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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the funeral of my abuser? TW

30 replies

strawberrygold · 05/09/2025 10:33

I was repeatedly sexually abused by a man as a child and even as a 40 something year old it has always affected me, although I never reported it as I was too scared.

He wasn’t family or even known to my family but I have heard he has died and read details of the funeral.
I really want to go and see for myself he is gone and hopefully get closure from this but I don’t know any of his family and they don’t know who I am.

I’m not afraid to say if anyone asked me who I am or what I was doing there or how I knew him but I’m hopeful nobody would as I am sure I could blend in discreetly.

I’m in two minds about what to do, is it appropriate to go for my own personal closure?
I do on one hand hand think it’s inappropriate but then what he did to me was inappropriate but he didn’t seem to mind ruining my childhood memories but to be clear I’m not looking to ruin his funeral and I’m certainly not going to make a scene and this has nothing to do with revenge or anything apart from helping me to move forward seeing he is gone now.

OP posts:
TheseWordsAreMine · 05/09/2025 10:35

I would avoid.

You are likely to lose it at the eulogy.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:36

I wouldn’t go.

people there will have a different view of him than you and it’s not going to be easy for you to sit there and listen to how wonderful he was.

im sorry for what happened to you.

Pissenlit · 05/09/2025 10:38

Honestly, OP, I wouldn’t. Is it going to make you feel at all better to see his family grieving and hear a eulogy about how great he was?

I understand the impulse, I really do. I’ve considered tracking down the grave of my own childhood abuser just to go and look at it. But I wouldn’t attend a funeral to get closure when you may just be infuriated by people mourning a ‘good’ version of your abuser that you don’t recognise.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 05/09/2025 10:40

I definitely wouldn't do this.

myfitbitisfucked · 05/09/2025 10:40

I personally think that attending his funeral would be at best unable to bring you any sort of closure and at worst be hugely triggering and traumatic for you.
I am so sorry that you had to endure this.

noidea69 · 05/09/2025 10:42

When everyone is stood there talking about how great he was, that will be a horrendous time for you.

DuplicateUserName · 05/09/2025 10:44

I’m not afraid to say if anyone asked me who I am or what I was doing there or how I knew him but I’m hopeful nobody would as I am sure I could blend in discreetly.

Believe me, people will make polite conversation and ask how you knew the deceased.

If you turn up and make claims like that, (which to them would just be wild accusations that their loved one cannot deny/confirm etc because he's dead in the coffin), I would actually fear for your safety with all their emotions running high.

There's not a single way to look at this that would make anyone think this is a good idea.

Protect yourself OP and do not turn up at the funeral Flowers

Original poster
strawberrygold · 05/09/2025 10:44

Thank you for the replies, I think I knew deep down it wasn’t a good idea but needed to hear it

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2025 10:45

You are not being unreasonable to feel the need to make sure he is actually dead. But I wonder how it might affect you possibly hearing others say what a wonderful/caring/generous person he was, all the while knowing he was actually a monster. If someone asked who you were, would you be able to tell them you were a victim of his sexual abuse?
I believe you should think long and hard about what you might want or need from attending his funeral.

lazyarse123 · 05/09/2025 10:47

Definitely go if it helps you to move on. As a survivor of csa it wouldn't bother me to ruin the funeral if asked why I was there.

I suppose it wouldn't be fair to his family but neither was ruining your life. I don't think many people realise the lasting effect that this has on someone. I was 6 years old the first time and I am now 67, I can go years without thinking about it and then something will bring it up.
It's especially awful at the moment with the grooming gangs being on the news (I wasn't involved in that), but hearing it mentioned constanly has me back in a bad place. Dh kept talking about it and I had to tell him to stop,he did and apologised as he hadn't realised how it was making me feel.
Sorry or ranting on but I don't talk about it irl. Do what's best for you ❤️

WaltzingWaters · 05/09/2025 10:47

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:36

I wouldn’t go.

people there will have a different view of him than you and it’s not going to be easy for you to sit there and listen to how wonderful he was.

im sorry for what happened to you.

Exactly this. It would be horrible to hear what a “wonderful person” he was.

Also, whilst he himself doesn’t deserve this grace one bit, it would be horrible for his family to hear about what he’s done (and why you’re there) on the day of his funeral. I do think people will make small talk asking why you’re there. By all means tell them at some point if you wish to, but for his family’s sake (not his at all) maybe another time would be better. And they may even become aggressive towards you with heightened emotions if they don’t believe you.

Hgddffdfhgffgd · 05/09/2025 10:49

I agree with everyone else. People have a tendency to behave like the dead are saints - the things you will see will be all of the elaborate effort people have gone to, probably expensive coffin, lots of flowers, people who thought he was amazing crying, gushing eulogy. If you stay silent you will just see how loved he was, if you say anything you will be torn to shreds.

The only closure you can really get is the satisfaction he is dead and hopefully that he suffered at the end.

Typicalwave · 05/09/2025 10:50

I wouldn’t but I probably would go and spit on his grave and tell him to rot in hell, afterwards, if he’s having a burial

lazyarse123 · 05/09/2025 10:51

I have reconsidered after reading everyone's reasoned, well thought out replies. My reply was a knee jerk reaction. Don't go for your own well being.

pixiedust79 · 05/09/2025 10:54

I’m so sorry for what you went through and whilst I completely understand your perspective, I think it’s a bad idea for many reasons to turn up at his funeral.

Now that he is no longer around would you consider reporting him? If that would perhaps bring you any closure?

GAJLY · 05/09/2025 11:09

No I personally urge you to not go. They are going to say what a wonderful man he is, and people will ask how you know him. Completely inappropriate for you to go. You need counselling to work through these traumatic events. I've been there and am now at the end, where it no longer affects me. I've made my peace with my memories. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
strawberrygold · 05/09/2025 11:14

Thank you everyone. I won’t be going and I think there is closure in the fact he is now dead. I see it would be ridiculous now.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/09/2025 11:16

Agree with others, don’t go.

He is dead, try to find your closure in that if you can and maybe therapy?

Sitting in a room full of people talking about how great he was is not going to make you feel any better, and announcing at his funeral why you’re there could really upset the family and even put your safety at risk. Don’t do it.

Freeme31 · 05/09/2025 11:20

Don’t go but go spit on his grave the “prick” will already be in hell. Treat yourself to a lovely day out with a big smile on your face one less bit of evil on this earth

Tam285 · 05/09/2025 11:21

I think you're right not to go OP. If you think it would help could you go somewhere close and just watch the hearse go by perhaps?

maudelovesharold · 05/09/2025 11:27

You could stand outside the Church/Crematorium at the start of the service and watch his body being taken in prior to being buried/burnt and take your closure from that.

Pudmyboy · 05/09/2025 11:40

maudelovesharold · 05/09/2025 11:27

You could stand outside the Church/Crematorium at the start of the service and watch his body being taken in prior to being buried/burnt and take your closure from that.

This sounds like a reasonable compromise, you can see he is definitely dead, however you may well see people crying in grief at his demise which may be tricky to deal with.
If you know the day and time of the funeral, could you do a 'letting go' type ceremony at home? Write out all your pain and then at the time of the funeral, burn it and swear/curse/laugh gleefully that he is dead, then go do something lovely for yourself, a walk in nature, a relaxing bath, anything that reminds you you are still here, alive and thriving, and he isn't ?

DoYouReally · 05/09/2025 12:28

I wouldn't go if I were you because the man they'll describe when talking about him will be so far removed from the truth it won't do you any good.

I hope his death gives you some peace.

Tillow4ever · 05/09/2025 12:39

strawberrygold · 05/09/2025 11:14

Thank you everyone. I won’t be going and I think there is closure in the fact he is now dead. I see it would be ridiculous now.

I don’t think it was a ridiculous idea - it sounds like you need some closure and seeing that he’s definitely dead would have helped you with that. Having read the other comments, I can see why it would be hard though - so could you go to the grave a day after to privately see that he’s gone.

I can emphasise. This is nowhere near as bad, but the man that raped me then stalked me for 2 years afterwards. I was a wreck. That was over 30 years ago now and still whenever I go somewhere I scan the entire room looking to check he’s not there. It’s like I cannot breathe until I know I’m safe. If I heard he died, I think I’d want to see for myself that I was finally safe and that I no longer needed to worry.

I’m sorry for what you went through, I hope you can feel the closure you deserve.

Summerhillsquare · 05/09/2025 12:41

Go afterwards and spit on his grave.