Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My friend is having an affair

39 replies

BubbalaDetalla · 06/09/2025 12:30

She has 2 DC- 13 and 11. She has been with her partner for 20 years but they are not married. She works two days a week but has no savings and is largely financially dependent on him.
She has been telling me that she has been very unhappy with him for almost a year, saying he is tight with money, works all the time and that she can't bear sex with him. I had thought perhaps she was perimeno, but in fact when I met her in the summer holidays she confessed to me that this is all related to an active affair.
She has fallen in love/infatuation with this other man. He went through a divorce several years ago and has very little, could not provide for her in the same way. She said she would be happy to go back to work
I feel she must make a decision, it's gone on long enough and I can see her boys are conscious that she is unhappy (she kept crying when we met up at a theme park and I could see them looking over worriedly, and it's such a formative time for them.)
I feel for her. I also feel very bad for her partner who as far as I can tell is a decent man and good dad. But I do feel for my friend too as she's "got it bad" for this person, but also doesn't want to break up the family (and tbh probably doesn't want to upset her easy life). I think she's behaving selfishly/acting like a teenager but I do think she's suffering too.
I advised her to stop the affair and suggest a trial separation with her partner. They are on the verge of splitting but he does not know about the affair. He has said he will sell the house and split it if it comes to that. She wants to be honest but is afraid that if she is honest with him she will be left with nothing. She doesn't seem able to stop talking with the other guy. The affair is more of an infatuation and they text daily but rarely meet, though they have slept together several times over the last year.
I keep telling her to stop seeing the other guy. What would you do ?

OP posts:

5128gap · 07/09/2025 23:24

The best course of action is to leave her H and put the affair on hold while she concerntrates on supporting her sons with the aftermath of the seperation. Once things have settled if her future lies with the AP, he'll still be waiting. However, its highly unlikely that a woman who has been benefitting in different ways from two relationships is going to find the idea of no relationship appealing.
So, being realistic, I'd advise her to decide between her H and her AP before the choice is taken from her. She is on borrowed time before either her H finds out or her AP gets fed up of waiting for her, or both.
I'd point out that her sons seemed unsettled, as if she is so wrapped up in herself she may not have noticed, or be deluding herself they are fine.

Nothankyov · 07/09/2025 23:29

personally I would tell the husband.

everychildmatters · 07/09/2025 23:38

She wants to have her cake and eat it, basically. Sounds to me like she likes the "easy" lifestyle with her current partner but sex with the other married man. Doubt she'd leave her current partner for this new one tbh.

Sashya · 07/09/2025 23:43

@BubbalaDetalla
It depends on what sort of friend you are.

Personally - with my closest friends, I'd think about trying to help them, rather than judge them.

It is clear that she is unhappy and very vulnerable. She contributed to the family life by raising the kids over a long term, but has no protection that a married woman would have. This has a potential to end really badly for her.

She absolutely should NOT tell her partner about the affair. I'd make sure to tell her that, so that if their relationship does move towards separation - that at least they come out of it as equal partners - as the case would have been had they been married. (as in marriage breakdown - an affair does not have a bearing on financial settlement. Sadly - in her case, her partner may become angry and punish her financially.) This is not about morality. This is about fairness and protecting a vulnerable woman - I do not think she needs to be punished for the way our legal system does not protect women living in "common law marriage".

As to the actual affair - I think it is more a symptom of her being unhappy. It's an escape and a fantasy for her. A fantasy of a different life. It is very unlikely that it's a relationship that will survive long term.

everychildmatters · 07/09/2025 23:49

I'm not sure I could be friends with someone who was having an affair; being desperately unhappy doesn't justify it. I certainly would never be in a relationship with someone who'd had one.

putthekettleonn · 07/09/2025 23:51

I had a friend in this exact situation, but her children were both primary school age at the time. She was vile to her boy as he reminded her of her husband. I went low contact. She continued her affair for over a year and then left the family home, got a part-time job and saw the kids on the weekend. She continued treating the kids poorly, the affair partner also left his family. Eventually, once her ex-husband started dating again, she told people how awful her ex was and how she was so lonely and had "just" began dating the man she'd been having an affair with for over 2 years. Shortly after, he left her, and she moved on to another loser. The poor kids had a really rough time.

Phoenixfire1988 · 08/09/2025 00:00

She's disgusting ! She likes the life her husband provides but the fun her AF gives her poor husband working his arse off for her I'm sure the kids would be disgusted aswell they are old enough to know their life was torpedoed because their mother couldnt keep her knickers on
I'd a anonymously tell the husband he deserves that much

Loulabelle1234 · 08/09/2025 06:52

You've got to warn her, she'll end up struggling with 2 children. She needs to stop her affair and work on her relationship with her husband and get herself a full time job. That way if it doesn't work out she'll have an income. The affair isn't reality and he won't want to take on a woman with 2 children, I guarantee that. Then stay out of it.

GreenFlag · 08/09/2025 07:25

I’d tell the husband.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2025 07:45

I would tell her to regain control of her finances by finding a full time job and putting her kids first.

The affair is a distraction from the reality of her situation and it’s doing her a disservice.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/09/2025 09:30

She needs to prioritise a job hunt over all else.

Then once she’s got a full time job and through any probationary period, then she looks at ending her relationship with her partner. I’d advise her that while her partner has said he’d always sell up and split the house profit if they split up, what he’ll actually do when hurt and upset to find out she’s cheated might be completely different. If he’s the only one who’s paid for the house, it’s unlikely she’ll get 50% of any profit unless he decides to be generous, how likely is it that he’ll be nice and kind if he finds out she’s been shagging someone else?

The job hunt, completing probationary period, splitting up, selling the house etc could take the best part of a school academic year. At 13, I assume her eldest is year 9. Year 10 is the start of GCSEs and an important year academically. I would say if she’s doing this, then this year would be the best. Once her dc1 is out of GCSEs, her dc2 would be starting. So if she wants to minimise the negative effects on her children, it’s now or in 5 years time when dc2 is year 12. But if he partner finds out about the affair in the meantime, she might lose control over timings and he dump her.

So it’s either plan for a smooth end of her relationship now, or end things with the OM until her dcs are grown.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/09/2025 09:35

Oh and OP, your friend is probably enjoying the drama and romance, not thinking practically, beyond accepting OM won’t support her and her dcs if she leaves her DP for him. Romance and drama are all good and well but she’s got two kids to think about. Unless she’d just leave for romantic poverty with OM and leave her dcs with their dad.

She might want to check her OM is up for that. (IME single men who target married women don’t want a full relationship with sharing their lives/space/commitment.)

crappycrapcrap · 08/09/2025 09:47

Nothing. She’s your friend who you sympathise with but that’s it, she’ll hear your advice or ignore you.
I’d only step in if you see her children worried again and just raise it with her, lets chat another time because X and X are listening.

FormidableMizzP · 08/09/2025 11:47

Clearly you're a good friend and she needs you. But as others have said, advise her to finish the affair and work on her relationship for her boys' sakes if not her own. Maybe ask her what she hopes to achieve by it, then tell her you won't talk about it anymore.

I wouldn't say anything to the partner. You're assuming he's not up to anything. None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I know of affairs where the cheated upon partner was fine with it, she pretended not to know and got an attentive happy husband. Not everyone's cup of tea but just shows - you do not know!

The grass isn't always greener . . .

Flip

1 2