To feel a little heartbroken about having a boy

[bm2b]

I already have a daughter and recently found out that this baby is a boy. I feel incredibly grateful to be pregnant again, and I know how lucky I am to be carrying a healthy baby. I already love him, and I know I’ll adore him completely when he arrives. But I’ve been caught off guard by this quiet feeling of sadness that I didn’t expect.

I’m very close to my mum. We speak every day, go on little trips together, help each other out, and are part of each other’s daily lives. I’ve started to build something similar with my daughter, even though she’s still young, and I suppose I imagined continuing that dynamic with another girl.

With a boy, I’m not sure what that relationship will look like in the long term. In so many families I’ve seen, sons gradually become more distant from their parents as they get older, especially once they have partners and children of their own. It often ends up being the wife’s parents who are more involved, while his own mum becomes more of an occasional visitor.

Of course there are exceptions. I can think of the odd “friend of a friend’s cousin” whose son stayed close and prioritised both sides of the family equally, or doesn’t automatically side with his partner when she’s being unfair. But in my experience, that feels like the exception rather than the norm.

I also worry about what raising a boy will be like day to day. I know it’s a stereotype, but the boys I’ve been around — nephews, friends’ kids — tend to be more energetic, more physical, and more chaotic. I’m a bit afraid I won’t enjoy that stage as much, or that I won’t know how to connect with him in the same way.

If anyone has felt this way too, I’d love to hear from you. Especially mums of older boys — did the bond end up being just as close, even if it looked a bit different? What parts of having a son surprised you in a good way?

Again with the same trope.... 'girls are cold blooded hostile zombies with a rock for a heart,' and 'boys are so sooooo loving and cuddly and affectionate!' 🙄

Praise boys by all means, but shitting all over girls to do it, is not a good look, and is totally unnecessary! I really hope you (and other posters spouting this kind of stuff) are not projecting this favouritism for your sons onto your daughters!

You're worrying about something 20 plus years in the future. You don't know how life will turn out. I have a daughter and a son. Daughter is oldest. My son is the funniest little creature on earth, clever, loving and kind. Both my children are great. Just try to enjoy your baby boy and take each day as it comes. Don't mourn a fantasy future that's decades away.

Sorry, but this is equally weird! It's weird to focus on the sex of the child whatever the preference.

In my case, it's just true. I don't put it down to gender, they just have very different personalities.

If you bring up your sons (or daughters) to not interact with adults and wider family then they won’t do this when they grow up. So when grandparents are round and your boys are allowed to go off to their rooms but the girls have to host, chat, play then you are paving the way for how your boys will interact with you and wider family when they are older. Also if they don’t see your husband stepping up then they won’t. So get them to build a relationship with wider family on their terms - 1:1 time, lunches, socialising, call them, WhatsApp them and this will bear fruit going forwards

Just love your children and they will want a relationship with you as adults. Honestly it doesn't have to be that complicated.
One of each gender is the dream for most people.

I know. On the other hand, I do try really, really hard with her and to not show any favouritism. In some ways I over compensate. Sometimes (when they were younger really) DS would complain that DD always got her own way and the first choice of everything. Which was probably true to some extent as we were much more wary of rocking the boat with her. I've always felt like I was creeping round her to some extent, whereas DS could take most things and not wobble.

We're only human! We can't help finding some children easier to handle than others.

So you were hoping to have two girls and have the exact same relationship with each of them with no differences at all in personality or character?

There are lots (a ridiculous amount actually!) of babies, toddlers and young children on both sides of the family and I genuinely think little boys are so loving. You will hear this a lot but people say it for a reason. They are cuddly, they are warm, you won’t give birth to a grown man who walks away the moment he exits the womb! - like your DD, he will be an innocent little baby who wants and needs his mummy. Boys are full of energy but in a way only you will find super cute and highly it entertaining. Whenever I get dressed in the morning, my middle child always tells me how amazing I look (despite 90% of the time rocking the same old pairs of leggings on repeat, no makeup and a mum bun!). He is a sweetheart and so friendly. He adores me. My eldest is very protective over me already, he is incredibly caring. My husband has a bad knee at the moment and every 2 hours he goes and grabs the ice pack for his dad and reminds him to take his painkillers. He is much quieter than the middle one but incredibly bright and always telling me how much he loves me.

It’s a lot about how YOU raise them, too. My husband is incredibly close to his mum. He sees her weekly and speaks to her daily on the phone. He worships the ground she walks on but that isn’t because he is an overly loving person - he isn’t. He isn’t needy, he isn’t a man child. It’s just that his mum worked hard to build a solid and strong relationship with him throughout his life. She never let the ball drop, she’s always kept the right amount of distance depending on his age and where he’s at in his life and he respects that. Whereas my mum and brother have a rocky relationship but that is because my mum has been too overbearing with him and too needy. Regardless of the sex of your child, once they reach a certain age, it’s healthy to keep looking and adjusting how you parent and the dynamics of your relationship.

Hope this helps in some way but if I were you, I’d look forward to holding your little boy in your arms. He will look at you like no other man has! He will protect you forever.

I watched an old One Born Every Minute recently. The couple had 3 boys and 1 girl and were hoping the 5th baby would be a girl. They had kept it as a surprise until the baby arrived and when he(!) did the mum admitted to being disappointed. She also said that their little girl would be disappointed as she was hoping for a sister. The mum rang the daughter shortly after the birth and said "I'm so sorry, it's another boy"!!! Obviously the newborn was unaware and I hope he never gets to see that episode (although it seems likely he will at some stage - how many people can say their birth was televised!).

I truly felt sorry for him, that his entire family was disappointed by his arrival.

OP, I can't say I understand your being heartbroken at all but I do hope you feel better soon and can truly enjoy and appreciate having a son.

That is incredibly irresponsible behaviour from the parents. Not only will this little boy surely grow up to know that he was the 'wrong' gender, but his 3 older brothers will probably assume the same too. I wonder if the little girl is going to end up as a spoiled brat too, given that she is clearly the favourite.

I guess you can't help your feelings - although most parents would be thrilled with a healthy baby of either gender, especially when they already had 'one of each' - but to actually record your disappointment for posterity on national TV is a really shoddy thing to do. And it's not even as if the baby was only 'theoretical' at that stage. He was a tiny newborn his parents had already met and held in their arms. Poor little boy. One day he will find out that he was a disappointment to his family from the moment he was born.

@IcedPurple I know, it was really horrible. I am sure (well, I hope) the parents regretted voicing their feelings on television and hopefully none of their children will ever get to see it. The baby was born in a pool and they were frantically looking to see whether it was a boy or girl - the disappointment when it was 'just another boy' was palpable.

Not really. My preference was due to how my DC would likely fit in with our lifestyle.

There are no other girls in our extended family who are under 21. Our friends nearly all have boys and our social scene is very much geared towards male dominated activities.

It is entirely likely that a DD would have been way more isolated than a DS would ever be.

Of course other families will have very different set ups.

Same here! 😊

It doesn't make sense as you’ve said you find threads like this weird - and then gone on to reveal that you had a huge gender bias and would have been disappointed with a girl. So if anything you must relate to how the OP feels?

"All I ever wanted" and "I felt like I'd won the lottery": rather an odd and ott way to describe a belief that a male child would fit in with your "social scene" better (which clearly may or may not be true)

Gender bias due to circumstances not some weird unsubstantiated preference for one sex over another.

Sorry you sound the same as OP to me - both making assumptions that the opposite gender wouldn’t fit in with your current family dynamic / social circle/ future plans as well. Bias is bias.

So are you isolated from your extended family? Being a girl and all, presumably you can’t join in with the “male dominated” activities?

do you not see it? Why on earth wouldn’t a girl be able to join in? What makes these activities such a male domain? Unless it’s drawing pictures in wee in the snow there’s very little girls can’t join in with.

what if your boys hadn’t liked these “male dominated l activities? I have one child that shares a hobby with dh and I, the other hates it. Funnily enough we don’t isolate that child, we find things to do with them that we all enjoy.

you’re a pretty shit parent if you allow your child to be isolated from family because of shared hobbies.

I was really worried when I found out I was having a boy, my first. I was delighted too, as I was just so thrilled to know more about my baby I loved so much. But so much of what I had seen around me of boys was stereotypes, I worried I wouldn't know what to do with a boisterous football sports boy with a football kit on and short hair that runs around roaring and all that. It sounds silly but that's the kinda mental map I had of having a boy. I don't like or know anything about sports. I'm a very 'girly' type, love makeup and hair and dresses and perfume. I thought I won't be able to share this stuff with him!

Fast forward several years and I've realised you end up with the right child for you, if that makes sense. My DS is nothing like the stereotype I imagined. He's so sweet, and in touch with his emotions, loves makeup and choosing a perfume to spritz in his hair on the weekend, likes the odd princess dress, loves to read, loves music, isn't interested in sports. I'd love him any way he would turn out but it made me realise of course we wouldn't end up somehow with a kid that has totally opposite interests early on because they're a product of their environment.

I'm besotted, absolutely in love with everything about him, and can't wait to see who he turns into as he grows, and I know I'll love every bit of that too.

YOU ALREADY HAVE A DAUGHTER.

There are women who desperately wanted a daughter and got boy after boy after boy. Can’t you just be grateful you got what you wanted the first time?? FFS.

As older parents with virtually no extended family to rely on at all, no GP, no young cousins etc, I knew that we’d be reliant on friends far more than family. Of our close friendship group the last 7 births have all been boys.

While it makes little difference in early age it is easier as DS grows older for him to be involved in the same activities. Think rugby and cricket club type of scenario.

If all our friends had girls and had a social scene revolving around their activities then I may have had a different outlook.

There are women who desperately want a child and never have one, and don’t give a shit about the sex

Not isolated from extended family, they just don’t exist.

All 4 GP had died before DS was born. He has 2 cousins who are both adult women. He is nearly 20 years younger than the next youngest person in his extended family.

It appears clear you have jumped to a fairly offensive and incorrect assumption. Rather than being a “pretty shit parent” I have actually taken steps to ensure that DS has a great life and social scene.

Allow me to give you my perspective, as the 'disappointing daughter' who was never remotely close to my mother. I moved away (I even lived several thousand miles away for several years, visiting my parents once a year) and stayed away. Whilst living in London, I visited for 3 weekends a year.

My two brothers never moved further away than 3 miles (the younger one) and 400m (the older one). They visited several times a week until my parents died.

You cannot predict based on sex or your own anecdotal experience.

I think you need to take yourself away from this thread, for the sake of your little boy whose life you're blighting with every post before he's even born.