To ask for a hand hold

[Mumonthebrink2025]

Trigger warning: suicide

My six year old has been having Nuerodiverse meltdowns since toddler age and I'm still trying to get her some kind of diagnosis to find out what's causing it all. Now she's older it's a lot of rage and violence towards me and the few weeks, she's been expressing on a daily basis after a meltdown that she wants to die and for me to kill her. I keep talking her through it and trying to hold space for what she's feeling. I've asked her if she feels like that all the time and if it's only when she gets her rages and she has said she feels a little bit that way the rest of the time and it's all related to having her rages and she hates the feeling of the anger and hates her life because of it.

Just now she was having another outburst because I was trying to keep her safe in practising her roller skating on the carpet and not on her wooden balance board, and then asking her to get dressed, and she had a huge fit, spitting at me, lashing out. So I said to her our trip out for strawberries was cancelled as I just didn't have it in me now to go through with the battle of her not getting dressed and listening to me safely with getting the bus etc.

So she has another huge fit and said for me to kill her and I said no. Then, and this is the first time this has happened, she said 'im going to do it myself them' and marched off. I said how are you going to do that? And she said 'with a knife'. So I grabbed hold of her and called 111. She's on triage for someone to call back but they said it won't be today. I don't know what to do. She's calmed down after I told her I was contacting a doctor.

I'm in shock so sorry if I sound a bit detached.

I don't know what to do. She has a social worker allocated since the self harm comments, she's been referred for camhs, and we're waiting on ADHD and autism assessments.

We've been home since sat night. I'm not supposed to take my DD out really and been told by SS to wait for cahms to come round. I've been told they're coming round tomorrow but not had actual confirmation from CAHMS themselves or been given a time.

I've pushed the private ADHD/autism assessment centre, which we got through right to choose, for the assessment to be expedited, but they're asking for a CAHMS letter to be able to continue as they said they can't see her otherwise, as it's an unsafe situation.

I've just had a call from Evelina who we were referred to for a second opinion by NHS paediatrician a few months ago, and they've given us an appointment in three weeks. The lady on the phone was so lovely and said it's a three hour appointment with different specialists including an OT, a speech and language and others. She said it will really help me for getting my EHCP and she kept reiterating that they were simply the best. I'm going to look at hotels for the night before as it's a 9.30 am appointment.

Social worker is coming round tomorrow and wants to start their assessment process. She said they pretty much can't do anything and it's all on CAHMS to support.

Keep us updated girl, so glad things are at least moving

Its such a faff just to get the basic help, honestly. But youre doing right by your little one xx

@Mumonthebrink2025
I really have nothing useful to add but I wanted to send you a massive hug, what a dreadful situation to be in. I have a DS with an SN profile, he once uttered something like this when he was 8 & even now a decade later it still distresses me to think of it, so I can’t imagine what’s it’s like for you with it happening regularly. I really hope services get their act together soon. I’m sorry I don’t have anything more constructive to say but I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. There are some amazing women on here & I’m sure they’ll be able to offer support & kindness. Take care 💐

Edited because my phone changed ‘some amazing’ to ‘done snacking.’ I don’t think any of us are done snacking 😉

snacking is all that is keeping me going through this :) and dd too, it's one of her obsessions.

thank you, i will keep you all updated.

you're all so kind, i appreciate it.

i'm just trying to find some time for myself and do things i enjoy again whilst we're locked indoors, but i'm finding it hard to focus until everything's sorted. been sent a 15 topic questionnaire by evelina which wants everything answered in detailed, about every aspect of my life, and did about 3 or four of the topics and given up. going to just do one a day between now and the appointment.

That’s the best way to do it otherwise you just get completely overwhelmed and give up. Everything involves so much form filling and great detail, it’s exhausting. Good luck 💐

CAHMS never showed up.

I called them and they said there never was an appointment even though they told the hospital that. Social worker contacted them and they called me and asked the same questions all over again and then said they didn't think they could do anything as it's neurodiversity related.

Waiting for them to call me again with more information.

Oh god

This sounds so difficult OP. Others will have better advice but just wanted to add in case helpful that some of this is reminding me of children who have been molested acting out. Just in case that's something that is a possibility and could be found out somehow.

There are experts in child therapy who may be able to help. Expensive but I'd go high quality private even if just for 4 sessions to see what's going on and if there is something deeper.

Good luck OP, hang in there, I'm sure you are doing a great job

This isn't an immediate fix, as you need to read it, but look into "the explosive child book" ... It is amazing and transformed our life with our ND child. So many parents have said the same and I promise that it isn't just another load of judgey parenting advice... It's actually an incredible method that WORKS. Our violent child who before would try to smash windows, or would crack walls and ceilings, hit/kick/punch us etc. is much calmer now, for reading this book and shifting our approach to life. There are brilliant advice groups for it on Facebook too x

Edited to add - our child that I mentioned above is ND (ASD and ADHD) and can be physically/verbally aggressive. EHCP is going to be awarded next month once the council have sorted their paperwork!!!! There is hope. We've been battling this for years. But there is hope.

Ps. Also look at carers allowance for yourself. Ask Citizens Advice for help x

i can't get carer's allowance because i'm on universal credit, they just take it back £ for £, unfortunately. Thank you though.

i called the local priory and it's a 3 week wait for an assessment for meds. we have an appointment in 3 weeks at the evelina anyway. i did find one of their therapists locally though at £65 an hour so i've contacted them to see about a few sessions. I've got £1500 in savings and £7k of credit card debt so that'll be fun paying that.

She's only been with me and my mum and we haven't been molesting her.

I just wanted to add that I went through similar when my DS was primary age. He'd say he wanted to die, and kill me, he'd bang his head against a wall repeatedly. I'd also experienced a loss through suicide when I was younger so it really really hurt to hear him say these words.

I reached out for help but nothing came of it, sometimes I wondered if I was just over reacting because of my past trauma so doubted myself.

When he was calmer he said he was just unable to deal with his feelings and this was how he coped, but that he didn't mean what he was saying.

We must have got lucky really because without help, he totally grew out of it in secondary school and he is like a completely different child. Very happy and calm now, no outbursts, adjusted well to life. Maybe he learned how to deal with overwhelming feelings with time and maturity.

I hope you both manage to get through this, I understand how it hurts your heart to hear and see these strong, overwhelming feelings.

Thank you, that's really helpful and really means a lot. They do have me doubting myself a lot, saying things like 'its just behaviour', but this isn't behaviour it's like you said, a dangerous coping mechanism for really strong feelings which she needs help for.

I also lost a friend to her father's suicide where he murdered his own children at the same time, so it's also really triggering for me. I'm sorry for your loss also :( I'm glad your boy is okay now.

Hello I am so sorry for what you are going through, it must be totally devastating for you and exhausting as you battle to get support. Something that a friend of mine’s son was recently diagnosed with is PDA - pathological demand avoidance, which I think is linked to autism. The way she handles it is the opposite to how you would expect but she has managed to find a lot of useful info, research and books. Her child was seriously masking and then went into burn out with seriously violent outbursts etc. Look into it and if you think it sounds familiar there are lots of support groups etc on Facebook and I can find out from her what her recommendations are too. I really hope you and your poor daughter both get some respite from what you’re both going through.

So sorry to hear this OP. It sounds terrible for you both. She sounds like she may be Autistic with a PDA profile (Pathological Demand Avoidance). I should say I have no expert knowledge and could be wrong. There’s an account on Instagram called atpeaceparents (Casey Ehrlich is the lady) and some of her videos seem really helpful.

Sorry wrong thread.

Still following op, sorry youre having a nightmare with cahms x

Yes I think PDA too @sakura06 and @Neep1 she was going to my mum's each weekend over summer holidays so I could do driving lessons and she's selective mute and I guess all that masking time has affected her. I'm hoping that she just needs a few more days of being erratic and angry and she might feel herself again. She was pretty angry when I first took her out of school but she did calm down after a couple of months. But nothing as extreme as this. It's also been really hot and she hates the heat and she had some mosquito bites for a few weeks at one point which were driving her up the wall.

I might take her out tomorrow in the buggy and see if that helps her a bit to regulate.

You should claim it anyway because it gives you Class 1 National Insurance credits rather than the Class 3 credits that child benefit gives. They'll take it back off of you £1 for £1 but it's still worth it.

Are you claiming the carers element of Universal Credit? That's separate to carers allowance and will give you an extra £201.68 on your basic award.

I’m sorry you are going through this. This sounds very similar to my 10 year old daughter. She gets herself so worked up and angry.

Have you looked into PDA, I’m awaiting a diagnosis, a while to wait yet. I folllow a PDA parents group on Facebook and we all have very similar stories. I’ve been trying to implement low demand parenting which I find is helping slightly x

Does she cope on the bus? (During a quiet part of the day, like mid morning)

I saw another woman on tiktok say that it helps her son to regulate when distressed x

I got those credits anyway through universal credit.

I can't get carers element as I get limited capacity for work for fibromyalgia and hsd, and you're not allowed to get both.

Thanks anyway, appreciate the effort.