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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Normal in a relationship

36 replies

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 09:59

So my partner is going out today with my children to an event, he didn't really mention what it entailed and I said I'd rather do something else together or I may not come if they wanted to go to the event but it seemed to involve atanding all day which isnt great for me physically. Didn't know much of the details of the event but on the morning of going it appears acually quite good now my partner had elaborated on it, he hasnt mentioned the event otherwise, just organisdd and assumed it would happen and spoken to.my children about it...I thought maybe I'd go after finding out the details but unfortunatly second thought I have to look after the pet who is unwell this week and can't be left alone as lethargic, it would be cruel. My partner was indifferent really. I've anxiety this week and its heightened at present more than the normal which I've shared with him but with no real advice or reassurancefrom him...not sure what im expecting I guess. Current anxiety driving factors are pressures from my job and feeling like I am the decision maker/ have to be my partners brain as he doesn't seem to function and think, get tasks done/poor decision making and is on setraline. Anyway so I've just broken down in tears, likely also hormonal.... and my partner asks if and why I'm crying in an insincere tone and then I said nothing i guess as i felt he wasnt being heartfelt and he has just left for the event without another word with my children.. I'm clearly upset, crying and not feeling great.... is that normal or should I expect my partner to have been more loving and concerned, trying to comfort me. This is how he seems to be about anything. If I say he was Inappropriate in a situation he will reply sorry without a second thought if prompted with no substance to his answer and this is on repeat whether its following him raising his voice or snapping at me.I feel almost unloved somehow. I guess the picture is bigger than this post but I've rambled enough.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 06/09/2025 10:02

I’m not sure what he’s done wrong here OP, are you receiving any professional support for your anxiety?

GRex · 06/09/2025 10:04

It doesn't sound like you're coping with normal life very well and that will be damaging to your children as well as to you, you need to go to the GP about your anxiety. If you call 111, they can get you a Saturday appointment.

toomuchfaff · 06/09/2025 10:06

feeling like I am the decision maker/ have to be my partners brain as he doesn't seem to function and think,

Yet he has organised an event, you had no input, he was taking the kids, its all done and sorted - but youre his brain, he doesn't function?

Your AIBU is contradictory to this point.

HotBathwater · 06/09/2025 10:13

I agree with the first three replies. You need to get help with controlling your anxiety, for your own sake and that of your relationship. And your partner appears to have organised this day out with the children perfectly well without needing you to be his ‘brain’?

Haggisfish3 · 06/09/2025 10:16

I suspect you are co dependent on each other. It sounds like you are anxious over a non event. Partner took dc out -you didn’t fancy it so stayed at home. No need to be anxious or upset about any of that, on either side.

Haggisfish3 · 06/09/2025 10:17

People often reach the point of sympathy fatigue where, if someone is often anxious or upset, it becomes difficult to be sympathetic as you know nothing you say will help and it will happen again in the near future.

Notmyreality · 06/09/2025 10:20

toomuchfaff · 06/09/2025 10:06

feeling like I am the decision maker/ have to be my partners brain as he doesn't seem to function and think,

Yet he has organised an event, you had no input, he was taking the kids, its all done and sorted - but youre his brain, he doesn't function?

Your AIBU is contradictory to this point.

Exactly my first thought.

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:22

No he just needed to drive to the event. He didn't disclose any details to me, mentioned it once and then on the cusp of going, by that point he gave more details on the morning of going but I had to take responsibility for the pet, would have been reckless to go.

Anxiety wise, he has mental health and it is taking its toll on me and so i have anxiety which has worsened due to it. Yes he managed to identify an event and drive to it but everyday tasks utility bills, essential planning for children, house maintenance, ensuring he has his bank cards on him, managing his money etc always involves me reminding and putting things in place and fixing things.

OP posts:
ButSheSaid · 06/09/2025 10:23

no real advice or reassurancefrom him.

I have experienced anxiousness and trauma, and have learnt it is not anyone else's place to advise me about it or reassure me.
What does heartfelt mean, like, what did you want him to do?

He was taking kids to some event and you were crying and breaking down at him. You need to see your doctor.
If you don't like your boyfriend, break up with him.
Have a relaxing, peaceful day at home.

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:23

Perhaps it appears so but I'm upset and as said at the end there is more to this story. Be kind.

OP posts:
BuffetTheDietSlayer · 06/09/2025 10:25

It sounds like you tried to sabotage his day out with the children because you want his attention on you.

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:27

I wasn't crying about the event. Sorry this probably looks like ot was because of that and rambly. I was just upset having had a difficult week and there are other stressor including needing to organise things which sre his responsibility.

Heartfelt...I guess sympathy, an understanding tone of voice....not being indifferent and supportive. Because when I see him upset or anyone....I give time and sympathy. If I'm ever upset (since he's been on setraline and had mental health) he is indifferent to my feelings or if I'm upset or even our children.

OP posts:
ButSheSaid · 06/09/2025 10:27

No one has been unkind on the thread.(that I can see?) We can only go by the information provided.
See your GP, and if the relationship does not serve you, end it. Citizens advice bureau could help with information about rent/mortgage etc?

If neither of you are happy being in this relationship it would be best for your kids if you broke up and they then had two happy homes.

HotBathwater · 06/09/2025 10:27

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:22

No he just needed to drive to the event. He didn't disclose any details to me, mentioned it once and then on the cusp of going, by that point he gave more details on the morning of going but I had to take responsibility for the pet, would have been reckless to go.

Anxiety wise, he has mental health and it is taking its toll on me and so i have anxiety which has worsened due to it. Yes he managed to identify an event and drive to it but everyday tasks utility bills, essential planning for children, house maintenance, ensuring he has his bank cards on him, managing his money etc always involves me reminding and putting things in place and fixing things.

So stop doing it. Let him lose his cards. Focus on yourself and on improving your own MH. Which may benefit from no longer being in an obviously unhappy relationship.

MeganM3 · 06/09/2025 10:31

Sounds like neither of you are in a good place mentally at the moment. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Crying about this seems excessive and childish, I’d probably be a bit annoyed by that too. Hope you and pet feel better soon. Hopefully DH and DC have a nice day out and you can get some rest.

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:31

This is very true and completly agree with it. But he has mental health and is on medication and since then he is like this, even with our children. My anxiety has been worsening since then as it's like he can't function 100% and i have to think for him. I don't know if this is the medication. He has said that he feels he has brain fog every day but I've noticed when emotions are involved he can't read them.

OP posts:
Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:33

I'm not crying about the event. I think I've worded it so wrong. It's a multitude of factors, snowballing.

OP posts:
Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 10:36

I know, your right but I know it he loses or fixes go wrong he will come to me and then I will stress, its a viscious circle since his mental health declined. He doesnt listen since mental health and medication and things go wrong even when i prewarn and envisage this is going to happen. Then ...i fix it. This is not how it's always been by any means and obviously on here is the most negative side to a relationship shown.

OP posts:
SnappyOchre · 06/09/2025 10:42

Kindly, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said this could be hormonal. Perhaps you should just rest on it for a few days and see how you feel about it then.

YetanotherNC25 · 06/09/2025 10:47

OP, the PP’s are being kind. They’re telling you that your responses are not healthy for you and you need to see your GP.
Sometimes people dont want to accept that they need help and see it as others being unkind but it’s not.
You need to reach out for some help. It’s not fair on your or anyone else around you for you to be this upset at home. Regardless of how well or not you’ve explained things, it’s really clear that you can’t continue feeling like this.
Your DH is taking the kids out which is a nice thing. Try and do something that helps you feel better whilst they’re away.

beetr00 · 06/09/2025 11:09

@Preachscreen

"So my partner is going out today with my children to an event, he didn't really mention what it entailed"

You didn't know where he was taking your children? That seems strange.

Do you think he deliberately didn't tell you, knowing you wouldn't go?

If his mental health is so poor that it's having an adverse effect on you, how do you think this is impacting your children too?

You sound as if you're almost at rock bottom @Preachscreen, he is a grown man and doesn't need to be parented by you, let him get on with it, you've enough on your plate.

I do agree with other posters though, you need support instead of just struggling on.

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 11:20

Thanks. I didn't know the details. He vaguely told me but then he is like that about everything. His siblings have got frustrated with him as he isn't clear with them and doesn't reply 'he forgets' so difficult to plan things until its imminent.

I've told him he's affecting my mental health, he just admits he is struggling, feels vague and like hes got brain fog but nothing changes just repeats. I've advised he goes to the GP again but he doesn't seem to have an intention to. It's triggering anxiety through the worry. It's just strange he doesn't react when someone is upset or reacts oddly, willaugh in situations and not read it. I don't know if this is medication induced as this was definatly not him and I would never have to think all the time on his behalf and worry. Agree about children, try and hide this from them but children aren't silly, although he has on one occasion gone off in the car for a drive and I have had to take one to look for him. I said this will never happen again as I'm fully aware of the emotional impact family dynamics can have on children. He just thinks everything is fixed with a matter of fact sorry or a love you text

OP posts:
GRex · 06/09/2025 11:23

You're still blaming your partner for you having a meltdown about him taking the kids out. You need to speak to a GP, your reactions are the problem here not his.

Willquery123 · 06/09/2025 11:25

The day out sounds normal to me. DH might say he's taking the kids to London / a zoo / his parents etc.

No more details. And if I had a sick pet I'd stay home too.

But I think this is so much bigger for you than one day out.

Preachscreen · 06/09/2025 11:30

It is and I think my post isn't clear just rambly

OP posts:
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