Is this normal behaviour from soon to be ex?

[AmIlosingitorwhat]

I'll try to get straight to the point because frankly if it wasn't for the internet I'd be speechless. And yes, I have changed my username so as not to die of embarrassment.

Husband of 15 years decided this summer that we are probably done, citing my emotional 'instability'. Just for background, I've had postnatal depression twice in the last 8 years and suffer from anxiety. We've continued to live together as he's never actually bothered to have the difficult conversations of how a separation will function and pretty much continues as normal, the only difference being he sleeps in the spare room.

Here's the AIBU, he announced on Wednesday that he was having a vasectomy this morning. I'm laughing as I type that just so that I don't actually lose my mind. My reaction was WTF? We're right in the middle of this totally f'ed up situation where I haven't even fully got my head around the fact that my future is looking pretty bleak, pretty loveless and pretty lonely or even how I will manage alone with my children as he's taking steps to make sure he doesn't impregnate someone else???

I mean, great, yeah, responsible behaviour if he were fully separated from his wife but we're not even there yet. Is this just completely insensitive from him or AIBU? Just to be clear, my issue is not that he's being responsible about fertility, it's that it feels like a totally insensitive and emotionally manipulative thing to do right at this moment in time. It just feels like a giant FU to me.

In the interests of fairness, I will share his defence. Apparently, he requested the procedure 'ages ago' and 'no, there is no one else' and he has no interest in a new relationship. Which makes me ask, why, and why now???

Answers on a postcard please.

He doesn't want anymore children, so why not now? Why aren't you taking control and deciding how your future will look? Your children will grow and you don't have to be alone, or lonely.

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like he's getting ready to date again and taking steps to ensure he doesn't have any more dcs.

If he requested it ages ago I wouldn't expect him to cancel it just because you've split up.

What would be the point?

I donr see the issue he is making a choice with his body just like woman are encouraged to do

I couldn't imagine it going down well if a woman wanted to have an operation and the man said its not a good time

I suppose the issue is he's already thinking about being with someone else while I'm still trying to come to terms with the end of my marriage. It feels insensitive, that's all.

I wouldn't bother analysing what he's doing and why. Don't let it occupy your headspace: it'll drive you crazy.

Your priority is your life and next steps.

The relationship is over. Forget psychoanalysing what he's up to. You'll drive yourself mad and get nowhere.

So presumably 'ages ago', means before he decided he's done with me, in which case, as his partner, why wasn't I even consulted?

I get the timing isn't great but he has no control over when he gets sent an appointment he asked for ages ago.

What feels emotionally manipulative about it to you?

He doesn't need to consult you if he's decided he doesn't want any more kids.

That's his decision.

And to be honest, he would be less likely to if he felt he wanted to end the marriage.

Yes it does seem insensitive but at least you won't have the heartache of seeing him with dcs with someone else.

It's his body

I assumed you’re not still sleeping together? In which case it’s weird he told you, just like
it would be weird if you told him you’re off to get the coil fitted. You guys need to cut the cord.

I imagine he is probably an insensitive mean guy though and I bet the pnd and anxiety are his fault and you feel better once you shake him off

I don't think it's weird to tell the person you're co-parenting with that you've had an operation.

Especially as we don't know how old the kids are.

Unless your post is some ironic thing ypu are being a man for pnd? And anxiety? Can woman cause it for men or does it work only one way?

He might not be thinking of that. Maybe he just got to the top of the waiting list. (I had one many years ago, and had to wait a few months).
However, I can fully understand why it feels like really bad timing. Good luck for the future.

Because he'd made up his mind. Living with someone who has PND, or anxiety etc isn't easy. He'd decided that he didn't want to go through it again. Either way it would split you, so he's made his decision.

Well I guess it's like putting up in lights that he doesn't want me but he will want someone else, which, yeah, is obvious, but it hits hard, especially when you've barely got your head around it.

I get how you're looking at it because your emotions are obviously raw.

But it has nothing to do (at this stage) with wanting someone else, and everything to do with not wanting more children.

I guess that's just not logical to me right now. To me, thinking there's a risk of having more children comes from wanting someone else.

But he will eventually want someone else if you're splitting up, and you probably will too at some point in the future.

But he doesn't get to choose when he receives a letter with his appointment.

I’m sure it’s hitting really hard because of the current situation and the fact that nothing has been decided about how either of you move forward now or what the timeframe looks like. But I wonder if the separation has thrown some of his feelings into sharp relief and he’s deciding that he only wants to be responsible for the children that he has and not bring any more life into the world, given the inherent emotional, physical and financial complexities involved when a couple who share children separate. I don’t think it’s being done with future relationships in mind - in fact it could arguably make his dating pool smaller when potential future matches know that he cannot father any further babies.

I do see it is as a sign of responsibly, of things hitting home, but I can totally see how it feels in light of how uncertain things are at present. But equally I don’t think he needs to ask your permission or tell you that he is doing it - given how things stand - I think the fact he is telling you can only be a good sign, he’s being honest and transparent, and hopefully that is how he will continue to act as the dust settles and decisions start to be made. And by the way, you can take those decisions yourself, you don’t need to wait for him. You can take control, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You can give him a timeline, you can set out expectations. I wish you all the best.

Edited because I forgot how to use paragraphs.

Bless you OP, it must be hard living with him after he wants to end your marriage.
Focus on yourself and let him continue with his journey. Try and get control of this situation, this will give you strength. Your future will not be bleak!

Did you want more children? If he had talked about it ages ago, how did that discussion go?

i can only advise to get over it. Same thing happened me. I wanted 3 kids. Xh wanted 2. He got vasectomy after 2. It affected me. But i got over it. Him being an absolute shit anyway meant i divorced him.

If you want more kids then … but sounds like you have worse issues. Move on if you can :-)