To feel so stressed about what BIL (and MIL??) has said

[Artmumcreative]

BIL came to us for Christmas. DH had spent weeks prepping an extravagant meal despite our DD only being six months old. BIL argued with DH about the food, refused to help with the washing up, and said he'd have preferred to have got pizza in. I ended up feeding DD in the bedroom at this point because I didn't want her to listen to it (she was about 6 mo)
BIL suggested we go for a meal "to clear the air" a few weeks later. We did so, everything seemed fine. I haven't seen him since.
Then he contacts DH randomly yesterday to say that he's still angry about Christmas?!? And that I made him feel awkward because I was breastfeeding when he arrived. I've felt stressed ever since because I'm being scapegoated but didn't do anything wrong. AIBU to be this affected by being blamed when I hadn't done anything? If so, how do I get rid of the stress?

He's scum.
Your husband needs to make clear he is not welcome in your home.
If he doesn't, rethink your relationship.
No good husband would accept this.
Do NOT have him near your home again.
I hope your family are close to you.

He sounds horrible. Whatever you do, don’t invite him again! Not for Christmas in particular but also not for anything.

I agree with a pp that it would have been better if DH hadn’t told you and just responded firmly himself.

Your BIL sounds like a complete dickhead. How dare he criticise you for breastfeeding in your own home. Never invite him again and avoid him whenever you can. What has MIL said?

What a silly sod. Think no more about it or him.

BIL was rude. As others have said he is deflecting. Dont have him back.

I mean OP how very dare you provide milk to your baby in your own home when HE was visiting.......🙄 what a amazing pleasant man he sounds like!

Don't get dragged in if he or your MIL say anything it's a simple I was feeding a baby what's the problem!

To clarify, MIL has had me and DH blocked on all methods of communication for almost 18 months (for no fathomable reason, or not one that I recall). BIL is in touch with her, and is easily led to side with her on issues.

Tell him good job they won't ever be 'subjected' to another visit to your home. Especially not at Christmas.

All that seems to have happened is that you and your husband provided excellent hospitality and in return your brother in law was exceedingly rude.

There’s no need for stress or upset, simply don’t invite him for Christmas this year, someone should after all spend it with your MIL and it sounds like they probably deserve each other.

YABU to give a toss about what he says. He's clearly a twonk.

He sounds disagreeable. Not sure he'd ever be happy with anything. Hard though it may be, try to view it as his issue and therefore nothing you can do anything about.

Why are you giving any headspace to anyone who has a tantrum because you're feeding your own young baby in your own home. His family sound completely toxic so think you're best off out of it

It’s just not a good fit, man who wants Christmas pizza and a baby who does not need to eat vs couple who want a nice Christmas meal and have a baby that, like all other babies, has needs. Maybe frame it as a kindness that MIL has blocked you and is sparing you from her drama

So why are you still bothered about what they think or say?

BIL sounds like an insufferable idiot, MIL sounds like a pain in the ass who has made your life easier by blocking you 18 months ago yet you're still so worried and concerned about what they think.

Does your DH have your back? Is he planning to invite MIL and BIL to Christmas this year?

The only reason you may have a problem is if your DH is insisting tbag you host them despite their ridiculous behaviour inside that you have a relationship with them and in that case you would have a DH problem not a MIL/BIL problem. Aside that, ignore them and live your life.

He wants you to apologise for feeding your baby? Ok, this should be the thing that confirms for you that he’s absolutely fucking insane and that you cannot take anything he says seriously. Why are you stressing because of some bonkers thing that a nutcase is saying? He may as well accuse you of being unwelcoming because he didn’t like the colour of your socks. It’s ridiculous. Rolling your eyes at him is the only sensible response.

Then he contacts DH randomly yesterday to say that he's still angry about Christmas?!? And that I made him feel awkward because I was breastfeeding when he arrived If ‘😂Piss off, you fucking idiot’ isn’t something he’s willing to send, then ask your DH to reply saying ‘I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you have a better time with whatever your plans are for this year’.

How old is your BIL? He sounds about 12. Though actually that might be an insult to 12 year olds.

Hopefully your DH doesn't feel any obligation to invite either of them this year. Have a lovely Christmas with just you, DH and DD and any other nice, appreciative guests you choose to invite.

BTW I am assuming the week's preparing are things like making your own cake, pudding, mincemeat, stuffing etc. Good on him.

It sounds like the Christmas you had was not what BiL was expecting..he was probably anticipating something more low key & just wanted to chill. DH making a big performance about cooking Xmas lunch [DH had spent weeks prepping an extravagant meal despite our DD only being six months old] may have made BiL uncomfortable, and it sounds like there are issues between the 2 of them that they need to sort out. Was BiL expecting the sort of Xmas that maybe 2 young single men used to have together, pizza and beers? Refusing to do the washing up sounds like not wanting to be bossed about by his brother, or not wanting to do it just then.
Maybe he was uncomfortable about seeing you feeding the baby, that doesn't make him horrible or wrong, just that he's not used to it. He'd be in the wrong if he was leering at you, but you're not saying that's what happened.
Instead of getting so stressed about this, I'd suggest that DH gets to the bottom of why BiL is so upset.. sounds like there's something more going on, especially as you say you haven't seen him since the meal after Xmas, and he's still upset.

BIL argued with DH about the food, refused to help with the washing up,

What exactly did he say about the food? If he refused to wash up, what reason did he give? I presume you won't ever have him back again.

Why does your thread title mention being so stressed by what MIL has said when you haven't even talked to her for eighteen months?

There's not enough detail here to give much advice really.

I'd get DH to reply to his brother saying that's a shame, and to ask where he's going for Christmas food as you are having a quiet one with no guests this year.

What a prick! Make sure you dont invite him this christmas!

TBH I wouldn’t have the ill-mannered bugger in my house ever again.

Your mil is no contact and neither of you know why?

Hey Bob, bit of an odd thing to be ruminating on after so long and to be so oddly affected by something so natural sounds like you hae some mother issues. Anyway enjoy your pizza at home this year. Merry Christmas in advance x

Tell him to sod off.

I have said you are being unreasonable. Because why waste a minute thinking about this dick. Babies need to be fed, he was fed a lovely meal too. Really never “offend” him again by never inviting him into your home again!

How to stop the stress tell your husband you think his brother is a dick/loon/ignoramus/narcissist and you dont want to spend any more christmasses being made uncomfortable in your own home!

Tell him to fuck off

If he doesn't understand how babies get fed ornhow adults behave then he doesn't get to say anything at all to you

Block him, ignore him, laugh at/about him and support your DH in maintaining his equilibrium