To be upset about in laws

[Jules198711]

I have 2 DDs aged 7 and 4. My inlaws used to adore them, always wanted to see them, would call regularly to check up on them etc.

Sil has a 15 month old DS and it feels like literally from the second he was born things have changed. They do provide childcare for SIL which they didn't need to for us (we live an hour away and dds are now at school full time anyway) so I understand they will see him more. But what is upsetting me is we literally hear nothing from them anymore. DH takes the girls to see them every 2-3 weeks always initiated by us (sometimes I go depending if I am working - I sometimes work weekends) but in between that they don't call, text, nothing.

Not even a message on DDs first day of school to ask how she got on. Yet they are always posting pictures of DNephew on social media etc and seem to spend alot of time with him outwith when SIL is working.

It wouldn't bother me if they had always been this way with DDs, but it seems as soon as SILs baby came along a switch happened and they have dropped my DDs like hot potatoes.

DH just shrugs and agrees it's rubbish but won't ever say anything.

So
AIBU to be hurt by this?

I should add I still regularly send them pictures of DDs to keep them up to date and majority of the time these get ignored.

I would also be that if I was in your situation, I would maybe have a conversation about it and if nothing still changes then don’t go out your way anymore, let them visit you when you’re free.
My partner is the exact same as he wouldn’t say anything to them even when they have made comments about me or the kids and it still causes us problems now, it’s hard

Tbh I’m dying for my SIL to have a baby to take some of the pressure off me and our children. In laws hounding for time with the kids and if I’ve ever said no because we already have plans in the diary then they kick off and say I’m rude. It’s exhausting. And it makes me want to see them less.
so yeah I can’t wait for other grandchildren to share some of the intense pressure with

Seriously, I would quietly stop sending photographs, updates and calling them - match their energy. They are getting all the information and the latest photos to show their friends and put on social media for no effort at all. In their eyes, they are in touch but once you stop doing all the work they may realise how far they have stepped back.

I’ve heard this story in similar situations quite a few times and have experience of it myself. For some reason the maternal daughter’s family’s seem to take precedence over the son’s kids and partners.

I agree with matching their energy. Don’t make a big thing of it, just stop sending pics and causing yourself disappointment. They are being unfair.

Another vote for matching their energy. Stop sending them photos and updates.

ILs stopped seeing our DC when their youngest DD's DD was born. Nephew came along 6 years later and niece has gone from the apple of their eye to someone barely tolerated.

We have never received childcare support from ILs. I think DSIL is making a making mistake allowing her DPsto look after her children. They are not fit or capable.

I dnno did you tell them that they couldn’t visit until you and baby and DH had bonded as a family unit and made it really difficult to have a relationship with their grandchildren? Maybe they just find their daughter more open to facilitating a relationship? This is what happens when you say ‘oh it’s just me and my little bubble of our family’ their daughter probably is more open and accepting of a relationship

Why are you assuming that?

In my experience SIL DC and life is far more important and interesting to MIL than ours. Our DC did something new or exciting? Well SILs DC did something else so let's talk about that. We went on holiday...but let's just talk about SIL holiday and what they did. It's tiresome and my eldest is starting to notice the favouritism which is a bit sad but DH won't say anything as it will just get her back up.

90% of posts on here are about how the woman has kept their in laws at arms length and then wonder why their In laws don’t give a shit

I’d stop it all. The photos, the visits.

Let them miss you and do the running for a change.

Unfortunately it’s what it is, it’s not nice so I can see why you’re upset but you can’t change them or insist that they must care more about your kids so you should stop sending them regular updates and pictures since they ignore them, adjust your expectations going forward and focus on your family.

I’ve seen this many times where grandkids from their daughters take precedence over grandkids from the DIL especially when daughters tend to be closer to their mothers than sons who tend to be at arms length and distant. I’m not saying it’s right I’m just saying it’s what it is so as others said match their energy, adjust your expectations so you don’t get upset and leave them to it.

Do your kids have a relationship with your parents?

@Pizaa no I didn't make it difficult for them to see the kids at all. They were always welcome and I spent alot of time with mil when I was on mat leave.

@SpryUmberZebra yeah they do have a relationship with my mum (dad has passed) we see her about once a fortnight aswell, she lives closer than inlaws but has a busy life - she is the same with Dsis kids so at least she is consistent.

Yep. This.

No more photos or updates.

My mil is similar, but obviously she is closer to her own daughter, they live nearer and she provides childcare. You can’t change any of that, so either you let them crack on and you let it annoy you, or you crack on too and let DH send his mum photos, keep mil updated and let him take DC to visit whenever he likes. It’s hard, but it doesn’t have to be.

Just ask them what the problem is?

This happened to us. However, my DH wouldn't tolerate it and called them out. They denied it of course, but their attitude did change after the discussion and we had no further problems.

Ooft this is hurtful, but I agree with PP’s about matching their energy and protecting your peace a bit here. Not quite the same as my MIL and FIL adore my DC, see them often and we talk most days about them, but my DH and I have very large and involved families on both sides. On his side, there’s a WhatsApp group for the whole extended family, so essentially my PILs, grandparents in laws, aunts, uncles etc etc (may sound a bit bonkers and it is but we’re all very close and see each other often so it doesn’t feel strange to us!). Anyway, my SIL and BIL post endless photos of their DC and without fail are met with enthusiastic and loving responses. They also post about their own news and again are met with excitement and general interest. if I or my DH ever posted a picture of our DC it was always met with total silence except by my sweet MIL! I wouldn’t have minded if everyone was met with silence but it was the disparity between the two which so annoyed me! Now, I only send photos in the PIL WhatsApp group, I literally haven’t posted in the other group for a year now and neither has my DH. I have it archived and muted and it’s honestly been so much better for me happiness levels not thinking about it or confronting it each day! So yes it IS hurtful and it sucks, but quietly protect yourself a bit here and don’t send things anymore! I’m sorry though :(

Not acknowledging the pictures of your DDs is thoughtless and mean. Just stop sending them. How do your in-laws behave when your DH takes them to visit? Are they kind and loving or aren't they really bothered about seeing them? If it is the latter, I'd tell DH to stop taking them. Don't beg for crumbs from their table. Pull back completely before your children are aware of the disparity in treatment between them and SIL's DS.

Yeah I say if I could pick grandparents for my kids it would be dn grandparents.
i guess there’s something about your dds kids vs your sons kids.
for those saying match their energy, I did this after many years of trying. After a handful of months they noticed and started complaining I wasn’t making enough effort and dh (who knows the whole story!) suggested I meet them in the middle🙄

I'm in the same boat with my own Mum. Was very into my kids until my brother had his and then we were dropped. Always made it very clear she wouldn't do any childcare (absolutely her right, we never asked due to knowing she didn't want to) and as soon as my brother had kids, guess what? She is quite happy to do it for them. We all live in the same village so my kids have to see their Gran picking up the cousins from school every week and never them!

As well as she has them for regular sleepovers at the weekend so my Brother and SiL can go away and enjoy themselves. She has never had all mine for a sleepover.

Talking to her about it fell in deaf ears so have had to go LC with her now as I can't stand it. When I did spend time with her, all she talked about was my nieces so I gave up!

It really sucks. People always say to me it's her loss, which it is but I also feel it's mine too as I always wanted a close relationship with my Mum.

I agree with this. Women wants to lay the rules down then get shocked when people can’t be asked to put the effort in anymore.