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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and angry by DH's ungrounded accusation?

67 replies

RobinCymru8282 · 05/09/2025 18:13

Hello, long time lurker and first time poster here.
I really need some advice and suggestions please as I value the honesty and experience of Mumsnet users.
DH and I have been together for 3.5 years, married for 6 months. We do not live together due to family/work commitments. This would likely change within 5 or so years as children grow up. We always knew our marriage living arrangement would be this way for the short term due to commitments I have mentioned.
This morning, DH arrived to take me to a hospital appointment for a local anaesthetic procedure. Appointment was 12.30pm. He suggested he arrive to collect me at 11.30am but I had saud 11am please as I had worked back a d thought 90 mins more time to get to hospital, find a car park space, locate the correct ward etc. I have high blood pressure so wanted to stay as relaxed as possible before the procedure. He agreed 11am and mentioned he would do some work earlier that morning in a location between his house and mine.
So far so good.
This morning, sent his usual good morning text and I responded in usual manner. Took my dd aged 14 to school then returned home for some breakfast and played Solitaire to help keep me calm.
He messages at 1.56am to say hes out waiting in the car and I reply saying I'd be out in a tick.
When I got in the car, I told him politely I thought he'd have come to the house. He then said that "I was keen to let him know I wanted him there for 11am and no earlier". He then said he'd arrived at 10am and had sat outside and said he was thinking, I could go to him! I was flabbergasted at this as this was furtherest from the truth. I said I'd said 11am as I knew he was working earlier and to give him time to get from A to B esp with traffic being busy. He said then that this is not what I made it sound like. I was very upset that he'd insinuated he wasn't wanted and I got very worked up before my procedure.
Long story short, procedure went smoothly but I am astounded that he said this...and not just because it was when I was on my way to a hospital procedure! He had ample time to tell me he felt this at an earlier date but did not.
I will say, I have noticed that the change of seasons from summer do have a negative affect on his mood.
I have also noticed tgat he can get "funny" if it seems like I'm spending more time than usual with my children or messaging other people on WhatsApp more than him.
I am also far more of a hands on parent with my 2 daughters than him with his dd. Note, his dd has learning needs and stays with him for 2 weekends each month. I do not set this arrangement and I actively encourage him to talk more to his dd and even his ex re his dd's progress but he feels the least contact he has with his ex, the better. I disagree though esp when it comes to his dd's progress etc!
(All the above he would vehemently deny though).
So.....very long story....I need to know, AIBU in feeling utterly hacked off with DH attitude? BTW there was no apology or remorse for what was said nor for making me clearly very upset in run up to my procedure?
Or...AINBU given the Times were organised before hand. He had suggested an even LATER pick up time so I dont get where this is coming from atall if I'm totally honest!
Thank you to all who got this far and thank you for your honesty x

OP posts:
Childanddogmama · 05/09/2025 19:47

There are so many things that don't make sense here... maybe OP will clear things up!

EverybodyLTB · 05/09/2025 19:47

This all sounds deeply unpleasant, why on earth did you marry this man and put half your assets at risk?

Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 05/09/2025 19:50

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2025 18:23

Sorry I don't really understand what happened
He arrived early but waited in the car and then you got yourself wound up?

Thank you to all who replied so rapidly, I really appreciate this.
Sorry there are too many replies to respond individually too and I'm not sure how to do it anyway. Ill try and be as clear and open as I can in response...

Yes it was a typo...10.56 meant. My error, sausage fingers.

Yes, the hospital strongly advised a lift or patient ambulance due to surgery nature. Dh offered to collect and return me.

Yes, the living arrangement is unconventional, possibly wierd to some. Dh was very keep to marry and I was rather mentally bruised following a break up from my daughters' father. I admit, not the best reason to accept a marriage proposal...

No, we do not see each other that much but I try to maintain the qt we do spend together. Today going to hospital, being an exception.

Tbh, it was more the accusatory tone in his voice that got me upset. This was after details and arrangements being spoken over the phone. It was like I was only wanting him there from 11am and no earlier and this wasn't true. I was made to feel that I did not want him there any sooner and this was not the case. It was very unsettling on the way to a procedure.

Yes, parenting stye obs is not relevant
I only included that to try and juxtapose the 2 different approaches but you are correct, not relevant to my issue.

Yes, I believe the marriage is something to question now. We are far too different.

Its difficult as nobody in mumsnet knows my living situation so I have now realised i need to seek guidance from a trusted friend f2f eho is aware of whats going on.

I want to thank all who responded on Mumsnet and were so honest x

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2025 19:59

Oh dear OP
sounds like you married by mistake, try to remedy that if possible

NinaGeiger · 05/09/2025 20:08

I'm surprised people can't see the problem.
To me it seems like he picked a fight over nothing when you were on your way to have a procedure at the hospital which you were anxious about.

It was slightly confusing but I guessed the typo with the time - you suggested he come earlier than he had suggested, but he took that as "don't come any earlier than 11am" and was uppity about it, even though he'd made it seem he was happy to do his own thing beforehand.

NinaGeiger · 05/09/2025 20:13

I may well be completely over-identifying with you but it reminded me of a time I had just got back from a funeral and was ok but tired and sad and my ex-boyfriend picked a very weird fight with me.
Sometimes men don't like not being the centre of attention and sometimes they resent the women in their lives being ill.
Very happy to acknowledge I could be totally misinterpreting things though

DeeKitch · 05/09/2025 20:15

Is he controlling and gets snotty when set boundaries?

I hope all went well x

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/09/2025 20:19

Yes, the living arrangement is unconventional, possibly wierd to some. Dh was very keep to marry and I was rather mentally bruised following a break up from my daughters' father. I admit, not the best reason to accept a marriage proposal...

But you say you were with him for 3 years before you married so it hardly seems like you rushed into a marriage on the rebound @RobinCymru8282 ?

Bernadinetta · 05/09/2025 20:26

jonthebatiste · 05/09/2025 18:42

Why couldn’t you drive yourself? I don’t expect my DH (with whom I live) to drive me places. If I can’t drive for any reason, I’d take a taxi - he’s not my chauffeur especially on a work day. Mostly he’d offer to drive but it’s such a mundane boring thing to do I mostly decline the offer (and doesn’t happen often because I can look after myself).

Because she was having a procedure at the hospital? And felt anxious about it.

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 20:29

One thing for an Uber driver to arrive early and hang around but quite another for a husband.

You arranged what time you were leaving. Surely the most natural thing for a husband or wife to do is go into the house when they arrive and have a cup of tea, have a chat and then leave at 11am

I would say there is a huge problem.

Is he trying to avoid you deliberately at other times.

I think 5 years is a long time to wait before you move in together

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 05/09/2025 20:46

Is he trying to avoid you deliberately at other times.
Or would he not be allowed on the house without express invitation?
@RobinCymru8282 does he have a key or would he knock and wait?

fishtank12345 · 06/09/2025 10:18

NinaGeiger · 05/09/2025 20:08

I'm surprised people can't see the problem.
To me it seems like he picked a fight over nothing when you were on your way to have a procedure at the hospital which you were anxious about.

It was slightly confusing but I guessed the typo with the time - you suggested he come earlier than he had suggested, but he took that as "don't come any earlier than 11am" and was uppity about it, even though he'd made it seem he was happy to do his own thing beforehand.

Yes, child like weird attitude.

fishtank12345 · 06/09/2025 10:18

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 20:29

One thing for an Uber driver to arrive early and hang around but quite another for a husband.

You arranged what time you were leaving. Surely the most natural thing for a husband or wife to do is go into the house when they arrive and have a cup of tea, have a chat and then leave at 11am

I would say there is a huge problem.

Is he trying to avoid you deliberately at other times.

I think 5 years is a long time to wait before you move in together

This

MargaretThursday · 06/09/2025 10:31

TeenToTwenties · 05/09/2025 19:19

OP said 'for 11'
She meant 'no later than 11, to leave at 11'
The DH took it to mean 'Arrive at 11, no earlier'.

Miscommunication. Needs sorting for future.

Yes, that's something that me and dh think differently.

I say "appointment at 11:30, takes 30 minutes max to get there, parking's an issue there so I want to leave time to realise the parking is blocked and park elsewhere, and I'm not totally sure where in the hospital I'm going, so give 15 minutes to find it. I want to be in the car at 10:15 at the latest."
I'll probably end up leaving by 10:00.
I'd rather be half an hour early than five minutes late - having grown up in a family that was always late.

Dh goes: "Appointment at 11:30, shouldn't take more than 20 minutes at that time because I once did it at midnight and it only took 18 minutes/google says 20 minutes and the fact it's rush hour is irrelevant. Five minutes to get from the car to the appointment is loads. So if we leave by 11:05 we have huge amounts of time and appointments are always running late so it doesn't really matter."
Then on the day he works until 11:10, then needs to go to the toilet, put his shoes on, fetch a jumper, go back into the house to change his reading glasses for his driving glasses...

So I now don't tell him appointment time. I say "I need to be at the hospital that morning, so we need to leave the house by 9:50."
So when on the day he finishes work at 9:55 and then needs to go to the toilet, put his shoes on, fetch a jumper, go back into the house to change his reading glasses for his driving glasses, we still leave around about 10:15.

TY78910 · 06/09/2025 11:11

Meadowfinch · 05/09/2025 18:40

You wanted him there for 11. He arrived, I presume at 10.56. I don't see the problem.

You were on time. Your procedure went smoothly.

Why does it matter if he sat in the car? Maybe he felt you would be calmer on your own. Maybe he was listening to the cricket or reading the news. Does it matter?

Yep. And as I understand this he would arrive at 11am to leave for the hospital.

So him arriving at 10:56 would mean your expectation was he comes in for 4 minutes to go back to the car? I’m with DH on this - there was no point. He said he will come at 11:30, you said you wanted him at 11 to get there early enough. If I was him I would understand it as - 11am, you get in the car and we drive. He did nothing wrong, it seems you weren’t ready on time but didn’t say ‘come in a minute I’m just running late getting XYZ’

SpeculatingRooks · 06/09/2025 11:26

TY78910 · 06/09/2025 11:11

Yep. And as I understand this he would arrive at 11am to leave for the hospital.

So him arriving at 10:56 would mean your expectation was he comes in for 4 minutes to go back to the car? I’m with DH on this - there was no point. He said he will come at 11:30, you said you wanted him at 11 to get there early enough. If I was him I would understand it as - 11am, you get in the car and we drive. He did nothing wrong, it seems you weren’t ready on time but didn’t say ‘come in a minute I’m just running late getting XYZ’

Show quote history

He got there at 10am and sat outside. Then got the hump and said OP said he wasn't allowed to be earlier so he had sat there feeling hurt. When she didn't even say that

FeedingPidgeons · 06/09/2025 12:01

Hmm. Why was he so keen to get married?

Hopefully I'm way off the mark here but is he significantly less wealthy than you, OP?

Poppinjay · 06/09/2025 12:03

So he suggested a later arrival time and then was upset because you asked him to arrive by 11.00. He then pretended that you had communicated an instruction not to arrive before 11.00 and martyred himself by arriving early and sitting in the car outside. You were probably supposed to notice him sitting there and rush out to apologise.

He gets angry if you give your children or friends more attention than he thinks you should.

This sounds like the beginning of an abusive/coercive controlling relationship to me. Gaslighting and isolating the victim are both classic starting points.

Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 06/09/2025 22:50

NinaGeiger · 05/09/2025 20:08

I'm surprised people can't see the problem.
To me it seems like he picked a fight over nothing when you were on your way to have a procedure at the hospital which you were anxious about.

It was slightly confusing but I guessed the typo with the time - you suggested he come earlier than he had suggested, but he took that as "don't come any earlier than 11am" and was uppity about it, even though he'd made it seem he was happy to do his own thing beforehand.

Thank you NinaGeiger, I'm just so thankful that at least one person fully gets what upset me yesterday. I'm sorry my message was confusing in parts, but I think my mind had so much to say and my texting fingers could not keep pace!

Thank you again, you have restored my faith in my sanity. Best wishes xx

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 06/09/2025 22:50

Thank you NinaGeiger, I'm just so thankful that at least one person fully gets what upset me yesterday. I'm sorry my message was confusing in parts, but I think my mind had so much to say and my texting fingers could not keep pace!

Thank you again, you have restored my faith in my sanity. Best wishes xx

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 06/09/2025 22:54

Poppinjay · 06/09/2025 12:03

So he suggested a later arrival time and then was upset because you asked him to arrive by 11.00. He then pretended that you had communicated an instruction not to arrive before 11.00 and martyred himself by arriving early and sitting in the car outside. You were probably supposed to notice him sitting there and rush out to apologise.

He gets angry if you give your children or friends more attention than he thinks you should.

This sounds like the beginning of an abusive/coercive controlling relationship to me. Gaslighting and isolating the victim are both classic starting points.

Thank you, yes, that's it in a nutshell. Thank you for summing it up so well.
I feel so much better that you have 'got' what I was meaning in my rather rambly and confusing message.
After a night's sleep and time to reflect, I now realise how toxic the "relationship" can be with his moods and his little digs and expectations.

Thank you so much for understanding and validating I am not going mad x

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 06/09/2025 22:55

FeedingPidgeons · 06/09/2025 12:01

Hmm. Why was he so keen to get married?

Hopefully I'm way off the mark here but is he significantly less wealthy than you, OP?

Thank you, yes, that's it in a nutshell. Thank you for summing it up so well.
I feel so much better that you have 'got' what I was meaning in my rather rambly and confusing message.
After a night's sleep and time to reflect, I now realise how toxic the "relationship" can be with his moods and his little digs and expectations.

Thank you so much for understanding and validating I am not going mad x

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 06/09/2025 22:59

NinaGeiger · 05/09/2025 20:13

I may well be completely over-identifying with you but it reminded me of a time I had just got back from a funeral and was ok but tired and sad and my ex-boyfriend picked a very weird fight with me.
Sometimes men don't like not being the centre of attention and sometimes they resent the women in their lives being ill.
Very happy to acknowledge I could be totally misinterpreting things though

Thank you, yes "uppity" and "picking a fight" are right on the nail. Im so glad at least some people have got what upset me.
Im so glad that bloke is your ex too.
Thank you for both your sage comments Nina xx

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinCymru8282 · 06/09/2025 22:59

Thank you, yes "uppity" and "picking a fight" are right on the nail. Im so glad at least some people have got what upset me.
Im so glad that bloke is your ex too.
Thank you for both your sage comments Nina xx

OP posts:
MrsBlobby64 · 06/09/2025 23:00

Eh?? Okay will read again...
Eh??? Lost me..