Is this normal behaviour from soon to be ex?

[AmIlosingitorwhat]

I'll try to get straight to the point because frankly if it wasn't for the internet I'd be speechless. And yes, I have changed my username so as not to die of embarrassment.

Husband of 15 years decided this summer that we are probably done, citing my emotional 'instability'. Just for background, I've had postnatal depression twice in the last 8 years and suffer from anxiety. We've continued to live together as he's never actually bothered to have the difficult conversations of how a separation will function and pretty much continues as normal, the only difference being he sleeps in the spare room.

Here's the AIBU, he announced on Wednesday that he was having a vasectomy this morning. I'm laughing as I type that just so that I don't actually lose my mind. My reaction was WTF? We're right in the middle of this totally f'ed up situation where I haven't even fully got my head around the fact that my future is looking pretty bleak, pretty loveless and pretty lonely or even how I will manage alone with my children as he's taking steps to make sure he doesn't impregnate someone else???

I mean, great, yeah, responsible behaviour if he were fully separated from his wife but we're not even there yet. Is this just completely insensitive from him or AIBU? Just to be clear, my issue is not that he's being responsible about fertility, it's that it feels like a totally insensitive and emotionally manipulative thing to do right at this moment in time. It just feels like a giant FU to me.

In the interests of fairness, I will share his defence. Apparently, he requested the procedure 'ages ago' and 'no, there is no one else' and he has no interest in a new relationship. Which makes me ask, why, and why now???

Answers on a postcard please.

This may sound harsh as you are in the thick of it... but i mean this kindly...
Why do you care? Why are you letting his actions affect you so much? Why does he get to.decide that you are no longer in a relationship but will continue to live together with him in thr spare bedroom?

You're not happy. The set up now is not conducive to you or your children being in a happy, loving home. So now it is time for you to make decisions for you and rhe kids as the only focus, just like he has made decisions that benefit him.

Go and see a solicitor, don't tell him anything. See where you stand. Get copies of paperwork about finances, mortgage, earnings, pensions, contact universal Credit if benefits may be something you are eligible for. Inform the school/nursery so they can support the kids because they will have picked up on more than you know.
Focus on you and the kids... not him! You deserve better and if your child was in your situation you would tell them to get out.

@PollyBellof course a man can cause anxiety and pnd in a woman, look at all the risk factors, so many of them are to do with lack of support and abusive relationship
im sure abusive women can also cause men to have anxiety and depression, yes, but I wouldn’t say so in the perinatal period when the imbalance of power is so flipped

He’s probably telling the truth that he asked for the operation a while ago, although it sounds as if he didn’t discuss that with you beforehand which given you will have thought you were happily married at the time seems odd, so I can see why he is still going ahead with the operation.

I can see why you feel he has been insensitive but I suspect he checked out of the relationship long before he said anything so is probably further along the road to having sex with something else.

Bit of an odd thing to tell you given you’re separated. Maybe he’s trying to be responsible and is considering that he doesn’t want anyone else going through pnd? I don’t like his accusation of ‘emotional instability’ at all.

However, your main focus should now be physically separating and making decisions on where everyone’s going to live/finances/custody.

I would be pleased. Any future kids he might have would suck time, attention and resources away from your shared children. It’s better for them that he takes definitive action now to ensure that doesn’t happen. You need to shift your focus away from him and towards your own future so you can start taking steps to building something better for you and your kids.

Look at the positives. Your children aren’t going to have any half sibilings and therefore a reduction in the amount of child maintance going to you.

Where are you up to with the practicalities of the seperation?

While it’s shitty that he’s been thinking about a split for months, maybe years, things will be a lot simpler for you and your kids without half siblings in the future. He could be one of those people who love bomb step kids but that sort of thing often lasts as long as the relationship with the mother.

He started the emotional detachment from you a very long time ago. It’s not fair that he’s miles ahead in that but you can get to the point where you won’t care about him too. Don’t tell him when he’s pissing you off for not showing consideration for you any more. If he’s a dick then he will love that you are still hung up on him and do it more.

To be fair, he’s probably been waiting ages.

Im sorry you’re upset though.

Yeah, thanks everyone, think I do need to think about my future more than what he's doing. For those asking why he even bothered to tell me, try living in a house with someone who clearly has issues 'down there.' (we have a 3 year old). Wish I'd have been afforded the same kind of care after a forceps delivery, stitches and attempting to establish breast feeding, but hey, karma...