To think my partner is batshite

[ThatUniquePombear]

So for background purposes- I have mostly been brought up by my mum. I have had zero contact with my father since I was 9 years old due to his substance abuse issues and a harmful situation I was put in while under his care- it went the hold 9 yards, courts etc. I got back in touch with him when I was 18 and we met up a handful of times before I decided on my own to cut him out of my life. I do, however, have a close relationship with my paternal grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins who also have nothing to do with him. Again for context me and my mum are incredibly close- although she re married last year and now lives abroad with my stepdad and younger siblings. It was an incredibly hard decision for her to make but I encouraged her wholeheartedly to do it.

I have been with my partner just over 2 years, we are engaged and expecting a baby girl on 1st December.

He is the youngest of 7, and seen as the “black sheep” of the family. All his siblings (and his parents) are in the medical field, my partner is a builder. He had a rough time growing up, always felt like the odd one out. He moved out at 17 (he is now 29) and has had very little contact with his family since- I have met them all once at his grandfathers funeral last year and it was very obvious they didn’t like me- didn’t approve of me coming from a single parent family, didn’t like my career (I am a self employed hairdresser and work damn hard for what I have) and just very disapproving in general. When my partner told them we were expecting a baby- they told my partner if I went through with the pregnancy they would disown him completely.

Fast forward to 8 weeks ago- his Dad had a heart attack. He has been forced to retire and they are looking to move to our local area (they currently live 250/300 miles away) so my partner can help “care for him”. My partner who works 60 hours a week MINIMUM- often more 70, sometimes even more. He is self employed so if he doesn’t work- he doesn’t get paid.

We have a mortgage to pay, cars to pay for, debt to pay off and we now obviously have a child to pay for. I can just about afford to take 8 weeks maternity leave and then I will be working 4 days a week cutting down from my current 6. We are by no means flush,we pay our dues, have a week away in the summer. Things are going to be even tighter with me cutting hours down- we can only afford to do that as my paternal grandparents have offered to have our daughter 2 days a week meaning we only have to pay for a days childcare (DH will have a day, and I’ll do a day in the week and have her at the weekend)

DH is seriously considering cutting his hours down to help care for his father and taking DD with him when he does. I don’t know if my judgement is being clouded by my past, and I’m perfectly prepared to be told I’m unreasonable, but I don’t want my daughter being brought up in a toxic environment. He couldn’t wait to get away from them, they threatened to disown him if I didn’t have a miscarriage and he seems to be prepared to let that all go.

A) we really can’t afford it and B) I just can’t get my head wrapped around his thinking.

AIBU?

They told him they'd cut him off if you continued with the pregnancy. You have ergo their terms have been met and he has no responsibility to do anything for them or let them know your dc.
They made their choice and now have to live with the consequences.
Oh btw they're massive CFs for assuming that they can demand he cares for them and im sure they can more than afford to pay for any care needs with his dads gold plated NHS pension

Why is your husband expected to look after him ,when there are 6 others?

I've seen this type of reaction.

Basically, he's still clinging to the hope that some day he will be loved by, appreciated and "good" enough for his parents.

Many people who parents treated them horrifically struggle not to cut off people who don't deserve them and bend over backwards to try to get parental approval.

It won't change a thing...they'll use use him and continue to abuse him.

Usually when the parent passes away they are extremely upset and it means all hope of a good relationship is gone.

Going on past experience, It's going to be very difficult if not impossible, to change his mind.

It is his family, things are never black and white. He needs to make his own choices about this.

My husband has a very big and complicated family. He decides who he sees from his family and when etc. I never know who is going to be speaking to who at any given time and just don't get involved or express an opinion. I am always polite and ignore any rudeness. In return he follows my lead with my family.

He needs to put his child before his parents. He needs a healthy dose of reality about what it is like to look after a baby/toddler and an adult - what are his Dad’s needs and would he tolerate a screaming baby?

I’d discuss with DH what his obligations and priorities are to his family - that’s you and your DC, across caring and work, but also fun/enjoyment.
If there’s anything left in the tank, then maybe some support for his parents might be forthcoming. But this shouldn’t form any basis for their decision to move and dh (and you/your dc) owe these people nothing:

His parents have completely disowned him (or will do in December), so there's no family relationship any more and they clearly are not his friends. Therefore they should be paying him the going rate for any care he gives them, as they would a stranger whom they have hired as a carer. I'd generally agree that a child shouldn't be in that environment, but honestly it's probably not going to have much impact on a baby as long as it's a physically safe environment for her.

And if they've changed their minds about disowning him (why, I wonder? 🤔) I'd still be done with them after the insane and wildly misogynist ultimatum they gave him and while I know families are complicated, I'd be pretty disappointed that he's still seeing them, let alone massively sacrificing for them, after that.

This.

Get him to look up the parenting segments on Dr Ramani YouTube... She's a psychologist specialising in difficult personality types.

He's in a difficult position, but don't let your child get pulled into this toxic set-up.

He has parents who have at least threatened to disown him until it suited them to do/say otherwise. I highly doubt that they would suddenly become paragons of patience and tolerate a potentially crying baby.

He probably also wants to be good enough for them one day, though that isn't likely to happen. He almost certainly does not appreciate either what the demands of caring for an adult in declining health can be.

He will do what he will do, although I don't think it should all fall to him and nothing to his siblings.

You can only advise mostly. However, you can and should keep your child away from this. Just tell him that they won't be accompanying him to his parents' place and why. Stick to your guns. You will not let anyone who threatened you both during pregnancy and who clearly disapproves of you anywhere near your precious baby.

It's possible that all of DH family do not think alike.
One or two very cutting remarks might not be how they all think.
DH might welcome the chance of repairing the relationship.
I would be happy with DH taking DD to see his parents for some of the day on his child care day.
See how it goes.

DH needs to remind them that the family made unkind remarks and that the visits will be a trial to see if a sustainable positive arrangement can be made.
As long as DD is properly loved and cared for by DH and his family, it is DH's choice. Of course, if his parents bad mouth you or the baby, you should insist that DD and DH should abandon the trial.

A baby that he wanted his son's partner to abort.

Where are the other 6? Are they and their jobs too important to take time out of work to care for their dad but your DP builder can? This is absolutely shocking!
Id tell his dad you sling his hook and pay for some private carers they must be quite well off all in the medical field or know of some carers at least.

There is now way your DP is going to manage caring after DF while looking after DD, especially when DD starts crawling/walking

You had a child with him knowing all this these people will always be in your childs life this cant be a surprise really

Yanbu, and it's bizarre they've chosen the child they have no relationship with to be the "carer", but ultimately your partner has to work this out for himself. Let him try and repair the relationship, and be there for him whatever happens. More than likely, there will be another fallout or he will get sick of their attitude and distance himself again, but he clearly wants to try so it's not for you to stand in the way.

A small baby won't be aware of their disapproval, but obviously as they get older you may need to consider their influence if it becomes unhealthy.

How did this conversation and decision come
about? Practically, what care is actually needed?

Your partner is not going to be able
to do this on his own and work, certainly
not as their health gets even worse, no chance.

I agree with PP, in that he still seeks their approval and wants to be seen as good enough.

If I were him I'd personally tell them to F off not only after how they've treated him over the years but also you and the baby...Unless there is more to it. I don't understand why they expect him to pick up the caring - where are the other siblings and where do they live?

As for you I'd try not to get too involved and just try to be a support for him, he'll probably need it at some stage. You may find with baby he'll not have time to help them out much.

I’m confused on why they would move 300 miles and expect the son they have the least contact with to take on the role of carer. The son whose child they demanded be aborted btw. Where did this idea of moving come from? Did your partner suggest/offer? I agree with other posters who say your partner is likely still seeking their approval and doesn’t understand he will never get it because that’s just who they are and they are unlikely to change. In the meantime, your partner risks ruining his relationship with you and his child, and putting you all under financial pressure, in pursuit of the acceptance he craves from his toxic parents. I would encourage him to do some work on himself, with or without the help of a therapist. He would benefit enormously from working through his family dynamics so he can work out what’s driving this need he has to gain their acceptance, the cost to him personally and the almost certainty that it will not give him the outcome he craves. Good luck op and remember she is your daughter too and you have a responsibility to not allow her to be exposed to such a toxic environment.

This, op

I fear youll come off badly by, understandably, putting your foot down 🥺

Yanbu but proceed with caution x

Where did this decision come from given that they appear to hate both of you?

It's a tough one, but I'd quietly wait and see how it plays out. I will say, I've heard countless stories over the years at people having terrible reactions to a pregnancy (my own MIL amongst them) yet completely changed their tune once the baby arrived.

Also, sometimes those who didn't do the best job as parents become the absolute best grandparents (this was my mother).

So FIL had a heart attack,what kind of caring do they expect your husband to do- I know multiple men who have had heart attacks and they have young children to look after,work full time and take care of housework, etc. No doubt he will be given script for statins, GTN spray,aspirin etc and offered stents- life should be as normal plus daily meds to prevent future incidents.

They chose your partner to move near because they don’t value his job and think his siblings are too busy with their jobs which they approve of. If I was your partner I’d be even more offended by that. Sit him down and explain that you and your child needs to come first and maybe suggest some therapy. Having toxic parents can often make people desperate to form a relationship with them when really there’s no point. They’re using him when it’s convenient and they’ll likely discard him again when he’s not needed.

He is still hoping for acceptance isn’t he? No he can’t afford financially or time wise to look after his parent. But only he can decide. I think you need to tread carefully op as he could feel stuck in the middle. His parents sounded disappointed in him for not doing what they wanted career wise. Are they pressurising him to now look after them
and do what they want?

Why can't his mother look after his father?
How bad can his heart attack have been that he needs a carer? Can they not afford to employ a professional carer rather than tell the unskilled son they have disowned that he must do it?