Dealing with a sulky husband

[theyoungishman]

We had a silly argument this morning about who was going to make coffee. It ended up being another argument about mental load. We both work full-time although I am currently taking one day's carers leave a week to look after my terminally ill Dad. We have one tween daughter.

I feel like I do a lot around the house and I would like both my husband and daughter to pitch in a little bit more. When I broached the subject he immediately got defensive and shut down the conversation and accused me of 'bringing this up again'. I told him the reason I'm bringing it up again is because it still hasn't been resolved no matter how many times I've raised in the past! I made a list of what we each do in terms of jobs and responsibilities but he refused to even look at it. I remained calm and never yelled at him, just asked to to discuss as an adult.

I make all of the dinners from scratch, make lunches for everybody, do all of the washing, take care of anything to do with my daughter e.g new clothes, decluttering, school things, appointments.. I also do all of the meal planning and shopping multiple times a week for food and household stuff.

The agreement we had initially was that he would take care of the outside jobs and I would take care of the inside jobs but I think there is much more to do inside! Plus a lot of the time I actually help him with the outdoor things like gardening, cleaning cars- and I could count on one hand how many times he's done either of those this year.

So I know I'm not being unreasonable in asking for this but his argument has always been- as part of my job I have to travel for work probably 4 X 2 week trips per year. During these times he's solely taking care of our daughter- activities drop-offs pickups etc- even though I do prepare all of the meals beforehand for the freezer and get as much as I can done to help him out before I go.

But each time we argue he throws this back in my face and says well you're away for x amount of weeks per year -so basically he thinks he should have to do less at other times because I'm away for work at times and it's 'all on him'.

I'm standing my ground but I'm starting to wonder if I am actually being unreasonable in what I'm asking of him? He's stormed out of the house in a huff without saying goodbye or telling us where he is going

1. Don't make lunches for anyone during the week and don't cook at the weekends.

1. Put a laundry basket in your dd's room & training her to be responsible for her own washing.

1. Ditto with washing her own dishes & any mess she makes then she's responsible for clearing up. So what should left is his mess for him to clean.

1. Wash your own clothes and leave his for him to sort out.

1. Make a meal plan with the ingredients already in the house and just buy what's needed. If anything runs out then it'll have to go on the next online shopping delivery. You don't run to the shop to replace anything.

1. Your dd's costs should be taken from the joint account, she's his dd as well so he should pay for half.

1. Start running down the batch cooked food in the freezer now so the lazy shit will have to cook to feed his own daughter.

1. Christmas is coming up so only do the bare minimum, he'll have to shop & cook for his own family (if they're invited for dinner). Review the trips etc that you booked last year & just book half, if he wants the full experience then he's got to book & pay.

1. Split your dd's Christmas gift list in half and you're each responsible for your own half. Same for her birthday, do not be guilt tripped into bailing him out; he needs to feel the pain if he fucks up.

He's an arse. Lazy, rude, disrespectful.

Is there a way you can look after yourself, and NOT him?

Don't do any of his laundry. Don't cook for him. Don't do any of the millions of micro jobs for him.

How old is your daughter?

The resentment would ebb away at me, please take control and change things, he's getting it all his way and he knows it!

It doesn't have to be like this. Let him sulk, and get on with your life.

Don't meal prep and don't do his washing. Drop anything you do for him. Don't put away his things, just put them on his bedside table fir him to put away.

And don't help him with outside jobs.

And men say "the divorce just came out of nowhere "

Just stop - doing his washing, cooking from scratch, cleaning the bathroom etc. Do something nice for you with the time saved. Maybe he will wise up when he finds he has no clean underwear and no meal miraculously appears on the table.

My DH does a lot of the ‘outside’ jobs but also cooks most dinners. I clean, shop and do most of the laundry.

He deals with his side of the family - that has been my big win as he comes from a family where the women seem to do all that.

I am quite capable of standing my ground. Clothes dumped on the floor got thrown in his wardrobe not washed. That sorted that problem out.

Your division of labour is unfair and you need to stand your ground and get him told. I don’t respond to sulks - he would be ignored if he was my DH and his clothes would be left in the laundry basket.

I'll never understand men who expect their partner to help earn money for the family full time, yet don't expect to go 50/50 on household stuff. If they think that's a "woman's job" then surely they should also think earning the money is a "man's job". Could you afford to go part time? That would also free you up for your dad more. Alternatively just stop doing all the housework!

He’s not a husband, he’s a second child.
I’ve no idea why your boundaries are so poor that you put up with this. You’re teaching your DC that women do everything for men. How is that helpful?
Your job isn’t a barrier to separation, your DH will have to look after his own child whilst you work. Agree that in the divorce and don’t compromise on your career or earning potential for a man who doesn’t lift a finger to help you.
Your life will be significantly easier when you eventually realise you have to separate. You’re doing everything anyway, you just won’t have a sulking man child around to annoy you.

id stop doung his washing & cooking for him. Id just outright refuse.

Why wouldn't you be able to travel if you separated?