What would you do?

[djt87]

My just turned 4 year old has come home to say a boy who he went nursery with, now in his reception class, asked him to show him his private parts at school and gestured my DS to his mouth when pointing at his bits. I asked DS more about it but he went all shy he said he didn’t do it and told him no. I told him about our own private parts and that no one should touch them. I also found some advice on the NSPCC website showing a song about private parts. I asked DS where child learnt this from he said his older brother? But then again DS went vague and didn’t want talk about it or just went off to play. Obviously at 4 he doesn’t know the severity of it. He then started to say the child didn’t point to DS mouth he just pointed to each others bits. He’s also come home asking if certain swear words are naughty words and when asked who said he named this child. The whole situation makes me feel so uneasy, not to be judgemental but the mum doesn’t really seem invested in her kids so I’m wondering if there’s some neglect? I think there is a very different parenting approach to our house. I’m heartbroken and really upset that my DS has been exposed to talk about private parts or rude gestures that could result in him doing something awful and taken advantage of and my anxiety is making me worry what if he has done what the child asked him to but didn’t want to say! When I was younger a similar thing happened to me and it haunts me now, I don’t want that for my child. Should I mention this to the new reception teacher so they can keep an eye out or incase there is some abuse at the other child’s home? Or should I say that DS has come home and told me about child talking about private parts and swear words? Can’t believe I’m having this day 3 into school life. DS also said this happened on the play ground 6 weeks ago on inset day so I’m thinking how has this happened on a school ground for no one to see??

Please help i feel like I can’t settle and feel so upset at the thought of it all changing my little boy.

Absolutely tell the teacher.

They have procedures in place for this sort of thing and will know what to look out for, how to ask questions and who to contact.

It's absolutely awful when things like this happen, my dd was exposed to some sexual phrases from a classmate when she was about 5, I reported it to the school and the little girl was removed from her situation because she was being abused.

Tell teacher. They will have procedures to deal with this OP. Best wishes.

God yes! definitely tell the school without hesitation

I'd email the school now, detailing what you just said. And ask to speak to the teacher or head in the morning - this isn't the sort of thing that should be talked about at the gate or during busy handover.

I did keep thinking kids make stuff up sometimes but I honestly cannot fathom how my DS would come up with this he wouldn’t have seen this anywhere else and to be so specific. I think that was the only thing that worried me that if DS was saying a fib out of nowhere and it caused trouble for the little boy but surely at 4 it needs to be learned behaviour???

Sorry I might sound a bit silly, I have major anxiety and overthink all the things that shouldn’t even be thought of

You're not silly, you're shocked and unsure, that's what MN is for.

Whatever the scenario is the school will have experience in dealing with it so they are absolutely the people to talk to.

Please inform the teacher by email. They will decide whether it needs to be investigated further. My son was assaulted in reception by another little boy climbing under the toilet door and grabbing him. It turned out that this little boy was acting like this a lot, he also followed my son around whispering foul words and telling my son that he'd like to slit his throat. The teacher was able to put protective measures in place. Please don't allow your own anxiety to convince you that your son was making it up etc. You simply state what your son said and let them do the rest. It also doesn't require you to question your son or investigate yourself

That child will either have access to porn or will be being sexually abused and is acting it out.

Report immediately.

OP, I feel pretty sure that your DS wouldn't have any idea about pointing to his private parts and his mouth unless someone else showed him or told him something about it, therefore it's extremely unlikely that he would make it up, and it was probably only the reaction which showed on your face that made him change his story. You should DEFINITELY report this to the school.

Just had safeguarding refresh today and sexualised behaviour such as this could be an indication of abuse (or older brother has described or exposed him to sexual activity, also abuse, child on child) Please write a factual account to the safeguarding lead at the school.

Absolutely report it to the school!
Its a big safeguarding concern.

Thank you. I have a call with the teacher tomorrow at lunch.

thank you. Once it is reported what is the procedure? I’m worried my little boy won’t relay the same information he told me, when I’ve tried to ask him about it again or mentioned it he hasn’t engaged or changed the story a little

But to be honest I’m thinking he changed the story as I’m not going lie I didn’t do a great job of being calm I went into panic mode from past trauma and was so worried he had been forced to do something. I hugely regret this now and kick myself for not staying calm I just couldn’t believe he said it especially at 4! And this happened 6 weeks ago, he hasn’t mentioned it until Sunday

What did you mean by "gestured my DS to his mouth when pointing at his bits"?

Was the other boy trying to kiss him or trying to put his penis in his mouth? Or something else?

Other child pointed to his own private parts then pointed to DS mouth.

It doesn't matter - people who are trained will take it from here. This still needs reporting, regardless whether your DS will repeat it verbatim. Maybe it will not be quite as he says, maybe it won't be the absolute worst scenario, but something has happened here, what and by whom is unclear but this didn't come from nowhere.

The right thing to do is tell the school - do it tonight before you overthink your way out of it. A child is getting this information from somewhere, you can't ignore that.

You won't hear anything back, if action is taken or otherwise. This is typical of the safeguarding procedure, so zero comeback for you or your child.

Exactly this.
I'm a teacher with experience of this scenario.

I think the best thing to do tonight is write down exactly what he said to you, don’t edit anything or try explain anything, just write it down word for word as he said it.

I wouldn’t ask him any more info tonight but continue to do as you’re doing by looking up advice on NSPCC website.

I know it’s really hard but you need to remain calm when chatting to your son about it. If he sees you’re panicked or upset then he will start to worry he’s done something wrong. Just reassure and remind him that you’re happy he has told you and check in with how he’s feeling after it.

I’m happy you’ve got a phone call with the teacher tomorrow however I feel this is important enough for you to go straight to the head teacher/ head of safe guarding. If a parent explained this situation to me then we would need to investigate it quickly. My main worry is this child has learned these actions from somewhere and by contacting tonight/ first thing in the morning then it allows the correct members of staff to deal with it.

Does anyone know the procedure for something like this after the report? Do they speak to the other child first? Do they question DS about it? I feel so sorry for the other child. How do they actually find out if abuse is happening?

I think you're reading too much into it and sexualising something that could just be innocent curiosity. I went through similar with one of my DC and when I spoke to the teacher she just said that it happens a lot with that age group.

That said, some small children seem to be much more sexually aware (on their own level), I think it probably just filters down from other kids who are (possibly accidentally) exposed to things they shouldn't be seeing on the Internet. The kids don't fully understand it though so it comes out in ways that dont quite make sense.p

I think you're reading too much into it and sexualising something that could just be innocent curiosity. I went through similar with one of my DC and when I spoke to the teacher she just said that it happens a lot with that age group.

That said, some small children seem to be much more sexually aware (on their own level), I think it probably just filters down from other kids who are (possibly accidentally) exposed to things they shouldn't be seeing on the Internet. The kids don't fully understand it though so it comes out in ways that dont quite make sense.

I ended up moving my son to a different school because of this exact thing - literally these exact incidents. It gave me the creeps as well. I complained to the school, nothing was done, so I moved my son away from it. He’s never been happier.