What did your parents actually teach you?

[theprincessthepea]

AIBU to think that our actions are more important than what we say to our kids.

I’m sitting here wondering what my kids are learning from me based on how I’m living my life and what they see day to day.

You know the saying - do as I say, not as I do - but I know regardless of what I say, my actions also guide them.

On reflection I think I learned loyalty and work ethic from my mum - dad wasn’t around, so sadly I have learned that being independent is best, and to not rely on your partner too much. But although I’ve also learned what not to do from my mum, I think that her loyalty to her friends and family is something I don’t witness as much anymore - but something I secretly try to mimic.

Would love to hear from others.

What did you learn (or not learn) from yours?

Learnt:

• Insane levels of self belief/confidence
• Entitlement - not necessarily in a bad way
• Humour
• Accountability (from my Dad)
• How to stand up for myself (from my Mum)
• A love of books

Did not learn

• Niceness/kindness (they were lovely to me/my siblings, but kindness wasn’t a virtue they set much store by in general)
• Honesty (as above)
• Humility
• A work ethic

What did they teach me or what did I learn?

Never to trust a man.
That women are perfectly able to survive on their own.
My dm taught me:
How to redecorate, to grow fruit & veg.
How to make a low budget go a long way in terms of food, home decoration etc.
Good manners generally.
Good diction
A love of books
That hard work pays
The value of independence

I observed or experienced a lot I didn't want to repeat. My parents, especially my Mum, were absolutely fixated on what other people would think. I'm not. Neither of them ever talked about feelings and emotions, which I think is a shame. I think I'm a bit better at that. They were incredibly judgemental (as we didn't say in the 1960s/70s) and talked a lot about others behind their backs. I observed this and could never see how it squared up with their Christian faith, which I also didn't inherit. I hope I'm not like that.

However, there were a lot of good things. They both worked hard, were scrupulously honest and utterly reliable. They taught me the value of good manners and being considerate of others' needs and feelings. They were not perfect parents by any means but they did a reasonably good job overall and I know they loved us. We laughed a lot at home, and there was warmth and companionship. My Mum is a good cook and I learned a lot of the basics from her. They wanted us to do well in life and encouraged us to do well at school. They supported us through higher education and were delighted when we got our degrees and decent jobs to follow on. We knew they were proud of us, and that matters a lot.

Above all, they had a very strong and equal marriage. My brother and I have both followed suit. Some of that is luck, but I think it helps to have had a good example to learn from. We knew it was possible. Not everyone has that good fortune.

In the last few years they’ve taught me how not to do retirement - they are bored and obsessing about every little thing in an attempt to find some drama/excitement.

They taught me that who you are as a person is worth far more than what you look like, or what you weigh.

The gave me a solid work ethic.

They taught me that if you can't afford something you don't buy it on credit - you save up.

Morals, manners, kindness and love

Hardly anything really. I suppose they enouraged reading and my dad taught me to swim when we were on holiday in Spain when I was 4 but thats probably just because he was bored.

I've been wracking my brains trying to think of things but I don't think they taught me or my 3 siblings anything at all really. Too wrapped up in themselves.

How to be independent from a ridiculously young age.

My mum taught me to always have my own money and to always have a job ie never rely on a man.

my dad taught me to bite my tongue when it’s not worth the argument

That I couldn't trust them with problems or upsets and that I had to help myself, or nobody would.
How not to look after children (they would leave me with my siblings from a very young age)

Indirectly, how to cook, because I had to learn to feed the siblings.

My DM taught me in life you have many acquaintances but very few friends.

My DF taught me he would have loved me more if I'd been born a boy.

Dad who was an engineer taught me o level maths and the sciences, which I certainly wasn't learning at school. Also to ride a bike, swim, and how to do what was right rather than what was popular.
Mum, basic cooking, how to look after frailer family members and how to get stuff done rather than talking about getting stuff done.
Both taught me what to look for in a friend or a partner.
They would have liked to give me more confidence and a fuck you attitude, but I wasn't up for learning that until a lot later!

A very interesting question. My parents are quite different people so I would say I learnt quite a broad range of things from them, including;
manners cost nothing
treat others as you would want to be treated
the value of money
not to put things on finance
to learn to drive
to have aspirations
how to cook
how to maintain a healthy marriage (by doing the opposite to them 😝)
to appreciate my life, even when things feel bad

My mum in particular is such a kind human being and always brought me up to be polite and helpful so from a young age I’d always hold doors open for people and whenever someone didn’t say thank you my mum would say very loudly “it’s okay MrsR87, I’m sure that person meant to say thank you, they must have just forgotten”.
I also remember when I was a teenager we were just walking through town, she witnessed a man steal a purse from a pensioner’s bag and without a second thought, she just ran after this man, rugby tackled him to the floor and sat on him until the police arrived - she definitely taught me to not give a damn about what people think! 😍

That the only person you can truely trust is yourself because they always let me down.

To read

To cook

To sew and make clothes

To travel

That it’s fine to do things unconventionally.

To read

To cook

To sew and make clothes

To travel

That it’s fine to do things unconventionally.

Mum (died when I was 2) but I feel her warmth and love which I like to think comes out when I’m with my kids.

Dad

my job is to serve people
my job is to keep people happy
to not show my emotions
how to look like everything is ok
to question everything
that I am intelligent but defective
i am a slut
i am unlovable
i whinge
to call out bullies now that im older and can see them a mile off (my dad was one and i was to young and scared to do anything)
men drink a lot and fight to protect

yeah - its not that great. I’ve had to build my foundation with perseverance and grit. I don’t think it will ever be solid, but I do know how to keep getting up and trying again. I like to think it’s this perseverance and problem solving/always a solution approach is what I’ve instilled in my kids. Oh, and they will always have a home with me, no matter what.

That I need to look after myself and provide for myself.

How to people please

Same here.
We tried to do it differently with our DC.
Taught
A ton of random information.
Love of science
Love of reading
Hopefully a good example on relationships.
Financial awareness and money management.
Cooking and baking
Gardening
That you don't have to confirm

Failed to teach
Resilience
Self confidence - largely because we don't have any.

Yes, I would list this as probably my top lesson from my mother, and the one that has cost me most to unlearn.

Fear of authority, a suspicion of other people, a horror of standing out from the crowd in even the most innocuous or positive ways, like winning a merit based competition, or coming top in a school exam, never looking confident. I could go on.

From my darling mum -

• a work ethic of almost psychotic proportions
• that reading is both incredibly important and your greatest joy through life
• play by the rules, but make sure you know what the rules are and aren’t, and if you can pull strings for your family’s sake, do it
• that men are sweet and decorative, but children and siblings are essential
• how to feed your family well on a minimal budget

What she failed to teach me:
That travel is fun
To stay quiet about your own needs
To enjoy gardening.

From my dear dad:
music is essential

What he failed to teach me:
To gamble your family’s future with slick conmen

Work ethic. Looking on the bright side and making the best of things. How to kill and gut a chicken.

Wonderful question

Both of them taught me

Humility

Value of hard work

Generosity

Such important values

Lots, I'm sure, but things that spring to mind are:
Dad - how to be contented with a humble life; how to build flat pack cupboards, how to get to (insert destination here) - he had an incredible sense of direction.
Mum - how to make a bloody good Victoria sponge and how to fold towels really neatly.