To be hurt and angry by DH's ungrounded accusation?

[RobinCymru8282]

Hello, long time lurker and first time poster here.
I really need some advice and suggestions please as I value the honesty and experience of Mumsnet users.
DH and I have been together for 3.5 years, married for 6 months. We do not live together due to family/work commitments. This would likely change within 5 or so years as children grow up. We always knew our marriage living arrangement would be this way for the short term due to commitments I have mentioned.
This morning, DH arrived to take me to a hospital appointment for a local anaesthetic procedure. Appointment was 12.30pm. He suggested he arrive to collect me at 11.30am but I had saud 11am please as I had worked back a d thought 90 mins more time to get to hospital, find a car park space, locate the correct ward etc. I have high blood pressure so wanted to stay as relaxed as possible before the procedure. He agreed 11am and mentioned he would do some work earlier that morning in a location between his house and mine.
So far so good.
This morning, sent his usual good morning text and I responded in usual manner. Took my dd aged 14 to school then returned home for some breakfast and played Solitaire to help keep me calm.
He messages at 1.56am to say hes out waiting in the car and I reply saying I'd be out in a tick.
When I got in the car, I told him politely I thought he'd have come to the house. He then said that "I was keen to let him know I wanted him there for 11am and no earlier". He then said he'd arrived at 10am and had sat outside and said he was thinking, I could go to him! I was flabbergasted at this as this was furtherest from the truth. I said I'd said 11am as I knew he was working earlier and to give him time to get from A to B esp with traffic being busy. He said then that this is not what I made it sound like. I was very upset that he'd insinuated he wasn't wanted and I got very worked up before my procedure.
Long story short, procedure went smoothly but I am astounded that he said this...and not just because it was when I was on my way to a hospital procedure! He had ample time to tell me he felt this at an earlier date but did not.
I will say, I have noticed that the change of seasons from summer do have a negative affect on his mood.
I have also noticed tgat he can get "funny" if it seems like I'm spending more time than usual with my children or messaging other people on WhatsApp more than him.
I am also far more of a hands on parent with my 2 daughters than him with his dd. Note, his dd has learning needs and stays with him for 2 weekends each month. I do not set this arrangement and I actively encourage him to talk more to his dd and even his ex re his dd's progress but he feels the least contact he has with his ex, the better. I disagree though esp when it comes to his dd's progress etc!
(All the above he would vehemently deny though).
So.....very long story....I need to know, AIBU in feeling utterly hacked off with DH attitude? BTW there was no apology or remorse for what was said nor for making me clearly very upset in run up to my procedure?
Or...AINBU given the Times were organised before hand. He had suggested an even LATER pick up time so I dont get where this is coming from atall if I'm totally honest!
Thank you to all who got this far and thank you for your honesty x

The whole basis of the relationship is unworkable. So getting on your high horse about somebody waiting in a car is a very minor in the grand scheme of things.

I think you may have bigger fish to fry than your current issue regarding the lift to hospital.

To me it sounds like a complete misunderstanding that had no (practical) consequences whatsoever, and that you are making a much bigger deal of it than needs to be made - probably because you were anxious about your procedure. Move on.

People's comprehension skills on this thread are not very good, yes there was a typo in the OP and some extraneous detail but what's she saying is having agreed with her DH to meet at 11 (a time she felt was considerate of his schedule and other commitments), he actually got to her house at 10am, an hour earlier than agreed, and instead of coming in to the house and having a cup of tea, or taking himself off for a coffee, or had some quiet time listening to the radio in the car, or one of the many other options a normal person would take, he's instead got himself worked up into stew and had a sulk about being ignored or excluded by OP who was sitting in her house not even knowing he was there, on the basis that he has interpreted 'pick me up at 11 please' as 'you are welcome to be in my presence at 11am and no earlier', i.e. Treating him as a taxi service. That's the AIBU.

OP sadly I recognise this pattern, it's something people (I won't say men although I think men are much much worse for it than women) do when something significant happens in the life of their partner / spouse, a 'big day' (can be a positive thing like getting a qualification or a award or a negative thing like a medical procedure or something else scary), anything where all the focus should be on their significant other - they engineer some kind of quarrel over a trivial misdemeanor or injury done to them by said significant other, so that instead of playing the supporting /backseat role they get to be all upset and sulk and then get their important feelings soothed and all the attention back on them. All the better if their partner can't understand what they're supposed to have done wrong as this can feed into the quarrel without them having to actually explain themselves. The partner then is of course upset and spends the whole day walking on eggshells and trying to make amends, OR gets cross and has an actual go, and then the 'hurt party' gets to sulk and play the victim even more, either way it carries on until the day is fully ruined.

Charitably I don't think it's a conscious decision to act this way, I think it's often a maladaptive way of coping with anxiety or feelings of inadequacy, like they're conscious they're not able to be the kind and supportive spouse they feel they should be on these big days, or they're inadequate in comparison to their other half's big achievement and thinks everyone will know it and be judging them, and so they pre-emptively ruin the event in a way they can later internally explain away as someone else's fault...it's bloody selfish and wearying to live with as the other half though, and frankly once it's set in as a pattern I don't think it often changes, and the bigger the event the worse the behaviour often is. It's awful not being able to look forward and rely on your life partner for support at these times. I think YANBU OP but you probably need to take a good look at your relationship generally. If he's usually wonderful and kind I'd write this one off as both of you being anxious about the operation and miscommunicating as a result but if he makes a habit of accusing you of things you never intended, particularly at times when you actually need him to be the calm and supportive one then that is not healthy overall...

Why on earth did you marry this awful man, who you don’t live with and hardly ever see? Especially with him being significantly less wealthy than you. He’s going to take half/more than half of what should be for your children.

This all sounds very dramatic, we only have your version it sounds like this will continue unless one of you does something

It’s really weird that you’re married but don’t live together

Youre making a mountain out of a molehill!!

OP, you have learly made a mistake marrying this man.
You have identified different parenting styles and that he is controlling and moody with you.

For goodness sake do not ruin your childrens childhood by moving him into your home.

He very deliberately caused stress before your procedure.
He wants your focus on him alone.
Read up on covert narcissism...it may ping with you.
Oh, and listen to your gut, its trying to warn you.

😂 she’s having a procedure which my lovely husband would insist he drove me to. We’re not all martyrs

This is all mad . Being married, not living together and hardly seeing each other. Seriously what's the point?

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Im so relieved that you "get" what i was trying to say..despite rather awful typos and presentation. I was literally home a few hours after my procedure and all the emotion I had was just spewed onto my origonal Mumsnet post.

I have bookmarked your response and I hope this is ok? Your words gave me such a lot of strength and hope.
Thank you again for your advise to what was a confusing post. I appreciate this greatly xxx

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Im so relieved that you "get" what i was trying to say..despite rather awful typos and presentation. I was literally home a few hours after my procedure and all the emotion I had was just spewed onto my origonal Mumsnet post.

I have bookmarked your response and I hope this is ok? Your words gave me such a lot of strength and hope.
Thank you again for your advise to what was a confusing post. I appreciate this greatly xxx

Thank you for these wise words. They have given me such a sense of relief and hope...its basically not me going crazy after all...
You are so correct in regards to my mistake in marrying him. I think i was still raw after the breakdown of my relationship with my girls' father and truth be told, I was quite vulnerable and poss still grieving the relationship. I was also flattered and poss relieved that I was not "on the shelf" as I thought I'd always be (yes, stupid and vain, I know!).
Yes, I will look up covert narcissism. It seems like you understand my situation poss better than I do.
Thank you again for your candour, advice and support xx

Thank you for these wise words. They have given me such a sense of relief and hope...its basically not me going crazy after all...
You are so correct in regards to my mistake in marrying him. I think i was still raw after the breakdown of my relationship with my girls' father and truth be told, I was quite vulnerable and poss still grieving the relationship. I was also flattered and poss relieved that I was not "on the shelf" as I thought I'd always be (yes, stupid and vain, I know!).
Yes, I will look up covert narcissism. It seems like you understand my situation poss better than I do.
Thank you again for your candour, advice and support xx

The comprehension skills on MN are worrying at times. One typo and everyone loses all sense of inference and deduction.

Your husband sounds like a drama queen. I'm guessing he's unhappy with your living situation, but is terrible at communicating the actual issue, so starts a fight over nothing? He sounds exhausting.

We can all make mistakes, we are human.
Clever people don't think they can't fix a mistake.
You are clever.
You know this is off.
You know he is not right for you and your children.
You can fix this.
Believe in yourself.
Trust your gut that is trying to protect you.
Get well first, then deal with him.
Thank goodness you are NOT living with him.