What did your parents actually teach you?

[theprincessthepea]

AIBU to think that our actions are more important than what we say to our kids.

I’m sitting here wondering what my kids are learning from me based on how I’m living my life and what they see day to day.

You know the saying - do as I say, not as I do - but I know regardless of what I say, my actions also guide them.

On reflection I think I learned loyalty and work ethic from my mum - dad wasn’t around, so sadly I have learned that being independent is best, and to not rely on your partner too much. But although I’ve also learned what not to do from my mum, I think that her loyalty to her friends and family is something I don’t witness as much anymore - but something I secretly try to mimic.

Would love to hear from others.

What did you learn (or not learn) from yours?

From my mum (from her mistakes)

1. Don't ignore health issues and allow yourself to get morbidly obese and die from all the problems that arise from it
2. How to wash up and dry stuff properly (by not allowing kids plastic cups to get all mouldy like hers)
3. To not leave my husband for another man and tear my kids 100s of miles away from their family
4. How to make gravy (the one good thing!)
5. To be incredibly cynical about a lot of things
6. That men will just say what you want to hear

From my dad

1. How to be soft as shite
2. How to be a total pushover
3. How to be as nice as possible to people (while being soft as shite and a pushover)
4. To not ignore health warnings and drops dead at 39

Hard work pays.
Don’t settle for 2nd best.
Manners.
Stick up for yourself and have your children’s back.
Family loyalty (it is deserved).
Sense of humour.
Importance of friendships.
Save money where you can.

Lots really.

From my mother - how to be a loving mother. She was always there for me, nothing was hard, children were her priority. My sibling and I grew up feeling loved and secure.
My father - love of books, learning, engaging with the world. We watched news together when I was as little as 5, he would explain world events and treated me with respect. I think I got a lot of intellectual confidence from him.
Also they have had a loving relationship and I learned a lot about a good marriage. They supported me when I left my first (awful) marriage - but never meddled into my decisions.

To take shit of no one - stand up for myself
To help those who need it , even if it's to listen to someone struggling.
Never to lend money to anyone. Or to borrow money.
Build flat pack furniture. Most things I don't even look at instructions
To be independent and be confident in things like decorating , diy
No job is a man's or woman's - all equal. Dh and I do everything between us.

Mine taught me what a good marriage looks like. Which I think is the most important thing they could have done.

I learned about being content, nice to people, being honest and hardworking, helping other people and being calm and forgiving.

They taught me to read and write before starting school
Mother taught me to touch type as a teenager
Work ethic from Mother & Father who both worked well into retirement years
Honesty and integrity and morality
Not to abuse alcohol (looking back, mother had an alcohol problem and I've barely drank anything alcoholic in my life)

The one regret I have is that they didn't teach me self confidence - my lack of confidence, shyness, and lack of self belief has blighted both my teenage years and adult life.

Dad - Lots about plants, animals, farming, crops, culture , travel. He wasn’t all good but he did the best he knew how. He was an abusive husband so that took some
unlearning.
Step-mum - to be brilliant, ambitious, driven. To always yes to invites - I’ve travelled all over thanks to that and done all sorts. To be a pleasure to host. To get stuck in. To never be afraid of a challenge. So many sports. I’ll never be brilliant but I’m good enough. To be a good step-mum.
I don’t remember much about my mum but she taught me to read really young and I devoured books. And that is a real gift.

Postives :-
That i can do any thing i can put my mind to .
I am loved.
They will always have my back in public , even when I mess up .
How to manage money .
Good manners .
Negatives :-
An abusive parental relationship is extremely harmful and can affect long term mental health .
Infidelity causes anxiety and stress .
Not letting your child have freedom ( from fear of them making bad choices ) has the opposite effect .
Believing that your child will succeed at everything is a huge pressure .

Dad:
Travel broadens the mind
How to put up a tent
There’s value to be had in make do and mend, and thrift
Libraries are wonderful - embrace them.
laugh at the ridiculous
The importance of sunscreen - he had melanoma…

Mum:
don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results - like she did.
Don’t waste your weekend ironing.
Education matters - it’ll set you free.
Steer clear of payday loans

A mixture of lessons learned through teaching , and observing what not to do

Too much people pleasing, too little questioning authority.

Too little focus on health and wellbeing.

Too much martyrdom at the expense of their health and happiness.

Too much alcohol and gambling.

They did teach me to be polite and respectful, to have a strong work ethic, to be frugal, to get good value from things, to take care of others, to be cautious of anything that leaves a paper trail

My dad hated gossip. I always hear his voice saying "Would you say that to their face?".

Keep quiet, everything should be on a need to know basis
How to deal with various government agencies
Never to rely on anyone, especially a man
Hope for the best but plan for the worst
How to run a household full of kids on £2 and some buttons
How to make the best roast potatoes and yorkies you’ve ever tasted
Pay the rent and tax. All other bills can be negotiated
A moral compass
How to bathe and dress wounds, and to draw around the outside of an infection with a pen so you can tell if it’s spreading or not
There’s not much that a warm bath, clean bedding and an early night can’t make you feel a bit better about
Good manners
A love of books. I could read before I went to school.

How to hide things you really don’t want being found
How to spot old Bill from a mile away & never trust a copper
Never open the door to a bailiff, or leave any windows/doors open or unlocked. And they come really early, so if someone’s banging on the door at 6am, it’s them. Or police.
That people will fall for the most outrageous lies, provided you tell them with confidence (I don’t, but learned from a master)
Where to go to buy absolutely anything off the back of a lorry (I don’t, but I could)

As you might have guessed the two lists were from different parents.

I love this thread.

My mum taught me so much. Our dad was pretty unemotionally available, but was a good provider, but my mum done the donkey work bringing up me and 4 siblings.

Find the humour in everything.
How to change a plug
You can make a game with a couple of oranges, a plastic bag round the waist and a tap dance in shoes that are too big 🤣
As long as you have a stocked pantry with the basics, you can make a meal out of anything
Stand up to bullies
Do not doth your cap to anyone -you're just as good as them

God the list goes on. My mum is the absolute best.

Oh and my dad taught me to never end up with a man like him.

Work hard
Have manners
Respect your elders
No one owes you anything in life

They showed me what a good marriage looked like and how to care for each other.

They displayed a massive work ethic and how to live on very little.

My dad gave me a love of the land and showed me how to care for animals.

My mum was selfless in looking after others but also took time for herself away from the family several nights a week.

I was very lucky in hindsight.

To read and write before I went to school, to love books and learning.
To cook.
To see others as human beings regardless of skin colour, faith or social status.
To do cryptic crosswords.
To stand up in front of a large crowd of people whom I didn't necessarily know and speak (or read) loudly and clearly with an appropriate cadence.

If somebody hits you, hit them back twice as hard.

Same. Has actually been quite useful in the long run, not least in ensuring I deferred parenthood until I was emotionally and financially ready. Also a strong work ethic - not modelled by them, but as a way of becoming and staying completely independent as early as possible. Also a very clear idea of what to avoid in relationships.

I think my parents taught me

Being politically aware, and to vote - they are both Tories and all 3 kids are more left wing, but they don't care, they just want us to be engaged

My dad taught me how to be able to identify classical music genres and which composer wrote something

They both taught us to be curious and open minded, and to always be learning

Reading for pleasure

Value of serving your community - they were both local councillors and have been NHS non exec directors and school governors. I haven't done as much of that as I'd like but need to pick it up again

Mum: nothing....just humble, character-less, obedient, hard working but never taught me or engaged me in wisdom conversations
Father - to swim, to love the idea of marriage, to read and think what I am reading, to never trust anyone's opinion but my own, to be able to work with any manager, to not overspend, wine making, agriculture, driving and various machine and DIY projects
Brother - maths, art and what a good natured man is, because dad was chauvinist and bordeline abusive to our mother despite loving me and being gentle with me; so then I never chose the men which resembled my father but the ones who resembled my brother
Gran - just few basic cooking recipes. She was developing early dementia and was horrible in her wording, wanted to give me a bath when I was 16, lol and tell me how to eat or drink milk all this at me being almost 18, bless

I taught my daughters absolutely everything and they had very engaged childhood, hard work and study, not much hanging around town or sitting on a sofa

Mum
Life's unfair
It's never my turn
Her home had no place for me
To stay away from debt - by having a lot of it

Dad
Enjoyment of reading and hobbies
Some eats to live and some lives to eat
Joy can be found at home
Moderation in everything!
Work ethic
Poor people work hard but are not rewarded
That not recogising the flaws in the mother of your children is harmful to those children
You can't tolerate much more than you think (or should)

Both
Don't be aspirational
Stay in your lane
Lower expectations
Don't anticipate any support

Children are like ducklings, you can steer them in the opposite direction, but actions have a bigger impact than any advice.

Dad

That you should never go to bed angry.
That education is a privilege.
That if someone is rude to the cleaner, waitress, taxi driver etc. they're showing you that they're a twat and you should steer clear of them.
That when you shout people don't really listen, they just hear noise, if you want to get your point across keep calm.
How to stay calm and take charge in a crisis.
That manners are important, but you don't have to take shit from people.

Mum

That you can be a brilliant Mum and still be ambitious and embrace career opportunities.
That when it comes to friendships and relationships, you get out what you put in.
To steer clear of gossip and drama.
That you shouldn't fuck with your eyebrows- in the early 2000's when everyone was over-plucking like mad she convinced me to leave mine alone, and she was right.
To ignore other people's unsolicited parenting advice, because you're the expert in your own child.