To ask for a hand hold

[Mumonthebrink2025]

Trigger warning: suicide

My six year old has been having Nuerodiverse meltdowns since toddler age and I'm still trying to get her some kind of diagnosis to find out what's causing it all. Now she's older it's a lot of rage and violence towards me and the few weeks, she's been expressing on a daily basis after a meltdown that she wants to die and for me to kill her. I keep talking her through it and trying to hold space for what she's feeling. I've asked her if she feels like that all the time and if it's only when she gets her rages and she has said she feels a little bit that way the rest of the time and it's all related to having her rages and she hates the feeling of the anger and hates her life because of it.

Just now she was having another outburst because I was trying to keep her safe in practising her roller skating on the carpet and not on her wooden balance board, and then asking her to get dressed, and she had a huge fit, spitting at me, lashing out. So I said to her our trip out for strawberries was cancelled as I just didn't have it in me now to go through with the battle of her not getting dressed and listening to me safely with getting the bus etc.

So she has another huge fit and said for me to kill her and I said no. Then, and this is the first time this has happened, she said 'im going to do it myself them' and marched off. I said how are you going to do that? And she said 'with a knife'. So I grabbed hold of her and called 111. She's on triage for someone to call back but they said it won't be today. I don't know what to do. She's calmed down after I told her I was contacting a doctor.

I'm in shock so sorry if I sound a bit detached.

I don't know what to do. She has a social worker allocated since the self harm comments, she's been referred for camhs, and we're waiting on ADHD and autism assessments.

She used to like the bus but hates it now and gets bored after a minute or too. Our buses are never quiet here either.

UC gives class 3 credits, not class 1.

If you only get limited capability for work (LCW) and not limited capability for work and work related activities (LCWRA), you are better off claiming the carer element.

I get lcwra...thanks.

It helped my friends child to know about PDA - as he had an explanation for his feelings then, she was also surprised at how many people fairly local to her also had children with PDA when she posted about it on a local Facebook group, so at least she has local people who understood what she was going through and that she could reach out to. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this, sending strength and a very firm hand hold.

It won't be what you want to read but the medication associated with ADHD isn't a magical cure and comes with its own side effects which can be severe. My child who was already expressing suicidal ideations became considerably worse and started with significant attempts after starting ADHD medication. We tried 3 different ones but all side effects were far too severe to continue.
He is diagnosed Severe Combined ADHD and is almost at the end of his ASD (PDA) Diagnosis, but given the idiot speech therapist sent her report full of extra documents on supporting your ASD child that's pretty much a forgone conclusion.
However now several years from being suicidal at 7 he is (as his psychiatrist says) the happiest and healthiest he has ever seen him at 9.
He is self led home educated due to his PDA, and has a very sporadic sleep pattern where he doesn't sleep until he crashes, he says that he finds the night easier to be awake as the world is quiet which helps him think. He learnt to cook with a microwave so he could feed himself, and waiting to crash to sleep he removes the demand to sleep that would cause a meltdown. He has also explained recently that it isn't just the demands that we or other put on him that cause him to breakdown, it's the demands he puts on himself that cause him to start cracking.
It's horrific to experience and I empathise and the services that are supposed to help are incredibly shit across the country, but I would be cautious pinning hope on something that could make matters worse.
Good luck

@Mumonthebrink2025 you sound like such a good Mum, your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner. You're doing a wonderful job of advocating for her, I hope that the help you both need arrives very soon.

Can you just ignore it?

To be honest it sounds to me like you’re giving it airtime? I’m aware that’s less handhold than you may like.
She’s six. It’s a pretty tumultuous age between then and about 8/9 I’ve found. But asking questions and giving it more food for thought aren’t going to help.

Has she told you what even gave her that idea in the first place? Six year olds shouldn’t have seen or know about suicide in my opinion. Often YouTube is to blame for early exposure of subjects too great for them to truly understand.

Why does she feel that way? Without the leading questions of is it only when you’re in a rage etc.
Does she realise that that would be the end of everything she loves to do forever? Never again would she be able to go to get strawberries. Never again would she be able to insert whatever she loves doing

Is it just for attention? It reads like you just have the one DD, my apologies if I’m wrong but could this just be something she’s realised provokes a satisfyingly large reaction?

To start the EHCP process off, all you need to show is that your child may have SEN and may need support through an EHCP. I know local authorities find any excuse to say no, but appealing is relatively easy and parents win well over 90% of appeals against refusal to assess.

I'm not surprised you're reluctant to get involved in more paperwork, but it's worth doing if, say, it leads to the council paying for home tuition rather than you carrying the burden. Organisations like SENDIAS and IPSEA can help with the process.

There's always something routine can do to help. I say that as a parent of a similar child. Adding in 2 hours of either running round outside or going swimming or trampolining daily massively helps my son. He needs that sensory input and movement.

Learning to approach meltdown entirely neutrally, so not challenging as you did makes a huge difference.

Meltdowns are sensory nervous system overwhelm. You need to get her somewhere she cN calm her nervous system and work on strategies to do so.

I know how unsettling these outbursts are but introducing a calm space, sensory exercise every single day no arguments, a weighted blanket for downtime, learning coregulation and using low demand parenting took us from daily violent meltdowns to a child who copes remarkably well in school, constantly praised for his behaviour andeltdowns maybe once every few weeks.

There are always triggers.

While she's this dysregulated you need to get her nervous system settled down. Sounds like she's Neurodivergent and in burnout. You can manage this as suggested I promise. And so many kids are on the same boat, you won't get an emergency anything because they're all in crisis. Allt he kids on lists. I'm going to the GP this morning to try to access some occupational therapy and play therapy for my son to try to help (he also has a lot of medical trauma)

We've had all the same heightened chat from him when upset. She needs emotional support and sensory calming from you. You may need to take off work and hunker down for a bit to do it. It's very hard but that's what will help settle her. I couldn't just take my son to a shop when heightened like that or he'd do the same.

This is terrible advice and will perpetuate the problem while labelling her child and her feelings as bad. And the cycle will continue.

What does regulate her? It's honestly a constant work in progress in our house. Every day is a delicate balance of keeping him in a position where he can learn and take part in life. When it's going well it looks like he's a very ordinary well behaved kid with some quirks. When it's going badly it looks like a massive boy screaming on the floor like a toddler. When it's going well jts parenting like a swan, serene and chilled facade, furiously paddling below the surface to keep everything aligned.

This sounds very much mulet DS13 who has just been diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD. It’s chilling when they say they want to die, DS says it all the time. Head banging, rages etc are often daily for us too. We’re waiting for the medication appointment in October (diagnosed in May after the schools referral in July 2022 !!!)
ive found that my son often needs to eat when he has outbursts, so perhaps see if that’s a trigger for your DD, or something else. This is going to sound bizarre but also keep some caffeine drinks like Coke handy and see if this helps. It randomly helps regulation for some.
how’s her sleep? My older DD17 is ASD, she has melatonin which we sometimes give to DS if he’s not sleeping, but our GP suggested Piriton for kids as it is one of the few antihistamines that makes you drowsy. We asked them for melatonin / drugs to help but GPs aren’t allowed to prescribe until they’ve been given permission from the paediatrician so get school on board to refer your child through the system (was called Small Steps when we started but it’s changed names since
good luck and remember that they say things like they want to die because it’s so shocking, they don’t mean it but keep shapes out of reach if shes grabbing things in a rage, just to be safe. They don’t mean it, but it’s part of the ADHD

…. Sorry another thing that sends DS into a rage is noise, loud things like a roaring motor bike or our dog really barking loudly, but I think often it’s a trigger too when he’s hungry, so I get him milk / coke etc and a cookie/cheese/ breadsticks (we always carry an ‘emergency penguin’ as we call it, or two!) etc things he can eat and quickly delivers some sugar. Then get dinner or lunch sorted quickly if it’s that time of day or near that time of day.
post school is always a trigger too so snack immediately when you get in the house or at the school gate if really needed

In your opinion.

Suicide is the single most selfish act. So many kids are pandered to for fear of upsetting them it’s utterly ridiculous.

Imagine putting all that on a child with an underdeveloped brain learning to handle emotions. How were you parented? You'd say it did you no harm but here you are advocating punishment on an upset 6 yr old

Not advocating punishment. Odd that you’d see not pandering to it as punishment?

Odd that you see listening to a child's emotional distress and offering support as pandering

@Mumonthebrink2025 post on the SEN board about the EHCP

The parental request for the needs assesment should not need lots of evidence - the bar is quite low

Then the LA agree to asses and they coordinate the salt ot ep etc.

I will admit they probably do want evidence for the NA but I stress its unlawful

There are loads of charities you can go to for help with the EHCP. Walk in centre/ call centre and get specific advise on your case.

As i said head over to SEN to get dedicated advisenand maybe even specifi info for your area.

Sorry ro hear you are having a hard time. My autisric and adhd son just started adhd meds and life is calmer. We also just got an ehcp (albeit appealing wording but they have agreed specialist setting and therapy)

X

Have you contacted youngminds.org.uk ? Im not sure what age Talkzone help from but it could be an option too to seek help

Perhaps I can see where we’ve got our wires crossed.
100% a child’s emotional distress should be listened to. However the support being offered is what I believe is enabling the behaviour to continue, as it’s feeding into the idea instead of helping eliminate it.

It is still worth claiming CA for the better class of credits.

I've just read through the letter and it says I have to seek mediation before I can appeal. So I've emailed the mediation team which they have told me to use.

In the meantime I may also apply again with evidence so that they look at it again.

See the problem here is you seem to believe children should be left to flounder int heir emotional distress and not be offered the tools to cope?

When my child expresses this level of distress (and be does, he is on referral pathways for ASD and ADHD and has a seizure history and lots of medical trauma as a background for you here but is also very academically capable) I help him calm his body first, he knows now it helps him to punch pillows, throw cuddly toys, wrap himself in a weighted blanket, so what are essentially yoga poses, pace the floor... Lots of things. He still sometimes gets too upset to remember these things so I help him regulate because he's been on the earth 7 years. Once he's calm we talk about what happened, about not being afraid of big feelings, about better ways to deal with things. And he's improved in keaos and bounds over the years but remains 7 yrs old with an immature brain and a lot to deal with. Sounds like the ops child is similar.

When my 7 yr old screams that he wishes he didn't have to live anymore because it's too hard I'll be continuing to help him to deal with those emotions because it's not pandering. It's hoping to raise a generation who aren't dependant on medications and therapy in their 30s and 40s to work it out for themselves.

I 100 percent agree that you're doing the right thing and I won't engage with comments that suggest otherwise.