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Original poster

My friend is having an affair

39 replies

BubbalaDetalla · 06/09/2025 12:30

She has 2 DC- 13 and 11. She has been with her partner for 20 years but they are not married. She works two days a week but has no savings and is largely financially dependent on him.
She has been telling me that she has been very unhappy with him for almost a year, saying he is tight with money, works all the time and that she can't bear sex with him. I had thought perhaps she was perimeno, but in fact when I met her in the summer holidays she confessed to me that this is all related to an active affair.
She has fallen in love/infatuation with this other man. He went through a divorce several years ago and has very little, could not provide for her in the same way. She said she would be happy to go back to work
I feel she must make a decision, it's gone on long enough and I can see her boys are conscious that she is unhappy (she kept crying when we met up at a theme park and I could see them looking over worriedly, and it's such a formative time for them.)
I feel for her. I also feel very bad for her partner who as far as I can tell is a decent man and good dad. But I do feel for my friend too as she's "got it bad" for this person, but also doesn't want to break up the family (and tbh probably doesn't want to upset her easy life). I think she's behaving selfishly/acting like a teenager but I do think she's suffering too.
I advised her to stop the affair and suggest a trial separation with her partner. They are on the verge of splitting but he does not know about the affair. He has said he will sell the house and split it if it comes to that. She wants to be honest but is afraid that if she is honest with him she will be left with nothing. She doesn't seem able to stop talking with the other guy. The affair is more of an infatuation and they text daily but rarely meet, though they have slept together several times over the last year.
I keep telling her to stop seeing the other guy. What would you do ?

OP posts:
ResusciAnnie · 06/09/2025 12:32

I think I’d:

  1. advise her to stop it
  2. tell her this is why she needs her own income as she’s kind of stuck unable to fund her kids and lifestyle - she’s clearly unhappy with her partner and wants the freedom to leave, but can’t financially, hence the affair
  3. tell her to stop talking to me about it probably.
OverlyFragrant · 06/09/2025 12:33

I would stay out of it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/09/2025 12:33

Nothing. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Youve already given your opinion and it's clearly not been heeded.

NeedATreat · 07/09/2025 21:10

I would set your boundaries around what you’re willing to discuss, and beyond that stay well out of it. Years ago, my friend’s DH was a serial cheat. He tried to talk me into having an affair with him. I didn’t tell my friend because I had a feeling she would take his word over mine, and I thought she was better with me as a friend should it all come out than to push her away by telling her. My instincts were proven right years later when one of the many women he’d had an affair with over the years made it public and my friend stood by him

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 07/09/2025 21:10

I would tell her she's an absolute idiot, and go low contact because the shit is gonna hit the fan and I couldnt support a cheater through all that.

As the meme says, ain't nobody got time for that shit.

Perimenipausalmum · 07/09/2025 21:13

It's none of your business, you have told her your opinion, now just leave it at that! No point in interfering more

FuzzyWolf · 07/09/2025 21:14

I think that you just leave it. You’ve given your opinion, she isn’t listening and if you can’t support a cheater then you take a step back.

whitewineandsun · 07/09/2025 21:38

I'd tell her I don't want to hear about it and step away if she carries on. I've got zero time for cheaters.

Sassylovesbooks · 07/09/2025 21:49

You've told your friend to end the affair and suggested a trial separation with her partner. There's little else you can do. Telling her partner about the other man, in my opinion is a bad move. She'd be better off separating, if that is what she wants, and keeping quiet about the affair. Her partner is hardly going to take the news well (and who can blame him), and it could then cause a very messy, horrible break-up. She needs to end the affair, because regardless if she ends her relationship or not, at some point her partner will find out. You can't do or say anymore, the decision has to be your friend's. To be honest, the less you know, the better. It then doesn't put you in an awkward position.

Bathingforest · 07/09/2025 21:49

Whatever she does, her life won't be any different. She is not married to this one and even if married the other, then there would be the money problems. Life is never one straight line

Fargo79 · 07/09/2025 21:51

I'd just stay completely out of it and distance myself from the friendship. I won't be dragged into other people's self inflicted drama and I won't be put in the position of keeping damaging secrets for people like this.

Pipsquiggle · 07/09/2025 21:51

Tell her this sounds high risk with low reward.

Getting a job will help give her options.

She needs to work out what to do about her marriage, preferably without the affair muddying a clear thought process.

rainbowsparkle28 · 07/09/2025 21:52

Stay out of it. As someone else said not my circus not my monkeys. And if she brings it up, say you don’t want to know about the details of it, she can make whatever decisions she wishes but you do not wish to be involved or know.

Playdoughy · 07/09/2025 21:54

I really feel bad for her boys :( Sounds like she got bored more than anything, hardly any relationship after 20+ years is still fireworks in bed, but people are usually mature enough to value other things too.
Honestly, just tell her you think it's an infatuation, it is immature and that nothing is gonna come out of that side situationship (and you will not be lying! it's not like she found her soulmate suddenly, the guy probably has a couple of them on the rota).
If you are lucky - she'll get offended, defensive, and stop taking to you for the time being. Tell her you'll be there for her if she needs you and that's it ..

NJ84 · 07/09/2025 22:01

I'd tell her to grow up and put her children first! She might have gotten bored and in search of a mid life spark but her children and partner have done nothing wrong. She needs to come clean with her partner and learn how to be happy herself, before launching into a new relationship. She's acting like an entitled teenager.

My advice to you OP, is to go low contact. With friends like that, you're going to end up with heartache that isn't even yours!!

MrsLizzieDarcy · 07/09/2025 22:02

I was in a similar situation, and in the end, I told her that I didn't want to hear about it. You can't make her modify her behaviour, she's caught up in a fantasy world with the buzz of an affair and can't see the woods for the trees.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 07/09/2025 22:13

Tell her you think it’s ill advised
You tell her you won’t cover for her
Ask her not to discuss their affair with you

and that is all you can realistically do

Fionuala · 07/09/2025 22:17

i would say the same. I had v strong feelings for a man - not an affair but awfully bad and honestly what a twat I was. i stopped going into shop he owned and 'ended ' from my side.
Do try to speak to her and urge her to end it. If her partner has supported her financially she is in no position to launch off on her own with someone who is likely to turn out useless and not support her similarly. She will get over this.

LovelyLuluu · 07/09/2025 22:23

Classic MN advice is decide on your marriage first, leave if you must, but not for someone else as there is no guarantee it will work out.

I'd tell her that then keep out of it. Listen if you want to but don't meddle.

Pherian · 07/09/2025 22:23

BubbalaDetalla · 06/09/2025 12:30

She has 2 DC- 13 and 11. She has been with her partner for 20 years but they are not married. She works two days a week but has no savings and is largely financially dependent on him.
She has been telling me that she has been very unhappy with him for almost a year, saying he is tight with money, works all the time and that she can't bear sex with him. I had thought perhaps she was perimeno, but in fact when I met her in the summer holidays she confessed to me that this is all related to an active affair.
She has fallen in love/infatuation with this other man. He went through a divorce several years ago and has very little, could not provide for her in the same way. She said she would be happy to go back to work
I feel she must make a decision, it's gone on long enough and I can see her boys are conscious that she is unhappy (she kept crying when we met up at a theme park and I could see them looking over worriedly, and it's such a formative time for them.)
I feel for her. I also feel very bad for her partner who as far as I can tell is a decent man and good dad. But I do feel for my friend too as she's "got it bad" for this person, but also doesn't want to break up the family (and tbh probably doesn't want to upset her easy life). I think she's behaving selfishly/acting like a teenager but I do think she's suffering too.
I advised her to stop the affair and suggest a trial separation with her partner. They are on the verge of splitting but he does not know about the affair. He has said he will sell the house and split it if it comes to that. She wants to be honest but is afraid that if she is honest with him she will be left with nothing. She doesn't seem able to stop talking with the other guy. The affair is more of an infatuation and they text daily but rarely meet, though they have slept together several times over the last year.
I keep telling her to stop seeing the other guy. What would you do ?

I’d tell her that I wouldn’t depend on me any longer to lay out her drama to. She knows she’s in the wrong and it’s disgusting what she’s doing. I’d also let her know that when it all turns to shit, which it will I’ll be laughing in her face.

That isn’t a friend I’d want.

Someone2025 · 07/09/2025 22:25

BubbalaDetalla · 06/09/2025 12:30

She has 2 DC- 13 and 11. She has been with her partner for 20 years but they are not married. She works two days a week but has no savings and is largely financially dependent on him.
She has been telling me that she has been very unhappy with him for almost a year, saying he is tight with money, works all the time and that she can't bear sex with him. I had thought perhaps she was perimeno, but in fact when I met her in the summer holidays she confessed to me that this is all related to an active affair.
She has fallen in love/infatuation with this other man. He went through a divorce several years ago and has very little, could not provide for her in the same way. She said she would be happy to go back to work
I feel she must make a decision, it's gone on long enough and I can see her boys are conscious that she is unhappy (she kept crying when we met up at a theme park and I could see them looking over worriedly, and it's such a formative time for them.)
I feel for her. I also feel very bad for her partner who as far as I can tell is a decent man and good dad. But I do feel for my friend too as she's "got it bad" for this person, but also doesn't want to break up the family (and tbh probably doesn't want to upset her easy life). I think she's behaving selfishly/acting like a teenager but I do think she's suffering too.
I advised her to stop the affair and suggest a trial separation with her partner. They are on the verge of splitting but he does not know about the affair. He has said he will sell the house and split it if it comes to that. She wants to be honest but is afraid that if she is honest with him she will be left with nothing. She doesn't seem able to stop talking with the other guy. The affair is more of an infatuation and they text daily but rarely meet, though they have slept together several times over the last year.
I keep telling her to stop seeing the other guy. What would you do ?

Stay well out of it, it’s an important decision for her to make but she alone needs to make it

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/09/2025 22:29

I would encourage her to look for full time work. She will be better placed if they decide to separate and have less time for the affair. Giving her advice though will probably fall on deaf ears. I wouldn't encourage her to discuss this with me any more, her 'sadness' is self-inflicted and she's probably enjoying the drama.

BlondeCircus · 07/09/2025 22:35

It’s not your buisness stay out of it,

Plumnora · 07/09/2025 22:46

It's a distraction from her depressing life. It's texting and occasional sex. It's nothing more than an escape for her so she doesn't have to face reality and make uncomfortable choices.
You've told her what you think and she's ignored your advice. There really isn't anything more you can do.
Maybe say to her what is it she's wanting? A break from her husband or a future with this man? Is it really what she wants?
And also perhaps ask her to stop talking to you about it as you feel she's going round in circles and it's not fair to put all this on you. It's not fair to drag you in to it. She's a grown woman and she needs to face reality, take responsibility and start thinking about what she's going to do otherwise people are going to get very hurt.
You seem like a good friend. She's lucky to have you. I guess all you really do is be there when it all hits the fan.

Lilyrosepetal · 07/09/2025 22:47

Your 'friend' is an idiot. There's nothing more you can do.

From the financial perspective she needs to get to work five days a week and immediately start to accumulate emergency savings and a pension. It sounds like she has lost years on this and will face a miserable retirement, if she's able to retire to begin with in the future decades. As they are not married, her partner doesn't owe her a pence whenever the break up happens.

From the ethical and moral perspective, obviously her partner doesn't deserve any of this. Relationships come to an end at times, she sounds to drag the poor man on because of the financial benefits. Are you sure you want to be friends with this person to begin with?