That we are never invited to MIL & FIL’s home

Dumbledormer · 2025-09-04T08:21:55+00:00

My in-laws have a large beautiful home with gardens spanning a couple of acres. We live 10 minutes away with DS4 and DD2 in a more normal sized house that’s mid renovation. I realised, after talking to a friend recently that we hadn’t been invited to their home in just over 2 years since DD was a baby. We see them quite frequently though, but always out or at our home. In-laws are fit and in their mid 50’s. MIL doesn’t work but does a huge amount to maintain the house and gardens and we usually see her once a week for a couple of hours during the holidays. They aren’t particularly engaging grandparents and prefer to watch them play or for us all to go out for lunch rather than be involved in the playing (which is fair - I hate it too) but overall they say the right things about how much they love the grandkids but I just feel a bit sad that they don’t ever want to see us or the kids at their home.

Chickenintheoven · 04/09/2025 09:26

Maybe they find it easier at your house as you have all the toys / books and baby proofing there.

Octavia64 · 04/09/2025 09:28

Baby proofing a house can be a really big deal.

my parents did it for us but I never really realised how much of an effort it was,

PIL didn’t and honestly we spent our shops time saying “don’t touch that it might break”. V stressful.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2025 09:37

Were you invited before you had kids?

mindutopia · 04/09/2025 09:38

This happened to us when we had our first. I spent about 3-4 years simply thinking they hated me. It turned out that MIL’s husband (not dh’s dad) is a convicted sexual offender and is not allowed contact with children in the home beyond a certain number of hours as per his probation or whatever, unless they notified us and Dh and I signed off on our consent. Dh knew he’d gone to prison before they met, but they aren’t a family who talks about anything but the weather 🙄 so he’d never actually been like, oi, mum, what did Bob go to prison for and should we be worried about that?! I had no idea (it happened before we met).

So that was that. We now don’t go over to their house because there is a paedo living there. I haven’t crossed the threshold in over a decade. We only see MIL in very limited supervised ways (never her partner).

I’m not saying that this is what’s happening here, but I think it’s odd behaviour to not welcome family into your home. My guess is there is something going on that they don’t want to be open about (hoarding, struggling with something, living very separate lives that you’d only know if you saw the house set up, etc).

saraclara · 04/09/2025 09:42

You live ten minutes away. Do you never say 'are you around? Can we pop in for a coffee? The kids would love to see you'.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/09/2025 09:43

I don’t love having small children around to my house. It isn’t childproofed, I have a lot of stuff I don’t want children touching or climbing on, and not everyone who visits is terribly reliable at acting immediately when DC begin getting restless and running about. If you have your own house with all your DC’s toys and where they’re comfortable and free to behave as they’re allowed to in their own home, it’s probably a much better grandchild-grandparent relationship than one where they’re always having to be watched, told “no”, and only have the handful of toys you’ve brought with you. I’d imagine your DC prefer that, and going on outings with their grandparents, anyway.

Original poster

Dumbledormer · 04/09/2025 09:44

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2025 09:37

Were you invited before you had kids?

Yes, but two of DH’s siblings still sporadically lived there at that time and now all kids have moved out. We visited quite often when we just had DS as well but maybe when he turned 2 it all felt a bit much for them.

OP posts:

W0tnow · 04/09/2025 09:46

Well, I think it’s odd. If I had a massive house and gardens I’d have my grandchildren over all the time. I don’t know about baby proofing. I didn’t ever really do anything when my kids were younger beyond a stair gate and child proof stuff on kitchen cupboards.

Original poster

Dumbledormer · 04/09/2025 09:52

Octavia64 · 04/09/2025 09:28

Baby proofing a house can be a really big deal.

my parents did it for us but I never really realised how much of an effort it was,

PIL didn’t and honestly we spent our shops time saying “don’t touch that it might break”. V stressful.

Yeah, this might be a big part of it. They also have 3 dogs and a pool so that might also be contributing to their reluctance. However, the pool is completely separate behind a locked gate.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dumbledormer · 04/09/2025 09:54

mindutopia · 04/09/2025 09:38

This happened to us when we had our first. I spent about 3-4 years simply thinking they hated me. It turned out that MIL’s husband (not dh’s dad) is a convicted sexual offender and is not allowed contact with children in the home beyond a certain number of hours as per his probation or whatever, unless they notified us and Dh and I signed off on our consent. Dh knew he’d gone to prison before they met, but they aren’t a family who talks about anything but the weather 🙄 so he’d never actually been like, oi, mum, what did Bob go to prison for and should we be worried about that?! I had no idea (it happened before we met).

So that was that. We now don’t go over to their house because there is a paedo living there. I haven’t crossed the threshold in over a decade. We only see MIL in very limited supervised ways (never her partner).

I’m not saying that this is what’s happening here, but I think it’s odd behaviour to not welcome family into your home. My guess is there is something going on that they don’t want to be open about (hoarding, struggling with something, living very separate lives that you’d only know if you saw the house set up, etc).

Oh my god, that’s awful! Thank you for sharing (new fear unlocked) and hopefully that’s not what is going on here.

OP posts:

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 04/09/2025 09:55

My grandchildren are always welcome in my home. However its much easier for me to visit them in their homes. Their home is baby/toddler proof whereas mine isn’t. They have all their toys and things in their own home, in mine its a case of a few toys and constantly stopping them from touching things they could break or are dangerous.

haveyouopenedyourbowelstoday · 04/09/2025 09:56

I think I get it. We have our toddler grandson one full day a week plus other times and our house is like a playroom. I struggle with the mess but tidy up when he’s gone.
Our house would look very different if he didn’t come, but I also wouldn’t have the same relationship with him.

Pissenlit · 04/09/2025 09:57

What @ComtesseDeSpair said. And yes, much easier all round to see grandchildren in their own home.

stayathomer · 04/09/2025 09:59

The 3 dogs might definitely be the issue, they might also just not think about it and find it easier to meet out!

rainbowstardrops · 04/09/2025 10:00

Is their house really tidy and clean? Maybe they just don’t fancy little ones messing it up?

Original poster

Dumbledormer · 04/09/2025 10:08

W0tnow · 04/09/2025 09:46

Well, I think it’s odd. If I had a massive house and gardens I’d have my grandchildren over all the time. I don’t know about baby proofing. I didn’t ever really do anything when my kids were younger beyond a stair gate and child proof stuff on kitchen cupboards.

Edited

This is what I’d want to be like with my own grandchildren but maybe I’ll feel differently when the time comes.

Our house is part building site and not child proofed at all. The kids are just supervised closely and it astounds me the in-laws want to visit our place at all when they could have a glass of wine on their beautiful terrace outside watching the kids run around the huge lawn with a football. This is selfish of me though. I also want that glass of wine on the terrace in the summer 😅

OP posts:

BigBilly · 04/09/2025 10:13

This does sound weird, you'd think they might reciprocate invites like any other relationship does! I have never set foot in my in-laws house, despite them claiming they want a close relationship with our daughter. My husband says it's because their house is full of crap and you can't move in there, but if I wanted to see my granddaughter so much I think I might make the effort to tidy up 😉

Endofyear · 04/09/2025 10:13

We never waited for an invitation to visit in laws, or my mum and dad. We'd just ring and say are you in today/tomorrow can we pop in lunchtime? I think it's odd to never visit their house, although they probably think it's easier to visit you as all the children's toys etc are there.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 04/09/2025 10:16

It sounds as if they're houseproud, & don't want to risk anything being broken.

Diarygirlqueen · 04/09/2025 10:18

Were you not invited round during summer to use their pool? I would have been on the phone!

ChiefCakeTestertoMaryBerry · 04/09/2025 10:21

That sounds a lovely place to visit, certainly in the summer, and spend time with children, so seems a bit odd they don’t invite you.

My dad almost never invites us to his house and just comes to us. I specifically asked to visit this summer as my children could barely remember his house. I hadn’t seen his wife for 3.5 years. I think he just prefers to come to us to have some lunch, chat a bit and then head back.

heldinadream · 04/09/2025 10:21

Could the dogs be a big issue? What kind of dogs, do the children like the dogs, do the dogs like the children? Would they have to lock the dogs up somewhere if you were over there?

irregularegular · 04/09/2025 10:22

That's a bit odd, but I have to say that with immediate family we've never really asked to be invited. We've always just said "We'd like to come and see you soon, what date/time works for you". Or "could we come and see you some time over the Easter weekend" (or whatever). And our siblings/parents do the same. I would think that is normal? What happens if you do this?

RisingSunn · 04/09/2025 10:27

Endofyear · 04/09/2025 10:13

We never waited for an invitation to visit in laws, or my mum and dad. We'd just ring and say are you in today/tomorrow can we pop in lunchtime? I think it's odd to never visit their house, although they probably think it's easier to visit you as all the children's toys etc are there.

Yes - I can’t imagine my children needing an invite to their grandparents.

(Though agree - much easier for them to visit)

LittleNote55 · 04/09/2025 10:30

What does DH say? It is quite unusual.