AIBU to be angry that my husband threw out a bunch of my things?

[Booklovingmummy]

I guess just that, he threw out a bunch of my things without permission and I am so angry and upset. It's bad enough he regularly throws away the children's things without considering their feelings but it feels like he's gone too far. He says he's always throwing stuff away and no-one notices (which isn't true they do). I don't trust him not to throw anything else away.

What was it?

YANBU. Throw some of his things out.

Why does he do this?
Is he very tidy and you're not good at chucking stuff out?
Maybe he doesn't like living in a mess.

Or could you just say to him that you're going to take articles that are no longer needed to a charity shop?

My uncle used to do this all the time to my aunt and cousins. They never felt safe leaving the house because he would just go through their stuff and throw things out. It is bloody rude and controlling.

Not that it makes any difference, your husband is outrageous doing that, but what were the things?

Bloody rude and controlling is right. Who the fuck does he think he is?

His behaviour is appalling and needs to stop, but it comes through in your post that you consider this much worse when done to you than when done to your much more vulnerable children.

I would not tolerate this in my house and would tell him that it stops or he leaves, but that may depend on your financial circumstances and whether you are safe to stand up to him.

Can you protect your children and their belongings?

Common tactic of abusive controlling men.
Educate yourself, it might ring bells for you.
Womens aid can be very helpful when you are confused.

This time it was just clothes and a bag, he's thrown away books in the past. I don't think it's worse for him to do it to me than when he does it to the children. It's equally bad but on the other hand he's their dad so I don't know how much I can go against that. I have told him to ask the children multiple times but he ignores me.

@Booklovingmummy throw away some of his items, give him some of his own treatment!

I grew up with a dad like this - it was infuriating. I do however have some sympathy for someone drowning in clutter - why does he do it? How old are the DC?

That's definitely controlling and abusive behaviour from him. It shows that he literally controls what 'stuff' is allowed to be kept by you and the DC's, and that he doesn't care at all how this affects you all !

It's definitely the wrong advice, but if it were me? I'd have taken a pile of HIS 'stuff' to the bloody tip !

Short term, can you get a locksmith to put locks on the bedroom or cupboard doors so that they can be locked when you and the DC are out of the house?

Long term, you really need to get organised to leave this relationship, as abuse and control like this won't ever improve, because he will never, ever view either you or the kids as being worthy of his respect or consideration. He will always, always see himself as your 'boss' and need to be the one in 'control' all the time, regardless of your views/emotions/needs/wants, and you/DC's will always be 'inferior' to him.

It depends on what he’s thrown away really.

I sometimes have to sneakily throw away some of my DP’s things but if not he’d become a bit of a hoarder.

Last month I threw or gave away some of his old clothes, it was mostly boxer shorts and some old trainers and t-shirts. He had bought lots of new things for a holiday and we just don’t have the storage space. They were over 10 years old and he hadn’t worn them for a long time and they didn’t fit or were tatty.

Other things I’ve had to discreetly give away or get rid of in the last few weeks include:
Some dog toys that someone had brought into his work months ago and he’d taken off their hands in case we (or someone else he knows) got a dog. We will never be able to have a dog!

A stack of about 50 lottery tickets that he’d already checked but insisted needed checking again one day.

Some ancient lighters when neither of us smoke and I have multiple long lighters for candles.

About 15 GU glass dessert ramekins - we still have about 6 left for if I make Creme Brûlée but he’d have just kept collecting them.

Empty aftershave bottles.

5 wooden chopping boards (when we have multiple others) that were given to his work as a promotion.

A broken foot spa that had been in the cupboard for 5 years given to him by an old neighbour.

Old Fitbit straps when he swapped his Fitbit for an Apple Watch 3 years ago and old phone cases for his previous phones that don’t fit his current one.

He has a terrible habit of picking things up that people have left outside their door for anyone to collect, most of the time it’s useless but because it’s free he will take it.
Lots of people offload unwanted crap to him because they know he won’t say no!

He brings awful ornaments, pictures and vases home from charity shops that don’t fit the decor in our house because they were cheap and might be useful or “good for presents”. He brought home a terrible gift set with cheap rose scented hand cream, soap and Talc a few days ago because it was 50p. He knows I wouldn’t use it and I wouldn’t want to gift it to anyone.
I keep it all in a bag in the cupboard then take it back to the charity shop so it’s a waste of money and time. I suppose it makes him happy at the time and he gets very excited about his “bargains”.

If I didn’t constantly keep on top of getting rid of his crap stuff then our small house would be full of clutter.

If your DH is doing similar then I can’t blame him, if it’s things you care about or actually use then he’s just being a dick. Have you asked why he’s chucking your things away?

Have you asked him why he does it? And, more importantly, why his opinion on what does and doesn't belong in the family home matters more than anyone else's?

Hmmm. I regularly throw away DPs clothes, things he’s not worn in years, things with holes or stains on them. He’s not got the brain capacity to sort through his own tatt so it really builds up. He does it with the kids toys, but that’s because I don’t have the brain capacity for that. I’ve never seen myself or him as controlling in those situations. It’s done with the intention of decluttering and not telling someone what they’re allowed to own.

Is he still hitting the children @Booklovingmummy

Just to follow on from my pp I do agree with comments that this behaviour is abusive and I don’t want to excuse or minimise what your husband is doing if he’s throwing away things you actually value.
I was giving my opinion from being on the other side of this in case it helps, now I’ve seen your update I definitely don’t think you are BU.

My DP is fully aware that I do clear outs and he knows I’d never throw away anything he values. He trusts me to get rid of things we don’t need and he knows he’s a bit of a hoarder.

Have you expressively told your husband how much this upsets you and your children? If you have and he doesn’t listen then I’d be looking closely at your marriage because this won’t be his only controlling behaviour.

I’d be annoyed as well. To my husband, they’re just things. To me, there’s an emotional attachment and I have to decide whether I want to hang onto them or not. Makes decluttering a lot harder!

Yes I feel the same and posted similar but it looks like OP’s husband isn’t just doing it to declutter and it does sound like his behaviour is abusive.

Why do men insist on keeping stained clothes with holes in though?! No one can blame us for chucking out rubbish.

I think what makes the difference is that we aren’t doing it with bad intentions and it sounds like OP needs to reevaluate her marriage because this is one of many issues.

He hasn't hit them in a while. He still insists he didn't hit them at all but they insist he did. I believe them. I made a point of saying how unacceptable it was but he got angry that I didn't trust him.

Why are you with this man?

That’s different, though. You both consent to it. OP has asked him to stop.

I don’t know about consent 😂 I do it and then inform him haha but yes, I think reading some of the other replies there are some bits that don’t sit right in this relationship

So he IS an abuser.
Poor children.

I throw out my husbands stuff because I do the majority of the cleaning, I'm not abusive in any way 🙄
He would keep every bit of clothing he has even bought, every tool, free gift, bit of shit that has ever come into his life if it was his choice.
Is your husband the main person to do the tidying/sorting?

FYI my sisters partner just went in a full on mood with her because she threw out a broken torch that has been in the drawer 2 years, she's also not abusive, just trying to keep ontop of the house.