Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me what I already know… (a LTB Situation)

30 replies

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 14:17

It’s time to LTB.
in various incarnations over the last twelve years I’ve posted on mumsnet about “D”H

He doesn’t work
He throws all my stuff away
wont let me have a glass of wine
he is constantly angry at me
forced me into an abortion several years ago that absolutely ruined me
wont let me sleep in my own bed
gets mad if I give him change instead of cash
wont let me buy things for DD
has thrown things in anger in the past
ETC etc

BUT
The icing on the cake.
He’s started calling DD a “dickhead” and “a little bitch”
Ive called him out on it, and he’s just said “if she’s being a dickhead, I’m going to call her a dickhead” SHES FIVE!!! 😭😭😭
she swears in context at things and people and then says but daddy said it. “I’m so pissed at you” or “you fucking chicken” it’s actually sickening.

i don’t know how to get out of this. I will have to give him half of everything and I have literally nothing but the house which is shared ownership anyway. I’ve got absolutely no idea where to start and I just feel so sick and sad and scared. And I don’t know what to do. 😭😭😭

I know this is AIBU but please please be kind to me.

OP posts:
Generaltwat · 05/09/2025 14:19

All you can do is bite the bullet and get rid of him.

Once you've done the first step, the rest will be a breeze.

Good luck OP. Please do chuck him -he sounds dreadful. Think of your DD

Threepeaks2025 · 05/09/2025 14:19

Do you work OP?

CC222 · 05/09/2025 14:20

All these financial losses you’re worried about are a small price to pay to protect your child from childhood trauma! Please get rid of him. See a solicitor and see where you stand so you can start making a plan.
All this is doing is teaching her the kind of behaviour she should tolerate from partners when she grows up. Save her from this abusive toxic environment, please

SliceofTosst · 05/09/2025 14:21

You know what you need to do. Do you want DD to think this is the norm?

He's the dickhead. Just get rid.

Largestlegocollectionever · 05/09/2025 14:21

Can you not get women’s aid, police, social services, school involved?
Anyone who will help protect you and DD against this abusive man?

BauhausOfEliott · 05/09/2025 14:22

He's abusing you and your child and he always has been.

You've already stayed for far, far too long and for the welfare of your daughter if nothing else, you need to get out. She's not safe.

Have you contacted Women's Aid? They might be able to give you some advice. Citizen's Advice might also be able to give you some pointers on the housing situation.

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/09/2025 14:22

You know what you need to do, you just need to focus on getting it done.

It will be hard. But ultimately you are giving your daughter the greatest gift.

No house or amount of money will compensate for tolerating this kind of abuse.

Good luck.

Abthdust · 05/09/2025 14:23

You are married to an abusive arsehole. Scroll through the relationships boards -- there is loads of great advice on there. Look into the Freedom Programme. You might have chosen to put up with a bunch of shit, but you NEED to get out of there for your DDs sake. And it's OK to ask for and need help: no-one is saying it's easy practically, financially or psychologically. Take the help there is. good luck OP.

Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 14:26

Thank you! Yes I work. I have two jobs!

OP posts:
Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 14:30

Abthdust · 05/09/2025 14:23

You are married to an abusive arsehole. Scroll through the relationships boards -- there is loads of great advice on there. Look into the Freedom Programme. You might have chosen to put up with a bunch of shit, but you NEED to get out of there for your DDs sake. And it's OK to ask for and need help: no-one is saying it's easy practically, financially or psychologically. Take the help there is. good luck OP.

Thank you so much for this.

OP posts:
Qwickwit · 05/09/2025 14:32

Half of nothing is nothing, OP. I know "half of everything" feels unmanageable, but in reality if there's not masses to split you may not notice as much as you think you will, and if you are keeping DD with you (which I would push for based in what you have said!) He won't necessarily get 50% of anything anyway as it's based on need. Is the house in your name or joint names? Is he claiming UC if he's not working or is he sponging off you?

If house isn't in his name I would tell him to pack what he can of his and leave, get the locks changed, and that you will arrange return of any other belongings that are his/agreed in court at a later date by a neutral party. Speak to a solicitor or women's aid, even if money is tighter, your daughter and you will be happier, I promise.

Threepeaks2025 · 05/09/2025 14:32

What is stopping you from getting rid of your DH?

Nessiesfoodprovider · 05/09/2025 14:34

Your future self will thank you for taking the decisive step and leaving him. Even if you end up with not very much, it's got to be a better quality of life for you and your daughter than being continually emotionally and verbally abused.
Be the best role model you can be for your wee girl. She deserves a happy mum and a happy home to grow up in.

ThejoyofNC · 05/09/2025 14:36

You don't automatically have to give him 50%.

Please OP just get rid of this monster.

cestlavielife · 05/09/2025 14:36

Get the divorce rolling.
You and dd can move into a small flat one bed

Endofyear · 05/09/2025 14:42

It'll be worth a financial hit to get rid of him for good. The first thing you do is go and see a solicitor and get good legal advice. Then you fill in the forms and file for divorce. Keep your eyes on that light at the end of the tunnel - you will be free, safe, peaceful and happy and so will your daughter. Good luck OP, don't waste energy on regretting the past or worrying about the future. Just take it one day at a time 💐

Thundertoast · 05/09/2025 14:49

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Just think, you know when people say 'I'd do anything for my kids'
That time is now for you. You are being asked to do something very hard, and scary, but you are doing it for your daughter. Even if she cant recognise or understand it right now, or in 5 years, you are doing 'anything' for her by leaving. If she grows up thinking his behaviour is how she should accept being treated in a relationship you will never forgive yourself - you are doing this for her whole life. Her being upset at not seeing daddy as much right now is like a child getting upset you have taken away a bag of sweets thats rotting their teeth - you are doing it for her! You can do this.

Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 15:47

Thank you so much everyone it just feels so scary but you’re absolutely right

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 05/09/2025 16:06

Talk to Women's Aid. They are very helpful.

I also found my GP very helpful.

You can do this, OP!!! You're going to do to for your and your DD's health and sanity.

jeaux90 · 05/09/2025 16:12

JFC OP what an asshole. I was a lone for a long time and I can tell you life without the asshole in it is easier and more peaceful.

TheFlis · 05/09/2025 16:21

You have to get rid as soon as possible for your sake and your daughters.

But if you work and he doesn’t, make sure he doesn’t try and claim he is your dd’s primary carer as that would give him an advantage in terms of the financial split and he could even try and claim maintenance from you.

Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 17:17

TheFlis · 05/09/2025 16:21

You have to get rid as soon as possible for your sake and your daughters.

But if you work and he doesn’t, make sure he doesn’t try and claim he is your dd’s primary carer as that would give him an advantage in terms of the financial split and he could even try and claim maintenance from you.

This is what I’m worried about I will literally lose everything
ill loose my baby and my house and everything 😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 05/09/2025 17:38

The Court will prioritise your daughter being properly housed so you will almost certainly keep the house

Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 19:44

JohnofWessex · 05/09/2025 17:38

The Court will prioritise your daughter being properly housed so you will almost certainly keep the house

thank You

OP posts:
Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 05/09/2025 19:45

JohnofWessex · 05/09/2025 17:38

The Court will prioritise your daughter being properly housed so you will almost certainly keep the house

Not if he argues he’s the primary caregiver

OP posts: