Page 2 | To be upset about in laws

Theroadt · 04/09/2025 07:40

Jules198711 · 03/09/2025 21:29

I have 2 DDs aged 7 and 4. My inlaws used to adore them, always wanted to see them, would call regularly to check up on them etc.

Sil has a 15 month old DS and it feels like literally from the second he was born things have changed. They do provide childcare for SIL which they didn't need to for us (we live an hour away and dds are now at school full time anyway) so I understand they will see him more. But what is upsetting me is we literally hear nothing from them anymore. DH takes the girls to see them every 2-3 weeks always initiated by us (sometimes I go depending if I am working - I sometimes work weekends) but in between that they don't call, text, nothing.

Not even a message on DDs first day of school to ask how she got on. Yet they are always posting pictures of DNephew on social media etc and seem to spend alot of time with him outwith when SIL is working.

It wouldn't bother me if they had always been this way with DDs, but it seems as soon as SILs baby came along a switch happened and they have dropped my DDs like hot potatoes.

DH just shrugs and agrees it's rubbish but won't ever say anything.

So
AIBU to be hurt by this?

Unfortunately lots of parents have favourites, and your DH is obviously not the favourite. Same with us - my husband is not the favourite so MIL lavishes attention on her younger son’s kids. I think maintain contact for kids’ sake but move on mentally from it.

TheYouYouAre · 04/09/2025 09:42

TheUsualChaos · 04/09/2025 00:13

In my experience SIL DC and life is far more important and interesting to MIL than ours. Our DC did something new or exciting? Well SILs DC did something else so let's talk about that. We went on holiday...but let's just talk about SIL holiday and what they did. It's tiresome and my eldest is starting to notice the favouritism which is a bit sad but DH won't say anything as it will just get her back up.

I have exactly the same situation. I agree with your husband that bringing it up won't help. I think we would be met with stubborn defensiveness and the situation would only become worse. Sadly, the effect of this is that my husband and I have matched the energy by subtlety withdrawing. Sharing less about our children and no longer trying to facilitate a better relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.

GoBackToTheStart · 04/09/2025 09:48

ioveelephants · 04/09/2025 07:08

I agree with this. Women wants to lay the rules down then get shocked when people can’t be asked to put the effort in anymore.

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Honestly, how much projection can you both fit into a post?

The ILs have been actively involved for approx the last six years. They see them regularly and don’t even need to do the travel. The only change was the arrival of another DGC that lives closer.

”It’s your fault for keeping them at arm’s length when your child was born even though that doesn’t tie in with the post at all”. Did you even bother reading the post or are you just ILs that overstepped and have had boundaries put in place by your DILs that you’re bitter about? Baffling.

I agree with other PPs Op. Match their energy. It’s exhausting chasing for something when you get nothing back. Your DCs are at an age where they will notice the disparity soon enough, and maybe that will make your ILs realise.

IdontgiveaFork · 04/09/2025 09:52

Drop the rope . Let your husband do all the running and organising contact . Step back and get on with your life . Their loss .

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/09/2025 09:58

Do you not think it's worth a conversation OP? Doesn't need to be an accusation of favouring the SIL grandkids. Just asking if everything is OK as they don't ask about or seem to want to see the kids any more and the kids have noticed, is there anything behind it

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2025 10:19

Pizaa · 04/09/2025 00:16

90% of posts on here are about how the woman has kept their in laws at arms length and then wonder why their In laws don’t give a shit

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But you don't know that here

Original poster

Jules198711 · 04/09/2025 10:36

Just to clarify I have never kept my inlaws at arms length as PP states. They were at the hospital with dd1 less than an hour after she was born! The only reason that wasn't the case for dd2 was that she was born during covid so no visitors were allowed. I've never told them they can't see the kids, we have always made sure we have equally shared times at Christmas etc with both sides. If anything until recently they seen my inlaws more than my mum. We have always allowed them to be as involved as they wanted to be.

Answering another PP yes I do think a conversation needs to be had about it, I just don't want to be the one to bring it up incase they get defensive and then the whole thing is made worse. DH is so laid back (too laid back) and will not mention anything to them, which tbh is starting to cause issues with us.

I think everyone is right and I need to just take a step back and leave it up to DH because it is not good for my mental health at this point.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 04/09/2025 10:55

I wouldn’t agree to match their energy, in life there has to be a bigger person or else your children are the ones that suffer (dsis used to initiate a lot of family meet ups and when her job got full on everything fell by the wayside- all our fault and we’re building it back up). As a result all the cousins don’t know each other and it’s a shame. I think you’re fab that you continue pictures etc

Katflapkit · 04/09/2025 11:43

The thing about a conversation, they will immediately get defensive. They will say, your girls had all their attention for 'x' years and now it's 'y's' turn. If they are doing childcare for the other child then they will say that family needs them more at this time. They may accuse you of being jealous of SIL.

If it's just a rant about how unfair it is and how your girls miss them. Keep it on here

Thursdayschild2025 · 04/09/2025 11:45

Jules198711 · 04/09/2025 10:36

Just to clarify I have never kept my inlaws at arms length as PP states. They were at the hospital with dd1 less than an hour after she was born! The only reason that wasn't the case for dd2 was that she was born during covid so no visitors were allowed. I've never told them they can't see the kids, we have always made sure we have equally shared times at Christmas etc with both sides. If anything until recently they seen my inlaws more than my mum. We have always allowed them to be as involved as they wanted to be.

Answering another PP yes I do think a conversation needs to be had about it, I just don't want to be the one to bring it up incase they get defensive and then the whole thing is made worse. DH is so laid back (too laid back) and will not mention anything to them, which tbh is starting to cause issues with us.

I think everyone is right and I need to just take a step back and leave it up to DH because it is not good for my mental health at this point.

Yep and it will be awful for your children when they realise you are the one doing all the chasing and their grandparents are disinterested. Don't set them up to chase these people for attention.

They might come to their senses if you just match their energy completely. Otherwise, you and your children are missing out on absolutely nothing. Having to beg for attention is far worse than simply moving on and not worrying about people who don't worry about you.

YeatsWater · 04/09/2025 11:53

Jules198711 · 04/09/2025 10:36

Just to clarify I have never kept my inlaws at arms length as PP states. They were at the hospital with dd1 less than an hour after she was born! The only reason that wasn't the case for dd2 was that she was born during covid so no visitors were allowed. I've never told them they can't see the kids, we have always made sure we have equally shared times at Christmas etc with both sides. If anything until recently they seen my inlaws more than my mum. We have always allowed them to be as involved as they wanted to be.

Answering another PP yes I do think a conversation needs to be had about it, I just don't want to be the one to bring it up incase they get defensive and then the whole thing is made worse. DH is so laid back (too laid back) and will not mention anything to them, which tbh is starting to cause issues with us.

I think everyone is right and I need to just take a step back and leave it up to DH because it is not good for my mental health at this point.

Well, maybe take a leaf out of your DH's playbook. He's not bothered, or not bothered enough to do anything about it, so why are you so much more upset? Would you feel the same way if there were no other grandchildren involved, and if your PILs had just stopped being quite as interested in your children as they had been?