Should I wish my ex a happy birthday via text??

[Pinkfuzzyoctopus]

Hi guys,
I broke up with my long term partner three years ago. It was not an amicable split. He was a narcissist. He was a master gaslighter and controlled me. He had two affairs. He would call me awful names, tell me I was worthless, convince me I had said things when I hadn’t, make me cry and laugh and walk away, shout at me in front of the kids, the list goes on! I tried to stay friends with him but he remained verbally abusive and sent awful texts to me. It’s his birthday soon. I have sorted things for the kids to give him, I haven’t bought him a card but should I send him a text wishing him happy birthday? I really don’t want to but I don’t want to seem like a bitch. Thanks in advance.

No.

No. Just ignore it. You're not a bitch, you're his ex and it would not be appropriate.

No, of course not.

If you sorted something from the children I.e a present or a card then imo you’ve done your bit and I wouldn’t send him anything “personal” you don’t owe him anything.

Absolutely not.

You've kindly sorted things for the kids, what benefit will it have for you if you message happy birthday to him personally?

Definitely not.

What have you done for the past 3 years?

For years I have been a people pleaser because it keeps the peace. I try to avoid conflict and I worry he will start an argument if I don’t wish him a happy birthday. He still tries to control me.

No.

Your moral obligations are more than satisfied by arranging something from the children.

No it’s not required. Keep away from him and only txt when its to do with kids. U owe him nothing and he deserves nothing.

"I tried to stay friends with him but he remained verbally abusive and sent awful texts to me."

Re-read this to yourself when you need confirmation that you aren't a bitch by not sending a happy birthday message!! Some people aren't worth the headspace. If the kids are sorted with something that's sufficient.

Does he message you on your birthday?

He still tries to control me.

In which case now seems like an excellent time to set boundaries.

You just need to grey rock him about anything personal.

He can't start an argument if you're not listening.

If he says anything about the kids, respond in a factual way, anything else just ignore.

And when u are giving a present from the kids, buy nothing. Have them make something personal like a card or a picture or something, don’t spend a penny on him.

We used to buy each other a card. His birthday is before mine so this is going to set the standard if I withdraw from the card and text.

Cards but he has started with the abusive messages again so cards are stopping. I tried to remain friendly for the kids but he has made it impossible

Not only should you NOT wish him a happy birthday, you should spend time carefully examining why you are considering it. Have you had any therapy to work through your feelings about this relationship? Is he something of an unhealthy addiction for you? Is there a part of you that would rather receive negative contact from him than no contact at all? It is hard to disengage from an abusive relationship and it sounds as though you may be struggling.

What have you done the previous last few years?

Just get a card from the children unless they are old enough to get him a car themselves.

God, no!

I am struggling I won’t lie. I am going to look at counselling. I have hated being in touch with him but I try to keep the peace, I have always done this to avoid confrontation and conflict. If he texts I text back as I don’t want to get an abusive text asking why I’m ignoring him. Breaking the cycle is difficult. I know I will get over the hurt one day but getting there is difficult.

No. Have no contact outside what is necessary for co-parenting through one of the court approved apps.

Thanks everyone, you have been very supportive and helped me make my decision ❤️

Nope. Don’t give him any more power.
I get on well with my ex but I don’t do that. The kids are bought presents and cards to give him. He never acknowledges my birthday and stopped buying presents for the DC’s to give me a while ago. Neither of us are bothered.

No