MIL 'snubbing' our DD's clothing choices?!

[Sunrays22]

This may be a non-issue for some but my MIL buys and keeps a stash of clothes she's chosen and bought for my 4 year old DD at her house. In theory this is all lovely and completely appreciate MIL can spend her money however she chooses, however she lives over 2 hours away and my DD doesn't regularly stay with her (probably 4 times a year max) to the point I wonder if she's grown out of the clothes/toys by her next visit. I don't know why she doesn't send her home with them so she can actually get some wear out of them rather than for an occasional weekend?

We send DD in clothes and with a suitcase packed and she comes back having not worn what we've sent. MIL doesn't actually tell us what she needs/wants us to pack for DD so I've no idea what clothes she has there as if we had some idea it would save me the hassle of packing! The only way we have found out about the clothes is by photos sent to us of DD in new clothes which are then kept at MIL's house. I mainly feel like it's saying the clothes we send DD in aren't 'good enough' and it might just be me but I find it to be very controlling behaviour.

MIL also does this with a stash of toys and it's upset me as now my DD has got into the habit of asking if she can bring things back home because she's used to MIL keeping things there...

Is it just me or would others find this annoying too?!

What actually is the problem though?

She sees your DD as her little living doll to dress in pretty clothes?

My lovely DM keeps clothes, toys, books for both my DCs (and me!) at her house. She is 300miles away and it makes our visiting so much easier - we don't bother with a suitcase, just a small bag with what we need for the day of the journey and then hop on the train and she collects us at the other end. I really wouldn't take it personally. My DM has a different taste / style to what I buy my DDs (4yo and 18m) but its lovely to see them in the things she buys and they love having "special clothes" at Grandma's house.

Next time she stays either don't send a case if it's going to be unworn or call and ask what dd needs to take.
My dcs have toys at both parents houses I think that's normal

If any of my kids grandparents provided (presumably) free overnight childcare 4 x a year in a (presumably) loving environment with a 1:1 adult to child ratio, I would not care if they dressed my son in fairy wings and gave my daughter a yellow spiky hairdo!

I think you're over thinking this. She's just having a bit of fun dressing her grand-daughter up. Don't take it personally.

But you keep ignoring the question! Why don't you just ask her what clothes she has? That way you don't need to send your own versions. It's a perfectly reasonable question.

The toys at her house is completely normal. The clothes less so, but it’s no big deal. If anyone is controlling here, I think it’s you.

I find the clothes thing quite weird. Kids grow really fast and is totally wasteful to have a bunch of barely used stuff gathering dust at grandma's.

Its also very obviously a passive aggressive snub of what the DC is sent in. I'm guessing mum sends her in practical leggings & tshirts etc & grandma wants her in fussy expensive old fashioned dresses, and doesn't want to send them back with her for fear they don't reappear on the next visit.

My grandson stays at my house regularly, sometimes overnight, sometimes for a few nights. I have always had clothes and toys here for him. He turns up in what he’s wearing, sometimes brings a particular toy if he’s got a favourite or wants to show me something, and often takes things from here with him when he goes home. Each time he’s about to visit, I check that I have what he might need (socks, pants, pjs, t-shirts, outer clothes) and if not I buy them. His mum usually asks if he needs to bring anything specific, but it’s usually covered. She wouldn’t pack and send a suitcase with him knowing that I have stuff here, but then again we like each other and communicate.

Ask MIL what you need to pack

That's very simple and solves the problem

You're just looking for an argument

No, it’s not obviously a snub. Equally the OP could be sending them in frilly outfits and the PiLs want to do more fun stuff with them which requires more practical clothes?

My in-laws have clothes and toys at theirs that they’ve bought themselves. They’re 4, not 14, so they get a bit muddy on walks, get wet playing water games in the sink, even the occasional ‘accident’ if they get a bit too excited.

The PILs are buying the clothes and can donate them when they’re grown out of, so it doesn’t affect the OP financially at all.

Mine love having a different selection of toys to play with, it’s part of the fun of going to visit them. I am really struggling to see what the PiLs have done wrong here.

My MIL is lovely and looked after DS and/or DD a lot when they were little.

With DD in particular, she would often buy little clothes for her, just because she'd seen them while out shopping and couldn't resist them. They weren't always to my taste, but I took it as a kindness from her because she loves DD (and also loves shopping!).

I can absolutely see myself doing the same thing if I ever have grandchildren. Buying things for them must be one of the joys of being a grandparent, if you have the time and the money.

My granddaughter is 7 I’m involved in childcare minimum of 3 days a week. I keep some spare clothing but she has a mind of her own. She has developed her own style my grandson is the same. I only buy clothes they chose however when I send them home I never get them back so have to buy more. Do you think they do it deliberately 🤣🤣. We live nearby.

The toys I wouldn’t mind - my mum used to have a box of my old toys at her house that would come out when we visited with the kids and it was nice for them to have different things to play with, without having to pack a load of things to do. Clothes that are just worn at grandma’s are a bit weird though. How I reacted would depend how dd feels about it - does she enjoy wearing different clothes or would she rather wear her own?

No, it’s not obviously a snub. Equally the OP could be sending them in frilly outfits and the PiLs want to do more fun stuff with them which requires more practical clothes?
@Everlil Or possibly the complete opposite. OP sending her DD in comfortable, practical clothes and MIL wanting to dress her up in cutesy, girly stuff. Maybe MIL only had sons and sees her DGD as her chance to do all that.

The toy situation is completely normal.

I was quoting someone else who made the same assumption as you. I was giving the counter argument off the basis that nobody knows what the clothes are like so it’s purely conjuncture. Shame it usually defaults to the bad MIL trope, and you’ve also come up with quite the backstory!

My MIL has clothes at her house for our son, it’s not a case of dressing them up, it’s just practical to have a spare sets of clothes. That way we don’t need to bring anything. I’m not sure why the OP and her husband trust his mum with childcare, yet can’t seem to ask her simple questions like ‘why should I bring’?

Also, if my MIL wanted to keep a stash of dress up clothes at her house I really wouldn’t care!!

Ye Gods, why do people think they have to micromanage Every. Single. Aspect. of their child's life and the people they come into contact with, no matter how benign?
I cannot believe people have the headspace to over-think to such a degree, genuinely.
Do you like your MIL OP?

Shame it usually defaults to the bad MIL trope, and you’ve also come up with quite the backstory!
@Everlil

Ha ha, I suppose you're right! Just going from personal experience.

I loved late DMIL dearly but she did go a bit potty when DD was born. She had had three boys and was desperate for a little girl to play with. She bought DD a dolls house before she was two and I will never forget the mayhem caused by the mega 5000 piece beading set. Fortunately DD had her own way of playing with these things.

I wouldn't give this a second thought.

I have a load of toys/games here for my grandson. I also have certain clothes/shoes for just here as well, because everything I send back home with him gets lost/wrecked. The sort of clothes I keep here are wellies, hiking boots, wetsuit etc so not the sort of things his mother does with him, but we do outdoor pursuits together, that's my 'job/role'.

But in general, if I want anything kept decent/not ruined it stays at mine. His mum absolutely agrees with this and anything remotely breakable stays at mine e.g. microscope.

My mum used to do this when my kids were little - they'd come home looking like something from 1950 and usually pink ( which they hated!) found it annoying but glad I never said much because we usually got a 2 day break out of it! Let it go if u can OP.x

This is also a non issue to me. My mum always kept a stash of toys, clothes, wellies (including bikes and bike helmets) etc for when mine went to stay - with or without us parents. Most toys and all bikes were handed down from others or bought used. It was great - because they had 'their' stuff at Grandma's, there was no packing or washing for me to do when they came home. Mum also looked after my niece a couple of days a week and it was my sister who dressed niece smartly, and mum/Grandma who had a stash of practical clothes that she could happily get muddy in.

My parents have never once had my DC overnight in 14 years. Count yourself lucky.

@Sunrays22 This is a completely non-issue. Just count yourself lucky that you have a willing babysitter and a loving grandparent for your child. It can't be that much hassle to pack a small case for your DD and granparents having toys, clothes and the such like at their home is all perfectly normal. I suspect you dislike your MIL and are just looking for ways to find fault with her.

I think it's a lovely thing and I'd let her indulge dressing up her granddaughter as it's harmless. I found my late MIL pretty annoying but she absolutely adored shopping for clothes for DD, it brought her so much joy.

Don't worry anyway, DD has just turned 7 and all she'll wear at the moment is a matching Nike crop top and leggings, no rellies could persuade her otherwise. I'd love to see her in a grandma special tbh.