To be disappointed in my DD giving up a club?

[Dumblededum]

Hi

My DD (9) has been doing Taekwondo for years at the same club at a high level. She’s one belt away from black.

She’s been less interested recently, but interest has ebbed and flowed in the past. A friend’s parent took her along to the friend’s session elsewhere (without my knowledge, and misguided rather than ill-meaning) and DD loved it. I took her along for another trial session which she really enjoyed, but the quality in teaching really isn’t there - it is a massive step down in calibre.

I’ve accepted that I don’t think there’s any worth in insisting DD continues at her existing club and that she’s old enough to choose. I’ll go with her choice if she is adamant because what use is forcing a club on her, but I’m gutted that she’s leaving with less than a year to being a black belt somewhere that is very respected and that she’s done so well at.

AIBU to be pretty disappointed with how this has played out?

Can't she do.her grading at the new club ? Or could you.say she can go once she has her black.belt . She probably just wants to be with her friend I would try and persuade her to.stay first.

Having seen the classes, it’s just more fun. She’s quite separated from her friend all the class due to their levels.

She probably could do her black belt there, but it’s just so much less prestigious (matters to adults but she’s too young to really understand) and I think she’s underestimating the slight differences in the way they do things that will count against her rather than for her.

We’ve said we’ll talk more at the weekend but I’m so conflicted. One side of me wants to push staying where she is for black belt at least (and possibly trying the reverse - getting friend to do that!) but the other part of me wants to listen to her and take her request seriously. I wish she was better with words to talk more about the “why”!

Could you try talking to the friend’s mum to persuade her to switch to the better club? Assuming it is genuinely better and a similar price? It sounds like your DD wants to be with her friend - it might be the other mum doesn’t know which club is better.

otherwise, I think you need to follow your daughters lead.

I don't know anything about Taekwondo so this might be a nonsense suggestion, but can she do both clubs?

Does she compete will she want to compete ? I think maybe wording it as her club is actually better and she will have better opportunities than the other club. If she genuinely isn't interested in grading then i would just let her move, despite your feelings.

I think this is what I’m hoping for deep down. The club is a little bit more expensive but I think the timings might be more awkward for them.

I definitely agree that the other mum isn’t as clued up, I definitely wasn’t years ago when picking a club but having seen things over the years (at regional days etc.) and now having seen lessons to compare there is a big difference.

That said, my DD is by no means a star pupil/natural so maybe the more chilled environment will keep her interested in exercising longer which would be a huge plus.

The current club is very well respected and more prestigious? Sound like its bothering you more than it is bothering your DD. This matters to which adults exactly?

You say that the way the new club do things will count against her - in what way? Is she planning oin competing, trying out for the Olymics or is she just doing it for fun?

Definitely not, they are similar but have different preferences on how to do certain things and it would be impossible to manage pleasing both.

I suspect there may also be an issue with registering/insurance, but I don’t think it’s worth looking into too much.

She wants to grade, not really interested in pushing for high level competition (totally fine).

She can grade at the potential new club, but will take a lot of learning “their way” which I think at the minute she will be underestimating.

But the risk of sounding unpopular youve invested a lot of time effort, money and years in this.

Why are children allowed to give up so easily. I would say to her it would be an awful shame for you to give up when you re so close to the top. Reach a compromise and says she's worked so hard at this and you re so very proud of everything she's achieved, and why doesn't she try to obtain the black belt?And if she still doesn't like it after that she can give up.

I would really press her to go as far as black belts and then she can decide.

Is this WTF or ITF tkd? Are either/both of the clubs members of a wider association that hold central black belt gradings or do they have their own very high level black belts to conduct them?

I did tkd to a high level for many years and our club was a member of a wider federation. A master (4th Dan and above) can conduct colour gradings but our black belt gradings were conducted centrally twice a year by a panel of grandmasters. In that system the ‘reputation’ of the club was largely irrelevant and all that would matter was the skill of the practitioner.

I left tkd for various reasons including internal politics/sexism, and the fact that it’s not necessarily the most practical/effective martial art, but taking it for what it is I have a lot of affection for it. I taught kids for years and the most important thing is that they’re having fun, or they won’t stick with it.

What i used to do when mine wanted to Change things was say they had to do "the term" then happily move them can you say that then she might just get on with it. Seems a shame to get her black belt from the club she started in, the instructors will want to see her achieve it.

It matters within the sport. There is also something to be said for striving for excellence, which the previous club did whereas newer club seems more ready to let things go rather than seek constant improvement.

The count against her comment was about the way she currently does things being different across the two clubs. The way she is used to doing things is not how the new club wants them done, so there would be relearning things (and relearning less technically in honesty) to meet what they expect. I don’t think she sees this side of it yet, and the extra work to overcome muscle memory this will be.

No Olympic etc aspirations and we’d never be pushing for that.

I would say you have more chance of her giving up totally if you try to make her stay at a club she is no longer enjoying that much.

You said she isn't looking at reaching high level, she's clearly not aiming to make it to national competition level so if that's the case surely her taking part is more important than being at a prestigious club?

I'm a martial arts instructor, albeit not TKD. I'm assuming the grade syllabus she's on is a junior one anyway? If so then I would relax and let her move clubs, especially if she doesn't compete.

What problems have you noticed with the teaching of the second club? Enjoyment matters hugely when it comes to motivating kids and teens long term.

Forcing her back might cause her to lose interest in the sport.
I would agree that she can start in a year or stay for one year, before returning to her own club.
She's still very young, plenty of time to get her black belt and enjoy her new club.

You’re completely allowed your feelings, don’t beat yourself up, plus you’re respecting her wishes at the same time, you’re doing ok.

I would say keeping her in the sport and her enjoying it is more important than a prestigious club she is not happy in. Keeping teenagers in sport, especially girls, is tricky once they hit the teenage years.

My son (10) runs compeitively and I would love to move him to club with higher success rates but he is very happy where he is and at the moment keeping him enjoying the sport and wanting to it is the priority.

My son used to go to Taekwondo & I used to watch the classes. He went to the "best" club in the area but as someone who ran kids classes myself I could see why he became disengaged.

The system at these clubs is not set up for children. The hierachy of where they stand and just follow those in front. My son learnt more and got more out of the sessions on the weeks when the main high level teacher was not there. The assistant knew how to engage with children. In general I felt that the club was well set up for those who would compete nationally but not for youngsters.

If the child doesn't enjoy it, what is the point.

Hobbies are supposed to be fun, lots of parents who push their kids into these things seem to forget that.

If she wants to go to another club which she enjoys more, then that should be her choice to make.

Surely if it’s a club for fun and she’s not interested in competing then it doesn’t really matter? I’d let her go to one that enjoys more. If not then how long would it take for her to earn her black belt at the current club? Could you say to her she can swap if wants after she gets her black belt at the current club if it’s not gonna take very long.

You know she is allowed to make a mistake if the new club doesn't work out how she thought, .she is allowed to be dissapointed, she can always move back can't she ?

If she is as talented as you think/hope she is then she will still be talented in a few years time, and her old club will be able to see it and welcome her back.
Let her have some fun. To excel in a sport you have to be talented AND passionate about it, if you keep a 9 yo doing something that isn't fun, to them, then they loose the passion.

Oh come on, she's nine years old. She wants to have fun. Because she's nine.

If you want her to continue with her sport, I would say that the most important thing at this age is the enjoyment. Nothing will put her off more than being pushed into it in a way that feels less fun for her. For a nine-year-old, a hobby shouldn't feel like school. Maybe she likes the new club because it feels less pressured to her?

It's fine that you feel a bit disappointed, but honestly, just let her carry on at whichever club she prefers.

We have had almost the same situation with gymnastics

I let DD swap to the more fun club that her friends were already doing. No regrets even though her gymnastics has probably gone downhill since - but think this is more due to her having developed other interests over that time rather than the club. For DD being with her friends is the be all and end all and I suspect she might even have given up altogether if she was still at her old club.

My view is that (unless a child is themselves very driven and wants to compete seriously) these clubs are all about fitness and enjoyment rather than developing perfect technique. In a year or three you will struggle to get a tween to carry on with something that isn’t fun. Pick the one she enjoys and is with a friend, much better chance of her sticking with it longer term.