MIL 'snubbing' our DD's clothing choices?!

[Sunrays22]

This may be a non-issue for some but my MIL buys and keeps a stash of clothes she's chosen and bought for my 4 year old DD at her house. In theory this is all lovely and completely appreciate MIL can spend her money however she chooses, however she lives over 2 hours away and my DD doesn't regularly stay with her (probably 4 times a year max) to the point I wonder if she's grown out of the clothes/toys by her next visit. I don't know why she doesn't send her home with them so she can actually get some wear out of them rather than for an occasional weekend?

We send DD in clothes and with a suitcase packed and she comes back having not worn what we've sent. MIL doesn't actually tell us what she needs/wants us to pack for DD so I've no idea what clothes she has there as if we had some idea it would save me the hassle of packing! The only way we have found out about the clothes is by photos sent to us of DD in new clothes which are then kept at MIL's house. I mainly feel like it's saying the clothes we send DD in aren't 'good enough' and it might just be me but I find it to be very controlling behaviour.

MIL also does this with a stash of toys and it's upset me as now my DD has got into the habit of asking if she can bring things back home because she's used to MIL keeping things there...

Is it just me or would others find this annoying too?!

I’m not really seeing the issue here to be honest , she’s caring for your child, giving you a break, treating her to toys and clothes she can use when there. You can just ask what would you like me to send. If money is tight and you want the clothes just ask. I don’t see it as controlling or a slight against you or about you, I’m sorry you feel it is about you , reading cold it is just grandparents caring for their grandkids.

I thought you were going to say she openly disparages your choice or buys new clothes and sends them to your house. If it’s at her house and she’s not demanding for her to wear the clothes all the time it’s a non issue. Stop sending her over if it’s annoying you so much.

I wouldn't find it a big deal, just her quirk that she likes dressing up her granddaughter. Did she have any daughters herself?

I only have boys myself, so can see that as a grandmother, the huge range of clothes available for little girls could be a novelty compared with the small range of clothes aimed at boys.

Yes, it is disappointing that your DD can't make use of the clothes, but unless I was struggling to clothe my child, I'd just let it go.

I can’t see anything wrong with this. She’s bought some outfits she likes that she wants to enjoy seeing her granddaughter wearing - which she wouldn’t if she sent them home with her where they’d just get jumbled in with all her other clothes and you’d probably not remember to send her over to MIL’s wearing the outfits she bought next time.

Honestly, it's not that a big deal, is it?

I don't know about clothes, but loads of grandparents keep toys at their houses for their grandkids to play with. Very normal.

My parents keep a stash of toys and games (although not clothes) at their house for when the grandchildren visit, which I've always appreciated.

I don't see it as controlling of your MIL to keep clothes at her house although I can see it means they don't get much wear. I think it's sweet 🙂 Out of interest did she have any girls herself?

I’d not stress about this at all. My MIL used to do this when mine were little. I used to put the girls in leggings and jeans and more ‘modern’ clothes, and she loved seeing in them in frilly dresses, which were not really my taste, but guess it was a bit of nostalgia from when she dressed her own kids in the 70’s/80’s. I mean who doesn’t love a bit of dress up with cute little kids? She’d always buy them dresses from Debenhams, and I’d put them in them to indulge her when we went round and she loved it. No big deal, I’m not offended if she doesn’t like my taste in kids clothes!

You could take the opportunity to butter her up by saying her much your daughter loves the clothes/toys at her house and were wondering if she would be able to take some home to get more enjoyment out them.

Yeah its a bit annoying but its her money and maybe this way she feels more connected to your child?

Why do you 'send' her, rather than go with her?

Surely that way you might get some idea of what clothes are in your MIL's house?

Either way, I'm sure it's nothing to do with your choice of clothes 'not being good enough', and everything to do with your lovely MIL enjoying buying clothes for the grandaughter she looks after.

My DC used to stay at their grandparents and my nans house when they were younger ans they all had clothes, toys and toiletries for them. We never needed to pack them anything for sleepovers

I see it as a complete none issue

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She lived in a different part of the country and we rarely saw her - once a year if that.
But one thing she did do was send regular, not frequent, parcels of clothes for my son from.when he was very small . She would send him clothing, having checked with me re sizing, and wee treats. And I would send her regular photos. My son loved getting these parcels from grandma.
So I think it's nice your MiL buys things for your Dd and it must give her pleasure to do it. But I think it's strange she doesn't send at least some of the things home with your Dd so she can get pleasure out of them, and also remember her grandma with them.

The toys thing is normal - almost all grandparents I know keep toys at their house for DGC to play with. The clothes thing is less normal. Some I know regularly buy clothes for DGC (including my DM and less so my MIL) but usually those are just to give to the child. It’s odd that she would keep clothes at her house and not just send you outfits she’s seen that she thinks your daughter would like. So I find it a bit odd but not overly interfering.

MIL doesn't actually tell us what she needs/wants us to pack for DD so I've no idea what clothes she has there as if we had some idea it would save me the hassle of packing!

Have you tried phoning and asking her?!

When my nephews came to stay when they were little, I dressed them in my boys clothes (exact same ages) so that my sister didn’t have any washing to do when boys went home. It was also cute when all 5 of them in similar/matching pyjamas.
My suggestion is that she’s trying to be thoughtful, don’t overthink it, just enjoy not having to wash a suitcase full of clothes!

Not a problem.
It is far better that toys do stay with Granny; it gives child something to look forward to.
It is Granny's money to waste and you don't have to wash clothing. Grandparents I know keep a few bathing suits, hats, jumpers and trousers for their grandchildren at their place.
They also send them home with washed clothing.

It seems a bit daft of MIL to buy clothes rather than use yours but I expect she enjoys buying clothes for dd rather than a snub. If she wants to go to the effort fair enough, also less washing for you.

Shouldn't be too difficult to explain to dd some toys stay at MILs and she has plenty toys here. Put it on birthday or Christmas list if she wants one for home.

It's 4 times a year - does it really matter?

Or even visiting the woman from time to time.

I think you misunderstand - when we visit her she doesn't dress my DD 😂 The 4 times a year when my daughter stays with her without us is when the clothing situation occurs, not a reflection of how often we visit 'the woman'

My mother does this as well. I’ve no idea why but I just leave her to it.

Randomly if we meet up she also always brings them a packed lunch in case I forget (I’ve never forgotten, so not sure why this is a concern she has).

Is the problem that you feel she looks down on your clothing choices? You feel judged? If so, so long as she isn't passing snooty comments on your clothes, this is your problem to deal with. Just be confident in your own choices and accept hers too.

However, I would personally have a problem with it if my mil/mum was dressing my DD like a doll. I appreciate some parents are okay with this and that's fine, each to their own. But I am raising all my kids in comfortable practical clothes which allow them to move in all directions and get mildly muddy without it being too obvious. It leaves them free to play. In my opinion, dressing children in frilly white dresses is dressing them for the benefit of adults (ooh aren't they cute), not for the child's benefit, so I would object to that personally. I'm not saying you have to!

Obviously at 4 yo your daughter will have opinions on her clothing, and if she is asking for frilly dresses despite understanding the restriction on movement/activity and the need to keep clean, then that's different. She's been neatly hemmed into her gender box already and nothing your MIL does at this point will have any effect I imagine.

It’s fairly normal to have a stash of toys for your grandchildren. Clothes it’s a bit weird, and seems to be crossing a boundary - playing mum almost. Doesn’t really sit right with neither. Maybe buy the odd cute tshirt, but not whole outfits.

However, if you’re dc returns with a suitcase if clean clothes, that’s less washing for you to do!

It’s strange you’re taking this so personally… but I expect more context would probably indicate why this is! With the information you’ve given though, I think you’re making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. I just don’t think this really matter in the grand scheme of things… plus it saves a bit of washing for you!

I've no idea what clothes she has there as if we had some idea it would save me the hassle of packing! The only way we have found out about the clothes is by photos sent to us of DD in new clothes which are then kept at MIL's house.

So what's the problem?

You can ask her during all your visits.

Lord, I think my MIL found this thread... 😂