursting out. Stop handing her the bat with which to beat you. And while you are at it.. I'd have some phrases up my sleeve to close down certain discussions. I'd also have some statements like, "That's not important right now - Is it raining?" you know the sort of thing.

She's unlikely now to change. but you could change the way you react to her. If you stick to very neutral topics, could you get along a bit better? It's better to make decisions in advance.. ie don't ask what do you think we should have for dinner? etc...or sound indecisive. Just have arrangements planned in your own mind. Then there's no need for discussion or critiques to creep in. And you are more in control then.

When she's starting on her antics, try to not to give her views so much importance. She grew up in another era, very different to your own. She doesn't seem, from what you've said, to have the capacity for sympathy or empathy (she probably wasn't shown this by her own parents) .

So Find someone else to confide in. But also, tell yourself that you are doing well coping under an avalanche of difficult circumstances. Most people would flounder from what you currently have on your plate. So getting through day by day is actually pretty good and you will resolve each issue in time, which is also pretty good if you think about it! If you have confidence in yourself, some of these comments will sting less and be apparent for the nonsense they are.

To quote Matilda "Ask me how I know."

Just saw your update.

This is your time with your DH and your little family. Do whatever suits you best.
Yes you will get the martyr chat.. but it does sound like that will happen whatever you do or however accommodating you are. So if you get the same amount of grief for either option, may as well take the option that suits you best.

This sounds very like my Mum. She simply cannot conceive of anyone ever having a problem or a challenge.

It limits our relationship but i’ve accepted that and it’s fine. She is someone I see often but I never confide in

It’s just beyond depressing. 😢

I don't know if this helps, but you can take comfort in the fact that you will be a much better parent to your own children. That you have a greater understanding of how to listen to them with empathy and encouragement. She's shown you by example what not to do.

Minor fairly boring update: she sent me this the day after she left. A perfect example of a non-apology!

I have not replied.

She sounds incredibly similar to my Mum, who cannot understand things that are out of her own experience and can’t help but be dismissive of the same. She loves my children and is a far better Nan than she was a Mum but as they have got older she has begun to slip into her old ways with them too. Except neither I or they will have it and will challenge her (gently) which she sometimes cannot abide. She has been known to storm out. And we let her now tbh as it’s more about her than us.
she is also visiting us now. We sadly lost my lovely dad a month ago, so this will be a more frequent occurrence but it will not be without a lot of holding our tongues and she will need to learn to do the same (though I’m not sure she is capable).

So you have time to make your spare room unavailable.
Office?
Library?
Dcat room?
Large cupboard?
Bar?

People like your mom usually are decent with little kids. It's once they get to that age of pulling away and developing their own opinions and voicing them that the trouble starts.

As my grandmother once said, why don't you just agree with me then go do whatever like your brother does?

Y-ABSOLUTELY-NBU OP, I can relate to a lot of it myself. My mum is 81 and used to have the same opinions re: Autism.
However, once my DD was diagnosed aged 4 and DM began to witness the ASD behaviour in DD, her viewpoint changed a lot. Plus her best friend adopted a child whose behaviour was severely affected by Autism so that opened up a discussion with her friend re: ASD I think. Plus DM was on the receiving end of my exasperated phone calls, crying and pleading for help/advice when DD was having meltdowns I couldn’t handle.
Previously though, I just had to keep reminding myself that DM was not just raised in a time long before ASD was a thing, but also raised kids in a time when it although it was a thing in the medical world, it certainly wasn’t something ordinary non-medical people had ever even heard of. All her and her peers knew when it came to anything medical, was to ‘just try to get on with it as best you can’. So whilst I don’t agree with your DM re: you not bothering to get a diagnosis, I do understand where it stems from.

No advice but just wanted to say that you are doing amazingly to juggle all the balls that you are.

Blimey I would struggle to say anything to her as she just seems to want to find fault in everything you say. Do you have to see her much?