To think my partner is batshite

[ThatUniquePombear]

So for background purposes- I have mostly been brought up by my mum. I have had zero contact with my father since I was 9 years old due to his substance abuse issues and a harmful situation I was put in while under his care- it went the hold 9 yards, courts etc. I got back in touch with him when I was 18 and we met up a handful of times before I decided on my own to cut him out of my life. I do, however, have a close relationship with my paternal grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins who also have nothing to do with him. Again for context me and my mum are incredibly close- although she re married last year and now lives abroad with my stepdad and younger siblings. It was an incredibly hard decision for her to make but I encouraged her wholeheartedly to do it.

I have been with my partner just over 2 years, we are engaged and expecting a baby girl on 1st December.

He is the youngest of 7, and seen as the “black sheep” of the family. All his siblings (and his parents) are in the medical field, my partner is a builder. He had a rough time growing up, always felt like the odd one out. He moved out at 17 (he is now 29) and has had very little contact with his family since- I have met them all once at his grandfathers funeral last year and it was very obvious they didn’t like me- didn’t approve of me coming from a single parent family, didn’t like my career (I am a self employed hairdresser and work damn hard for what I have) and just very disapproving in general. When my partner told them we were expecting a baby- they told my partner if I went through with the pregnancy they would disown him completely.

Fast forward to 8 weeks ago- his Dad had a heart attack. He has been forced to retire and they are looking to move to our local area (they currently live 250/300 miles away) so my partner can help “care for him”. My partner who works 60 hours a week MINIMUM- often more 70, sometimes even more. He is self employed so if he doesn’t work- he doesn’t get paid.

We have a mortgage to pay, cars to pay for, debt to pay off and we now obviously have a child to pay for. I can just about afford to take 8 weeks maternity leave and then I will be working 4 days a week cutting down from my current 6. We are by no means flush,we pay our dues, have a week away in the summer. Things are going to be even tighter with me cutting hours down- we can only afford to do that as my paternal grandparents have offered to have our daughter 2 days a week meaning we only have to pay for a days childcare (DH will have a day, and I’ll do a day in the week and have her at the weekend)

DH is seriously considering cutting his hours down to help care for his father and taking DD with him when he does. I don’t know if my judgement is being clouded by my past, and I’m perfectly prepared to be told I’m unreasonable, but I don’t want my daughter being brought up in a toxic environment. He couldn’t wait to get away from them, they threatened to disown him if I didn’t have a miscarriage and he seems to be prepared to let that all go.

A) we really can’t afford it and B) I just can’t get my head wrapped around his thinking.

AIBU?

Your DP is one of 7, the 'black sheep' - why have his parents suddenly decided to move 300 miles so he can care for them? It seems totally unbelievable that they would do this.

Your OH could benefit from some talking therapy. Sounds like it's on the way to burnout with a 60 hour week, dysfunctional family and pressures of an impending newborn.
It's a lot of pressure for a person.

Parents don't like him, have disowned him, but "not to worry, hey ho you can come and be the carer." They are planning to use and discard him, the moment he's no longer needed.

He should cut down a few hours a week, to go to therapy, that would benefit him much more.

6 siblings in the medical field but they choose the non medical black sheep? threatened to disown him if he didn't force his gf to have an abortion because she's a hairdresser? This makes no sense..

Where are the other 6 to look after their dad? They are in medical professions so they should care.

What I fear is happening is that the moment the dad becomes a burden they one to unload it to you and your husband so that they don’t have the obligation and responsibility to look after him.

If the situation was already strained I would not commit to that considering your circumstances.

Blimey, all these posters being confused about why OP's partner has been chosen as the carer. It's because they think caring is is a crappy worthless job, and they think he's already doing a crappy worthless job, so he might as well do the one as the other. They have picked him out of contempt. They also know that they have this power over him that he wants to be part of the family, so he will jump through hoops to get their approval.

This just shows them to be even worse than they looked before the dad became ill, I think.

I do not understand why they have chosen your DH out of 7 siblings form the care giver role, with the other 6 being in medicine? What makes him their first choice?

Others have said all the important things, but a practical reality check - caring for a baby takes up 110% of everything you have. There's not a chance he could care for both the child and his dad at the same time.

Totally agree. They think that the other siblings have important 'proper' jobs, unlike your partner, so they can't possibly help with providing care.

I assume that they have plenty of money so could employ professional carers but they want OP's partner, the family scapegoat, to provide this care for free. It's a sign of contempt, not respect.

Yup your poor partner. Sounds like he could really burn out under all this pressure.

This! I was gonna say the same thing

You said your husband is working 70 hour weeks. Is he looking at this as a way of doing fewer hard graft hours? He may see other advantages to the set up. Psychologically children always try and seek approval from unloving parents. Sounds like he’s still doing that. You will have to be very alert to what he’s saying and how they’re treating him and encourage him to walk away if and when the time comes.

This sounds like a book or film theme.

If this is real, it makes no sense why they would ask this if they said they would disown him for having a baby with you. There’s no reason for him to even consider the request. And it won’t be possible either - if you are needing to go back to work 4 days a week when your baby is 8 weeks old, you will both need to work as many hours as you both can in order to pay for childcare. He won’t have any time to look after an ailing relative. None of this is feasible.

Basically, he's still clinging to the hope that some day he will be loved by, appreciated and "good" enough for his parents.

Absolutely this dynamic is extremely common in scapegoating families and the scapegoat is the person who is made to feel they always need to give, give, give. He needs therapy and he needs to drop the ball with them. Longstanding family dynamics rarely change.

I think its fine for him to forgive his dad if he feels it will be beneficial for him. It isnt sustainable for someone to work all those hours every week forever. I think your lifestyle is too expensive to be sustainable. Family matters. I dont think you should punish people forever and I believe in second (and third) chances within reason.

I’m assuming that your DPs siblings have been just as dismissive and horrible as the parents. Just to say that your DP is probably going to do the caring, save them a fortune in care fees and when they die the money will be split equally if you are lucky. So the siblings will benefit from your free time and probably your money as well because caring will cost you. Do you know what the will says ie has DF circumvented you and your daughter or maybe your DP isn’t in the will at all. If your DP is caring, will he have Power of Attorney? You need to know these things or other family members could end up really controlling your lives.

Yeah this.

Off topic but I have seen a few comments on threads lately that suggest Chat GPT or AI wrote the thread. Why is this? Why/how would Chat CPT write threads? Do you mean people using Chat GPT to help them with wording or do you mean threads completely started by AI? To what end?

Well done both of you for overcoming challenging upbringings and working hard and planning your own family 💐other peoples family dynamics are complicated. I’d echo the other poster that he probably desperately wants their love and approval. It’s hard but I’d really try not to get into what you think unless he directly asks. I would encourage him to get counselling as I’d be concerned of the emotional impact of engaging with his family. I’d also encourage both of you to read Phillipa Perrys amazing book The Book you’ll wish your parents had read as it helps you come to terms with your own upbringing and think about how you’ll parent yourself.

I can guarantee that the view of the parents, and the other the 6, will be that they all have jobs which are too busy & important for them to take to time out to help care for dad

• He is the youngest of 7, and seen as the “black sheep” of the family.

• He moved out at 17 (he is now 29) and has had very little contact with his family since

• Fast forward to 8 weeks ago- his Dad had a heart attack. He has been forced to retire and they are looking to move to our local area (they currently live 250/300 miles away) so my partner can help “care for him”.

Really?

Fuck that, frankly. Ultimatum time.

As someone who has been through hell and back with my in laws, the time to put your foot down is now. Do not let this happen.

They told him if he continued with your pregnancy they would disown him, he owes them nothing. How bloody vile of them. Tell them that if this is what he decides to do you will be leaving.

Do not allow your child to be dragged into this toxicity. He will never be good enough for them, even if he cuts his hours down and provides care. He will always be chasing their approval- an approval he will never get.

I think this couple is in the US?

This 👆 💯 👏
They are no longer hos family.
YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE HIS FAMILY.
They threatened to disown him. Take them at their word and cut ties.
NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS.
They will use and further abuse.
They have already shown you who they are, and they are vile. 🤢
Put your foot down.