Return to school stressful any advice welcome

Lucy2586 · 2025-09-03T17:08:16+00:00

I have posted before about my DD being on the spectrum but not diagnosed as of yet. Was dreading return to school, luckily her uniform fit having not trying it on and yesterday went in no problem. This morning though total nightmare. took me and her dad an hour to coax her into going she was so anxious. She went I had to race through a bus lane got there with 1 minute to spare. How do you keep convincing them? It’s only the second day. She was ok when she came out but anxiety through the roof for what tomorrow may bring.

Poppyseed14 · 03/09/2025 20:36

Is this the start of secondary school OP? My daughter was recently diagnosed with ASD and her struggles only started at secondary school. We had no clue beforehand. And sadly people who have never walked in your shoes judge you when you fail to get them into school. We don't try now for an hour as we know from experience that after about 10 minutes of encouragement nothing will improve. You need to remember it's "can't" not "won't". My daughter is on a reduced timetable which helps considerably. She changed schools as the previous school was awful. Her new school are much more geared up for SEN needs. If you're on Facebook there is a group called Not Fine in School which you might find useful. Sending a handhold as it's a rough road x

iirbRosb · 03/09/2025 20:45

This is an ongoing issue for us; a teacher who they feel safe with greeting them at the door really helps in my experience.

FuzzyWolf · 03/09/2025 20:56

I wish I had some advice but I do have lots of solidarity. As lonely as it feels, there are lots going through similar and understand.

From a practical point of view, what’s holding up the assessment? Do you know about Right to Choose to speed things up?

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 03/09/2025 21:53

Poppyseed14 · 03/09/2025 20:36

Is this the start of secondary school OP? My daughter was recently diagnosed with ASD and her struggles only started at secondary school. We had no clue beforehand. And sadly people who have never walked in your shoes judge you when you fail to get them into school. We don't try now for an hour as we know from experience that after about 10 minutes of encouragement nothing will improve. You need to remember it's "can't" not "won't". My daughter is on a reduced timetable which helps considerably. She changed schools as the previous school was awful. Her new school are much more geared up for SEN needs. If you're on Facebook there is a group called Not Fine in School which you might find useful. Sending a handhold as it's a rough road x

Yes just started high school I knew this would happen. I knew, everyone said im
drama queen and she will be fine. Theu do not realise how hard it actually is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 03/09/2025 21:54

FuzzyWolf · 03/09/2025 20:56

I wish I had some advice but I do have lots of solidarity. As lonely as it feels, there are lots going through similar and understand.

From a practical point of view, what’s holding up the assessment? Do you know about Right to Choose to speed things up?

I have contacted the doctor today to ask them to
try to speed things up as school refusal is happening on the second day. Obviously did not get very far. I hope that she can just settle soon.

OP posts:

dcadmamagain · 03/09/2025 21:59

How supportive are the school? Is there anyone who can talk to your daughter? Coujd attendance officer collect her each day ( my school does that !)

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 03/09/2025 22:01

dcadmamagain · 03/09/2025 21:59

How supportive are the school? Is there anyone who can talk to your daughter? Coujd attendance officer collect her each day ( my school does that !)

I do not
kmow yet as it’s a new school but I have requested a meeting at first available slot. I only realised SEN in the last part of primary as soon as her periods started.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 03/09/2025 22:03

Poppyseed14 · 03/09/2025 20:36

Is this the start of secondary school OP? My daughter was recently diagnosed with ASD and her struggles only started at secondary school. We had no clue beforehand. And sadly people who have never walked in your shoes judge you when you fail to get them into school. We don't try now for an hour as we know from experience that after about 10 minutes of encouragement nothing will improve. You need to remember it's "can't" not "won't". My daughter is on a reduced timetable which helps considerably. She changed schools as the previous school was awful. Her new school are much more geared up for SEN needs. If you're on Facebook there is a group called Not Fine in School which you might find useful. Sending a handhold as it's a rough road x

I am not on Facebook but I may set one up

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Poppyseed14 · 03/09/2025 22:40

Also OP don't use the word refusal when talking to the school. It's EBSA you need to say. Emotionally based school avoidance. It's a recognised term. Refusal implies she's just being awkward when she's really struggling.

pettingzoo · 03/09/2025 22:52

My DD is AuDHD, not diagnosed until half way through year 7. She coped ok in primary, loved the beginning of secondary but then the 'wheels fell off' in a big way in week 3. Nighly huge meltdowns at bedtime, arguments every morning. What helped, a bit, was taking the pressure off. I said, and meant it, that I wouldn't force her to go to school if she felt she couldn't. Also, removing as many demands as possible at home in the evenings and weekends (read up on 'low demand parenting') and doing lots of things for her I felt she 'should' be able to do herself (packing her bag, helping her get ready for bed, etc).

Join the 'autistic girls network' on facebook - there are so many people on there with girls in similar situations. 'Fine' in primary but then not in secondary, when the masking just gets too difficult.

Talkingfrog · 03/09/2025 23:23

Sorry, I can't offer any help, but interesting to read how many girls are fine in primary, but struggle when they get that little but older. Unfair that there often isn't the support that is needed and wait for a diagnosis is so long.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 03/09/2025 23:58

Poppyseed14 · 03/09/2025 22:40

Also OP don't use the word refusal when talking to the school. It's EBSA you need to say. Emotionally based school avoidance. It's a recognised term. Refusal implies she's just being awkward when she's really struggling.

Oh ok I didn’t even know what that meant.
thank
you

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Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 00:02

Talkingfrog · 03/09/2025 23:23

Sorry, I can't offer any help, but interesting to read how many girls are fine in primary, but struggle when they get that little but older. Unfair that there often isn't the support that is needed and wait for a diagnosis is so long.

I know she started as soon as her period started and I knew high school
was going to be huge. She wasn’t saying I am not going she was saying j can’t go you do not understand.

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TheLivelyViper · 04/09/2025 00:16

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 00:02

I know she started as soon as her period started and I knew high school
was going to be huge. She wasn’t saying I am not going she was saying j can’t go you do not understand.

Show quote history

Hi just read your thread. Does she have issues with her periods? Does her school have a good variety of products in the toliets, easily accessible? Does she like what she uses? Like if you give her tampons do you think she's prefer a period pant or something. Is it anxiety over asking teachers or having to say I'm on my period that she finds embarrassing? You could get her a toliet pass, have it communicated to all teachers and then she can easily go.

On the other issues as PP have said, email maybe a DDSL, a deputy safeguarding lead or at least he head of year and form tutor and mention the EBSA. Perhaps ask for involvement from pastoral, so for many kids having a room they can go to and sit in, often a sensory room can help. Maybe she gets in early and sits there and then goes to lesson. With EBAA getting them into school is half of the battle, so even if they aren't in lessons getting them more comfortable with school can help. Could she get a time out card for when she's overwhelmed? I'm sure school will have other strategies that can help, as schools are getting better trained on this.

Also as others have said, push GP for as much help as they can offer. Does the school have a counsellor or something? Is there any way you can afford something like DBT therapy, it's great for emotional regulation etc and if she has a safe space to talk it can help. You sound like a very understanding mum, which is the best thing for a child struggling to have.

Talkingfrog · 04/09/2025 01:01

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 00:02

I know she started as soon as her period started and I knew high school
was going to be huge. She wasn’t saying I am not going she was saying j can’t go you do not understand.

Show quote history

Bless her - it is so hard for them.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 11:48

TheLivelyViper · 04/09/2025 00:16

Hi just read your thread. Does she have issues with her periods? Does her school have a good variety of products in the toliets, easily accessible? Does she like what she uses? Like if you give her tampons do you think she's prefer a period pant or something. Is it anxiety over asking teachers or having to say I'm on my period that she finds embarrassing? You could get her a toliet pass, have it communicated to all teachers and then she can easily go.

On the other issues as PP have said, email maybe a DDSL, a deputy safeguarding lead or at least he head of year and form tutor and mention the EBSA. Perhaps ask for involvement from pastoral, so for many kids having a room they can go to and sit in, often a sensory room can help. Maybe she gets in early and sits there and then goes to lesson. With EBAA getting them into school is half of the battle, so even if they aren't in lessons getting them more comfortable with school can help. Could she get a time out card for when she's overwhelmed? I'm sure school will have other strategies that can help, as schools are getting better trained on this.

Also as others have said, push GP for as much help as they can offer. Does the school have a counsellor or something? Is there any way you can afford something like DBT therapy, it's great for emotional regulation etc and if she has a safe space to talk it can help. You sound like a very understanding mum, which is the best thing for a child struggling to have.

Show quote history

She has huge issues with her periods I think it’s a sensory thing so the doctor put her on a pill that stops them or reduces them massively bevause theu were so heavy.

I have applied for councillors though CAHMS I left my job to be with her all through the summer so cannot private at the minute but will do when she’s settled and I go back to work. I have asked for a
meeting with her head of year to discuss her challenges. Can’t think of anything else really to do. On the plus side she went no problem today she stayed at her dads house and maybe she wants to with him at the moment she did not want to go and stay for 8 months but I think that was period related.

OP posts:

Bollabol · 04/09/2025 12:15

Talkingfrog · 03/09/2025 23:23

Sorry, I can't offer any help, but interesting to read how many girls are fine in primary, but struggle when they get that little but older. Unfair that there often isn't the support that is needed and wait for a diagnosis is so long.

This was me when I was at school. I was okay at my little primary school but everything fell apart at secondary and survival was the most I could master. Doing well didn't come into it.

I was never diagnosed at school but hit perimenopause and now I am diagnosed ADHD.

So many girls go undiagnosed but I spotted it early on with my second born DD.

I opted to home educate all my DC because I didn't want them to go through the damaging exercise that was secondary school.

One is now out the other end having done her A levels and going travelling with friends and the second one, the one I strongly suspect has ADHD, did all her GCSEs from home and felt strong and confident enough to go to sixth form. She's doing well, enjoying it and I strongly believe that's because she wasn't burnt out from years of school and that it was entirely her choice to go to sixth form.

Good luck OP, I too would suggest joining FB purely for the groups. Some of which have been suggested by PP. I think you'll find a lot of support there.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 12:45

Bollabol · 04/09/2025 12:15

This was me when I was at school. I was okay at my little primary school but everything fell apart at secondary and survival was the most I could master. Doing well didn't come into it.

I was never diagnosed at school but hit perimenopause and now I am diagnosed ADHD.

So many girls go undiagnosed but I spotted it early on with my second born DD.

I opted to home educate all my DC because I didn't want them to go through the damaging exercise that was secondary school.

One is now out the other end having done her A levels and going travelling with friends and the second one, the one I strongly suspect has ADHD, did all her GCSEs from home and felt strong and confident enough to go to sixth form. She's doing well, enjoying it and I strongly believe that's because she wasn't burnt out from years of school and that it was entirely her choice to go to sixth form.

Good luck OP, I too would suggest joining FB purely for the groups. Some of which have been suggested by PP. I think you'll find a lot of support there.

Show quote history

She sailed through primary until year 5 when friendship structures started changing. She is very intelligent and does really well with her work but struggles socially. I hated high school too and didnt put much effort in either.

She isn’t a typical girl she hates the whole beauty regimes etc so tend to gravitate towards the boys as she can have more logically conversations.

She has always stomped but I did not know what it was just thought she had too much energy but she runs back and forth a lot still does it.

Hopefully she finds her tribe and it gets easier the melt downs are not as bad as last year i did not know what had happened.

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Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 12:46

Stimmed I mean not stomped

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RonObvious · 04/09/2025 12:53

My daughter hit the secondary school wall too - recently diagnosed with autism. We pushed her to go in, and it resulted in her developing some kind of chronic fatigure condition, probably due to autistic burnout. It's been over 18 months now, and she's only just at a point where we can think about trying lessons in school again. Obviously all children are different, and for some a bumpy start can result in them settling in later, but just make sure you focus on what is right for her and your family, rather than feeling pressured by outside expectations (speaking from bitter experience).

Also - it's not you, and it's not her. The way that the school system is currently structured means that it's just not accessible to all children.

LittlePickleHead · 04/09/2025 12:57

So sorry to hear this. I have a DS but otherwise a very similar situation, although we had issues at primary from about year 3 and coping strategies in place with the school. Despite flagging, suggesting ways to support transition to secondary etc the new school were rubbish and didn't put anything in place until too late and EBSA in full swing. He stopped going completely the November of year 7, and was in online school Jan-July. After tons of professional intervention (mostly paid for ourselves), an ASD diagnosis and an EHC assessment underway we are attempting reintegration for year 8 at a school with far better SEN provision, but even so we don't know how it will go and whether he needs an alternative provision.

Trying to explain to people why he's not been in school is awful, and there has been some judgement/comments parroted from his friends which definitely came from parents ("but what about your socialisation"). However I've learned to brush it off and focus on advocating for him. There is absolutely no way I will put him (or us!) through trying to force him into school every day for hours whilst his mental health nose dives.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 13:12

LittlePickleHead · 04/09/2025 12:57

So sorry to hear this. I have a DS but otherwise a very similar situation, although we had issues at primary from about year 3 and coping strategies in place with the school. Despite flagging, suggesting ways to support transition to secondary etc the new school were rubbish and didn't put anything in place until too late and EBSA in full swing. He stopped going completely the November of year 7, and was in online school Jan-July. After tons of professional intervention (mostly paid for ourselves), an ASD diagnosis and an EHC assessment underway we are attempting reintegration for year 8 at a school with far better SEN provision, but even so we don't know how it will go and whether he needs an alternative provision.

Trying to explain to people why he's not been in school is awful, and there has been some judgement/comments parroted from his friends which definitely came from parents ("but what about your socialisation"). However I've learned to brush it off and focus on advocating for him. There is absolutely no way I will put him (or us!) through trying to force him into school every day for hours whilst his mental health nose dives.

Edited

Honestly I could not give a rats arse about other peoples judgement anymore. I will do what is best for my child and her emotionally needs. If this school is rubbish I will move her.

Everyone thinks they know best but they do not. Also I think the pandemic also impacted a lot of kids and adults way more than people think. She was 6 then and guy walked past us in a huge gas mask it was ridiculous.

it is hard and of course you want the best education but I won’t sit back and watch her suffer it’s not lazy parenting it’s heartbreaking you feel helpless.

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TheLivelyViper · 04/09/2025 14:03

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 11:48

She has huge issues with her periods I think it’s a sensory thing so the doctor put her on a pill that stops them or reduces them massively bevause theu were so heavy.

I have applied for councillors though CAHMS I left my job to be with her all through the summer so cannot private at the minute but will do when she’s settled and I go back to work. I have asked for a
meeting with her head of year to discuss her challenges. Can’t think of anything else really to do. On the plus side she went no problem today she stayed at her dads house and maybe she wants to with him at the moment she did not want to go and stay for 8 months but I think that was period related.

Show quote history

I'm guessing she's on tranexamic acid? Does she feel better now or does she still have problems.

Hopefully CAHMS can be quickish and she can get some good counselling, maybe try and push for something like DBT over cbt. When is the meeting with HOY? I'd write a list of all the issues she's having in some detail and also what you think could help in school and the accommodations you want. Then you can discuss some of the accommodations and their ideas as well.

@Talkingfrog I actually a few weeks ago, saw some new research and essentially found that girls are excited for secondary unlike boys. But they have a massive dive in wellbeing from mid-laye Y7 and in KS3. It's partly because as some posters mentioned undiagnosed SEN, especially for BAME girls, they're less spotted as well as struggling.

Then they also start saying the misogyny from boys really skyrockets, and the feel shame, embarrassment, less smart and stupid, start saying that maths, science aren't girl subjects and the same for P.E. This behaviour happens during lessons and online and also more interrupting girls and talking more in lessons by filling up the space. It impacts their confidence and self-esteem and continues to reduce.

Then it's also periods and lack of education and openness on periods and menstrual health, they're told they are being over dramatic if they struggle with it during school. When we know periods bring headaches, diarrhoea or bowel issues, pain and cramps, tiredness and mood swings etc. They aren't supported through this and schools and teachers aren't empathetic about it and don't provide support. Those are the main issues specific to girls. The other things poverty, resource access, curriculum also has an impact but obviously not girl specific.

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 15:06

TheLivelyViper · 04/09/2025 14:03

I'm guessing she's on tranexamic acid? Does she feel better now or does she still have problems.

Hopefully CAHMS can be quickish and she can get some good counselling, maybe try and push for something like DBT over cbt. When is the meeting with HOY? I'd write a list of all the issues she's having in some detail and also what you think could help in school and the accommodations you want. Then you can discuss some of the accommodations and their ideas as well.

@Talkingfrog I actually a few weeks ago, saw some new research and essentially found that girls are excited for secondary unlike boys. But they have a massive dive in wellbeing from mid-laye Y7 and in KS3. It's partly because as some posters mentioned undiagnosed SEN, especially for BAME girls, they're less spotted as well as struggling.

Then they also start saying the misogyny from boys really skyrockets, and the feel shame, embarrassment, less smart and stupid, start saying that maths, science aren't girl subjects and the same for P.E. This behaviour happens during lessons and online and also more interrupting girls and talking more in lessons by filling up the space. It impacts their confidence and self-esteem and continues to reduce.

Then it's also periods and lack of education and openness on periods and menstrual health, they're told they are being over dramatic if they struggle with it during school. When we know periods bring headaches, diarrhoea or bowel issues, pain and cramps, tiredness and mood swings etc. They aren't supported through this and schools and teachers aren't empathetic about it and don't provide support. Those are the main issues specific to girls. The other things poverty, resource access, curriculum also has an impact but obviously not girl specific.

Show quote history

Yeah, I agree she has made some comments about girls that I had to tell her off for after all she is girl! But shes listening to the boys. In fact 2 boys on the beach made a misogynist comment to me and she told them off. I hadn’t even heard the word before. Misogynists have always been around but it seems rife atm

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucy2586 · 04/09/2025 15:08

TheLivelyViper · 04/09/2025 14:03

I'm guessing she's on tranexamic acid? Does she feel better now or does she still have problems.

Hopefully CAHMS can be quickish and she can get some good counselling, maybe try and push for something like DBT over cbt. When is the meeting with HOY? I'd write a list of all the issues she's having in some detail and also what you think could help in school and the accommodations you want. Then you can discuss some of the accommodations and their ideas as well.

@Talkingfrog I actually a few weeks ago, saw some new research and essentially found that girls are excited for secondary unlike boys. But they have a massive dive in wellbeing from mid-laye Y7 and in KS3. It's partly because as some posters mentioned undiagnosed SEN, especially for BAME girls, they're less spotted as well as struggling.

Then they also start saying the misogyny from boys really skyrockets, and the feel shame, embarrassment, less smart and stupid, start saying that maths, science aren't girl subjects and the same for P.E. This behaviour happens during lessons and online and also more interrupting girls and talking more in lessons by filling up the space. It impacts their confidence and self-esteem and continues to reduce.

Then it's also periods and lack of education and openness on periods and menstrual health, they're told they are being over dramatic if they struggle with it during school. When we know periods bring headaches, diarrhoea or bowel issues, pain and cramps, tiredness and mood swings etc. They aren't supported through this and schools and teachers aren't empathetic about it and don't provide support. Those are the main issues specific to girls. The other things poverty, resource access, curriculum also has an impact but obviously not girl specific.

Show quote history

She is on a progesterone pills. Her mood swings have stabilised. It’s a
minefield really.You can only do your best

OP posts: