That we are never invited to MIL & FIL’s home

[Dumbledormer]

My in-laws have a large beautiful home with gardens spanning a couple of acres. We live 10 minutes away with DS4 and DD2 in a more normal sized house that’s mid renovation.

I realised, after talking to a friend recently that we hadn’t been invited to their home in just over 2 years since DD was a baby. We see them quite frequently though, but always out or at our home. In-laws are fit and in their mid 50’s. MIL doesn’t work but does a huge amount to maintain the house and gardens and we usually see her once a week for a couple of hours during the holidays. They aren’t particularly engaging grandparents and prefer to watch them play or for us all to go out for lunch rather than be involved in the playing (which is fair - I hate it too) but overall they say the right things about how much they love the grandkids but I just feel a bit sad that they don’t ever want to see us or the kids at their home.

If they're serious gardeners, they probably don't want a two and a four year old ripping the heads off blooms or swinging off new saplings.

Maybe they’re thinking the same - that you never come to their house. Was it usually by invite only before you had kids? I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to my parents or my PILs house, we just go. It seems quite formal to be invited to your own parents house.

My daughter is pregnant and I've already started to worry about visits from her and her baby. I have a dog who isn't used to children (and can be a bit belligerent even with adults) and a pond, plus steep steps to the lawn and a lot of spiky bushes. I'd far rather meet at her house when the baby is toddling than worry about all those things, plus not having toys or equipment here. Once children can open doors easily, putting the dog away and closing the back door becomes less viable and we all know how children can escape when parents' attention is diverted.

Far better to meet in an environment which is known to the child, even if it's not child proofed.

We will be the grandparents with the large house, garden and pool. No dogs though.

Our children are welcome whenever they want to visit. We have never invited them. They just tell us when they are coming. Perhaps @Dumbledormer they don't think an actual invitation is required. Have you never rung them and said, we'd live to see you this pm, can we pop.round for a couple of hours?

I know, the kids would love the pool as well!

I don’t know why we don’t pop round. It feels like it’s been too long to be able to do it now. I think it’s because they have active social lives and are rubbish with answering their phones and even the front door (the house is that big they can’t hear it in certain rooms) so we always had to let them know in advance otherwise we’d just be waiting on the doorstep until they realised.

I think when the siblings lived at home they did more family get togethers at their house and now they’ve gone it just seems to have fizzled out.

I’ve not been to my mums for about four years. (Well couple of times on the doorstep ) as she doesn’t want me round as I had the absolute cheek in her mind to object to her badly behaved dog so she told me not to come round. That was easier for her than saying yes it is a nightmare let me sort it out. She’s a lot older though, I’m a similar age to your in laws. It’s odd isnt how we can’t just ask why/have a normal convert just not that sort of family! My mum apart from when she lashed out and said don’t come round has never referred to the incident and neither have I.

It’s really hard to remember, I think we started to invite them and the family to ours a bit more because it got difficult when our eldest was no longer a baby and couldn’t stay out for long in the evening. There was no drama with it though, it came from us saying things like “oh sorry we can’t stay for longer, would you like to come to ours next weekend instead and I’ll make dinner?” and I can’t pinpoint when we stopped getting invitations round but must have been shortly after that.

I don't think there's anything too difficult to understand going on here. Small children, even well behaved and well supervised, can make a mess, even if it's just sticky fingers everywhere. And if they take a lot of trouble in the garden, likely they don't want it trampling ok er. That's before we get to any worries about dogs and pools.

Once your own children aren't small anymore you are not used to all of that.

I imagine in a few years when the children are a bit older things might change.

I think it's more sad your dc don't have a relationship with the ddogs.... Maybe they are why you aren't invited. Seems quite a responsible decision tbh... They know their ddogs best.

I think we started to invite them and the family to ours a bit more because it got difficult when our eldest was no longer a baby and couldn’t stay out for long in the evening. There was no drama with it though, it came from us saying things like “oh sorry we can’t stay for longer, would you like to come to ours next weekend instead and I’ll make dinner?” and I can’t pinpoint when we stopped getting invitations round but must have been shortly after that.

Maybe that’s the crux of it, that it became obvious that it was easier for you to entertain them at your house once you had a toddler and they’ve just got into the habit of doing that, and tbf you do have a toddler again, atm! Maybe you could start your dc with swimming lessons, and say to the ILs next summer that it would be fantastic if the children were able to practice in their pool! Does your dh have any input, or don’t you discuss it with him?

That seems odd to me. I feel the opposite! The relationship and the fun we have when they come to me is so much better! They see coming to my house as a treat, and I struggle to get them to go on days out, because they like coming to my house more! They have 'Grandma's toys' here that they look forward to playing with, they like the different routines, and they like the walks and activities that they've come to expect when they come here. I love it.

Visiting at their house puts me a bit out of my comfort zone, as I'm the guest.

They don't want the hassle of hosting or the possibility of sticky hands on furniture, spilled milk, broken window.

They want to maintain their calm sanctuary.

I see that, but if, as the OP suggests, they're serious gardeners and houseproud people, then the mess, necessity for supervision and/or childproofing, damage to garden etc may outweigh the potential fun, especially if they're not particularly hands on anyway.

I haven't been invited to my parents or in-laws in my entire life!

We just turn up, generally after texting to make sure they are in.

"Hi Sue!
The kids and i baked some cupcakes i though it would be nice if we popped over to yours later today or tomorrow and had some together. The kids can have a run around in the garden - what do you think?"

I think it is the pool that perplexes me the most - hasn't DH said to his parents - could we come over and use the pool, we would like to help DS practise his swimming??
Most people with pools love having people use it as it justifies the cost of having it!!

Dh has 3 gc under 8 and we don't have them here though we live 20 mins away. Our house is small and lots of stuff which could be broken. We meet at theirs or go out for walks/ lunches.
It's too stressful for everyone otherwise.

It doesn't sound like they are particularly hands on, and maybe that's just how they want to be. I do think it's odd but it's up to them how close a relationship they want to build with their grandchildren. Some people are more formal about their home, do they often invite other people over or host dinners and parties? M

My parents and in laws have always been open house to us but they also provided a lot of childcare and now DC are teens they still have sleepovers there with their cousins or stay there if we're out etc. I presume your ILs don't provide any childcare?

I’d be wanting my kids to make use of the pool on a nice sunny day. Feels odd the grandparents don’t offer that. But sounds like they don’t want to do that, or they’d have offered.

I find it bizarre that anyone would put protecting their ornaments over spending quality time with their grandkids.

It's got to be possible to childproof one room and get some toys in, without it being a huge inconvenience. And it's been summer! Surely they can play in the GPs' perfect garden? My daughter and her partner have a garden that's their pride and joy, but they still share it with their little nieces, get them involved in digging and harvesting, and have just trained them to listen to which areas are out of bounds.

My house would be a death trap for small kids. There are steep steps (without handrails) in both front and back gardens and the indoor stairs are steep and narrow too.

I'd be beyond anxious.