Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with a sulky husband

34 replies

theyoungishman · 06/09/2025 04:01

We had a silly argument this morning about who was going to make coffee. It ended up being another argument about mental load. We both work full-time although I am currently taking one day's carers leave a week to look after my terminally ill Dad. We have one tween daughter.

I feel like I do a lot around the house and I would like both my husband and daughter to pitch in a little bit more. When I broached the subject he immediately got defensive and shut down the conversation and accused me of 'bringing this up again'. I told him the reason I'm bringing it up again is because it still hasn't been resolved no matter how many times I've raised in the past! I made a list of what we each do in terms of jobs and responsibilities but he refused to even look at it. I remained calm and never yelled at him, just asked to to discuss as an adult.

I make all of the dinners from scratch, make lunches for everybody, do all of the washing, take care of anything to do with my daughter e.g new clothes, decluttering, school things, appointments.. I also do all of the meal planning and shopping multiple times a week for food and household stuff.

The agreement we had initially was that he would take care of the outside jobs and I would take care of the inside jobs but I think there is much more to do inside! Plus a lot of the time I actually help him with the outdoor things like gardening, cleaning cars- and I could count on one hand how many times he's done either of those this year.

So I know I'm not being unreasonable in asking for this but his argument has always been- as part of my job I have to travel for work probably 4 X 2 week trips per year. During these times he's solely taking care of our daughter- activities drop-offs pickups etc- even though I do prepare all of the meals beforehand for the freezer and get as much as I can done to help him out before I go.

But each time we argue he throws this back in my face and says well you're away for x amount of weeks per year -so basically he thinks he should have to do less at other times because I'm away for work at times and it's 'all on him'.

I'm standing my ground but I'm starting to wonder if I am actually being unreasonable in what I'm asking of him? He's stormed out of the house in a huff without saying goodbye or telling us where he is going

OP posts:
Lighttodark · 06/09/2025 04:20

Ok, so if he did nothing for 8 weeks a year to equal the 8 you are away, there’s still 36 weeks of the year to split 50/50. What a dickhead.

Briningitallin · 06/09/2025 04:24

You are not unreasonable. He’s a lazy sulky arse. I feel extremely indignant on your behalf. How dare he expect someone else to cook, shop, clean wash his clothes, etc., and then get the hump when he’s asked to pull his weight.

What you should do is stop being his servant. Actions speak louder than words. You’ve tried talking to him and it gets you absolutely nowhere. Change tactics.

woolshop · 06/09/2025 04:25

I wouldn’t be worrying about leaving meals prepared and doing extra for while you are away so he can understand how much extra you are doing all the weeks you are at home.

MySweetMaggie · 06/09/2025 04:27

I wouldn't make meals for him for when you are away, or stock the fridge. Also, get a cleaner and stop doing the outside jobs with him.

You are caring for your terminally ill father and obviously overloaded and need some support. You husband isn't going to be that person to support you unfortunately, but you can cut back on your demands on yourself and just let things be average for your daughter when he is in charge. Maybe lower your standards a bit just for now while you are dealing with such a huge event in your life. I'm so sorry about your Dad.

Original poster
theyoungishman · 06/09/2025 04:31

Thanks for the responses so far. We do have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight which is great but I do the in between cleans and keep on top of things daily. The cleaning is not so much an issue as the day-to-day household running meal planning and shopping etc.

The reason I leave meals when I'm going away is mainly so my daughter still has nutritious food to eat and I feel better about doing this for her. If it was just leaving my husband on his own there was no way I would meal prep all of these things

OP posts:
Briningitallin · 06/09/2025 04:39

I understand you wanting to look out for your daughter. On a day to day basis, there are things you do for him, which you can stop doing. His washing for example.

BCBird · 06/09/2025 04:39

Stop the bulk meal.prep for when you are away. He has got no idea what life is like for you if he can simply fetch something from the freezer. Your daughter will be fine for 2 weeks. Yiur husband needs to do more. Give yiur daughter some responsibility.

MustardGlass · 06/09/2025 04:39

Sounds like he could go away for the equal amount of time as you and you wouldn’t even notice.

beachcitygirl · 06/09/2025 04:46

Just stop. Honestly, he’s an arse, but do you even have a bloody backbone? No wonder men still think they can get away with this crap. I hope to god you don’t have sons.

JillyGiraffe · 06/09/2025 04:55

I’m not sure what to suggest with DH, but if you’re not going to get any help, change the cleaner to once per week - it will make a big difference to the daily cleans.
In terms of food shopping, can you do that online? You can create lists or even click a button to add all of a previous order to your basket which would save so much time! If you shop at Tesco, ask the driver to bring it in to your kitchen - they don’t have bags, so you don’t want to have to unload it all in to the hallway and walk to and from your kitchen with all the items. Cooking wise, find quick/under 30 mins recipes. Maybe some one pot meals and nothing complicated. Change some of the veg to frozen mixed veg. No mashed potato, have boiled new potatoes and throw in some butter and dried herbs at the end. Just make everything quick! Batch cook when you can. I’m sorry about your dad OP, big hug to you x

JillyGiraffe · 06/09/2025 04:59

P.s. you’re definitely not being unreasonable. And I agree with PP’s - don’t cook for when you’re away anymore. Husband will need to make meals and daughter will be fine!

Cooking ideas:
Prawn stir fry
Chicken, lemon, courgette, sweet potato tray bake and throw in spinach to wilt at the end
Stews/casseroles with bread
Omelette

NarnianQueen · 06/09/2025 05:05

I’m guessing you also leave him instructions about where your dd needs to be, what time to pick her up etc…

2catsandhappy · 06/09/2025 05:45

If the man says it is 'all on him', well, let it be 'all on him'.
No more batch cooking for dh.
It reminds me of a BBQ. The man waves his tongs over the grilling meat and getting all the praise and compliments. What a hero. The woman has planned, bought and made multiple dishes to be near invisible.

He is getting arsey because he knows he is taking advantage of you.
Doing a job for 8 weeks a year is not an excuse to not do it again.
Don't doubt yourself @theyoungishman

thelovelyview · 06/09/2025 05:50

Don’t do his washing or cooking or anything else.

Zanatdy · 06/09/2025 06:05

He is completely unreasonable. Just split all indoor and outdoor jobs down the middle and tell him he can pay to outsource his jobs. Pretty sure he will be doing the bare minimum when you’re away, and like you say you’re cooking for them before you go. Sorry but I couldn’t live with someone who thought it was acceptable for me to do all the cleaning, i’d feel so much resentment for him and that would of course bubble into my relationship with him.

BellissimoGecko · 06/09/2025 06:11

Your h’s way of dealing with things is really unhealthy. To get defensive, sulk, and storm out is really unhelpful and even abusive.

Is he 5? You must be able to deal with problems and talk about them in an adult way, or your relationship is doomed.

btw he is VU. He is a lazy arse who should be pulling his weight.

Original poster
theyoungishman · 06/09/2025 06:19

MustardGlass · 06/09/2025 04:39

Sounds like he could go away for the equal amount of time as you and you wouldn’t even notice.

This is so true

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 06/09/2025 06:20

I think you need to revisit the indoor and outdoor jobs for a start. That is just too simplified and means you are doing the bulk of the work. I mean what happens in Winter hen there is not much to do outside?

Indoor jobs are constant.

You need to take a step back and do less things. He will soon notice if things affect him more. It’s the only way!

Original poster
theyoungishman · 06/09/2025 06:23

Thanks for all the comments and replies. I'm definitely considering the best way forward. I'm not going to back down on this, so it's a good sense check to hear everyone's feedback.
I sometimes do think my life might be simpler if we separated but they're a bigger things to consider such as I would need to likely find a new job if we separated as I wouldn't be able to do the travel which is required for mine. Not to say my job is more important but just something pretty huge to consider

OP posts:
curious79 · 06/09/2025 06:24

Stop meal prepping. Stop doing half the shit you’re doing. And hold your daughter to account for doing more - from her own laundry to cooking.
and yes he will storm off and get arsey because why would he want this status quo disrupted?!

Original poster
theyoungishman · 06/09/2025 06:24

I need to raise the division of jobs again which was how the argument started in the first place. If he refuses to even entertain the idea then that says a lot for him I guess. Of course he doesn't want to change if he's benefiting

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 06/09/2025 06:24

Stop being a doormat for him. Let him cook and wash his own bloody clothes.

Abthdust · 06/09/2025 06:30

Here are all the jobs. It is not possible or desirable for you to do them all. Outsource (or cost up) everything you can (I discovered you can outsource laundry: I don’t do it all the time but it was a game changer). Use meal boxes for food to outsource planning and shopping; divide up cooking. Have you cleaner once a week. Cost up a gardener and (say) a day of handyman time a month. Tell him and tell him how much it will cost. If he doesn’t want to do it himself it’s not fair that you do it, so this is the price.

BadActingParsley · 06/09/2025 06:36

It probably would be simpler if you separated. Presumably all he’s doing is helping pay the bills. Can you manage financially.

frozendaisy · 06/09/2025 06:36

So you said “your turn to make coffee” and after an argument which basically amounted to “me man you woman” he stormed out of the house?

He has it easy and knows it and doesn’t want it to change. If he won’t listen and you want him to do more then you need actions or in your case non-action.

What would he do if you announced you would no longer be thinking about, buying items or making his lunches? Or only make your own coffee in the morning? His work clothes - his problem, same with his shower gel, razors etc.

Just slowly chip away at things.

And stop helping his minimal jobs.

Teach tween how to cook, once a week something easy to begin with, tell them both if it’s not in the laundry basket it won’t be washed.

If you really want to rock the boat, this is the sort of thing I would do, you could say something along the lines of
“It’s 2025 not 1955 I work full time having a penis does not mean you can’t do basic household tasks to contribute to all the work that needs doing for this house and our daughter, you think you are some Demi God with a golden knob that means you are just incapable of cleaning clothes or cooking a meal, it’s just boring, tedious and increasingly unattractive”

My H works full time and then some, but he doesn’t get out of being a dad, if he’s finished for the day and so am still in the kitchen or whatever he helps because he wants us both to relax in the evening.
Our teen boys do more than your H they are fully aware that when they move out they won’t have some female looking after them. They have had to be taught some things but they make us coffee now, can tidy and hoover the front room before friends come round, change beds, cook.

You could just ask him
“do you think I am here to be your domestic slave? Or everything our child needs is entirely down to me?”
see what he says, what are his expectations? At least then you would know and make a decision on what you are prepared to put up with from there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread