To be disappointed in my DD giving up a club?

[Dumblededum]

Hi

My DD (9) has been doing Taekwondo for years at the same club at a high level. She’s one belt away from black.

She’s been less interested recently, but interest has ebbed and flowed in the past. A friend’s parent took her along to the friend’s session elsewhere (without my knowledge, and misguided rather than ill-meaning) and DD loved it. I took her along for another trial session which she really enjoyed, but the quality in teaching really isn’t there - it is a massive step down in calibre.

I’ve accepted that I don’t think there’s any worth in insisting DD continues at her existing club and that she’s old enough to choose. I’ll go with her choice if she is adamant because what use is forcing a club on her, but I’m gutted that she’s leaving with less than a year to being a black belt somewhere that is very respected and that she’s done so well at.

AIBU to be pretty disappointed with how this has played out?

respectfully, she hasn’t given up. She’s moved to a place that suits her better to do it. Are you bothered that she does it or she does it at the place you approve? what will be the difference in her future for not doing it at the place you like?

my daughter did karate for years, also one off black belt. For a while she started to dislike it, we said she could stop at black. However, by the end it was extremely difficult to get her to go and we questioned if it was worth paying a lot to force her to do something she didn’t want to do - there’s no benefit so we stopped. You could be disappointed if that happened. You should be happy she is happy to do it.

Existing club is WTF, has numerous very high Dan grades but choose to bring in externals for Dan grading.

I’m really not too sure about the new club, I’ll need to do some digging.

I think a good part of my reticence to move is that the existing club is genuinely friendly and supportive, as well as taking the sport seriously. I suppose I should have joined myself (there’s just no way I’m flexible enough!) since I’m quite attached!

I absolutely agree, I think I just always saw her getting her black belt where she started (when she got to the higher belts and it seemed genuinely likely she would get there).

It just seems so close to me to grade for the black belt (I know this shouldn’t be the end goal, but really it’s quite a big deal) but then I suppose it’s a much longer time in her eyes.

I’ll end up doing what she wants, I want to stand the best chance of keeping her active I’m just so disappointed at the timing inside!

It was WTF my son did. The instructor was obsessed with the "'Lympics" The kids were bored.

I think I’ve been reasonable in not saying she’s unbelievably talented, she’s got a good memory for things from being young which is probably why she’s progressed relatively quickly. She is good, but not one of the natural talents that you see and go “wow!” at.

I am wanting her to have fun, it just does feel like losing something when you have been at a certain club for years watching a cohort of kids grow up and then it’ll be gone. I know this is my problem and not hers, and I won’t make it her problem.

You can’t make them carry on with things they don’t want to do.

When I think back to all the things my 23 year old did as a kid, sports clubs, instruments. Nothing stuck. It was all just a massive waste of time and money. All these years on, some of the stuff he doesn’t even remember doing so it’s not like it shaped him in some way.

My younger children do absolutely nothing unless they really want to.

I'm an evil horrible parent fostering hatred for sport in my kids (etc etc) but I've told my 9yo he can give up karate when he gets his black belt in January. He's soooo close & I know he'd regret it later.

But at 9 I wouldn't give a second thought to the prestige of the training. If just be happy that she wants to go & finish her belt - as she gets older she can chose to change clubs if it becomes important.

I totally agree with everything you’ve said to be honest, but I did think we’d get her over the black belt line given how close we were!

As you say, it’s better she keeps up sports but I’m internally gutted she’ll not be going over the line with the coaches that have known her since she was a tot. I know this is me romanticising, but it feels wrong to move at this point to me.

Neither of mine did sport Dd1 dabbled in this and that but nothing really stuck, it never bothered us because they stuck at the things they loved and enjoyed.

I bet this is a generational thing!

I wanted to do all the clubs when I was younger, but couldn’t due to finances and my parents’ work schedule. I desperately wanted to swim (and was good at it!) but had to stop when the club wanted me to be more committed and available because I couldn’t make the sessions. Likewise, I wanted to stick playing an instrument after lessons in school ended when I was 16 but couldn’t due to money, I picked it up again as an adult.

Because of this, I want to give DD all the chances to do things (and I have, there’s been dozens of things that haven’t stuck). This is the main club that stuck and it’s just hard knowing the relationships built through the club (for her and me) will be gone when I thought it would last longer.

Totally admit it’s a me problem to get over and I will, I just know I’d have been begging to stay if it were me as the child!

To hell with prestigious - let her have some fun!

Do not impose adult competitiveness on a child who just wants to enjoy herself. Why do you want this prestige? - is it for you or for her?

Yeah, you just have to let it go.

I was the same, I wanted to do drama and music. We couldn’t afford it when I was a kid, so I couldn’t. So I wanted ds to have it all.

No good comes from making a child stick to something. My ds played guitar from 4 years old until he refused to go back to lessons at 12. He was doing so well. But he was only doing it as I was making him do it.

I was so gutted he gave up. He’d spend years doing all the exams. But he was going it as I wanted him to. Not because he enjoyed it.

He’s not picked up a guitar in 11 years now. No interest at all. Ditto all the other things he did (piano, street dance, drama, art classes, karate, fencing). Thousands of pounds and hours of my time I’ll never get back!

I really learned a lesson there for my younger two. If they have an interest, of course, they can do it. But I will never push them.

I can see where you are coming from OP. I've had quite a lot of involvement with various sports and activities via my children and I also coach a sport myself. All clubs are definitely not equal. I absolutely agree that a child needs to be enjoying what they do, especially at a young age but they also need to be safe and being taught correct technique in an age appropriate way from the beginning. If they're not, at best they're learning bad habits which will have to be unlearned if they want to take things further and at worst it may lead to long term damage. Of course the two are not mutually exclusive - it's perfectly possible to have good, safe coaching that is also lots of fun, but kids are often not the best at assessing things like safety or taking the longer term view and can be attracted to quite superficial things. It's the parents' responsibility to assess those things and ultimately take the decision that they feel is in their child's best interests.
I think you're right to check things out OP and obviously if you don't think things are safe, obviously don't send your DD. However, I would also urge you to be aware of your own potential prejudices and try to keep an open mind. I was definitely guilty in the past of believing in a hierarchy of governing bodies within one of my DC's activities. To some extent it is true, but it's nowhere near as black and white as I once thought.There are some excellent teachers in some of the "lower" organisations and some pretty terrible ones in the one that's generally considered most prestigious. Also clubs that are outwardly the most successful aren't necessarily the best either. I know of several sports clubs that produce large numbers of very successful youngsters, but many of them are burned out by the time they are 16 and drop out of the sport altogether. Somewhere that doesn't move kids on as quickly or have the same degree of obvious success might sometimes be the better long term bet.
Look carefully but keep an open mind. There may be positives about the other club that you haven't considered yet.

It's really hard to do but I think you need to step back and be the parent DC needs not the parent you would have wanted.

Please don't think I'm saying you're a bad parent, it sounds like you're a great mum - encouraging your daughter to do a sport and getting her to where she is now. It's just that now you're at the stage where what you needed was a parent who gave you opportunities and what she needs is to recognise that it also needs to be fun in order for her to stay doing the sport.

It's so tough, I think we all strive to be better than we had but sometimes what we needed is not what our kid needs.

It is sweet how you’ve romanticised it and of course you can be privately sad but honestly, this will be good for her.